Dear Doc:
I found out my husband has cheated on me. When i confronted him, he apologized profusely and swore off contact with the woman. I was going through our cell phone bill and discovered several voice conversations and text messaging conversations as recently as ten days ago. He obviously is lying to me about it being over, and I know that if I confront him with this new information I can expect similar behavior- tells me what I want to hear but doesn't change. I am four months pregnant. I know I deserve better than this but am afraid to leave. What's the best thing for me to do for my baby?

The best thing for you to do for your baby is to take good care of yourself, and raise your child in a healthy honest environment.

Bottom Line: As a result, you need to not tolerate poor treatment. Move out, set up some healthy boundaries, and let's see if he really wants to be with you. If he doesn't, than good riddance in deed!

 Dear Doc:
My mother is elderly and needs help every day, and my mother in law is in the same position. I do not have anyone else to look after them. Is it selfish to help my mother, and let the local suthorities help my mother in law?

You can't do it all. His family should be helping your mother-in-law.

Bottom Line: Take care of yourself by only taking care of your mom. If there is no family to help your mother-in-law, then the local authorities are a good alternative.

 Dear Doc:
My husband is bipolar is the middle child is 45 and works in the family business with his alcholic Father. He has tried everything to get away from this situation. His Father pays him poorly and makes him feel guilty every time he tries to do something else. He keeps going back and it greatly effects his mood swings. He sees a physciatrist and is medicated for the bipolar disorder, but when his Father attacks him about money and how he spends it it sends him into a tailspin. His two other siblings only deal with the Father is they have to and not too often. My husband feels responsible to keep the business going, entertain his Father for every holiday and make sure his Father has somewhere to go everyday because he is afraid he'll drink himself to death. My husband and I never argue about anything but his Father. I am having a hard time watching him go thru this. Are there any good books that tell him it is his Father and not him that is the probem? Is there anything I can encourage him to do? Is he too old for alanon?

There are plenty of good books on being the adult child of an alcoholic. Go to the library or bookstore, tell them that's what you're looking for, and you'll find a lot of helpful material. He won't solve the problem until he gets brave enough to decide to take the risk of changing.

Bottom Line: He's never too old for al-anon. But you can't make the horse drink the water, so separate yourself from his problem as best you can, and find your joy in other things.

 Dear Doc:
I'm 15 and still have a little penis. Is it because I masturbate too much?

No. Masturbation is a normal part of growing up, and it will not affect the size of your penis.

Bottom Line: Your body still has a lot of changing and growing to do, brought on by puberty. By the time your maturation is complete, your penis will no doubt be of a normal size.

 Dear Doc:
I had a disagreement with my fatherinlaw and I did not speak to him but one day I met him in the street and he tried to apologise but at that time I could not accept it. He has since died and I regret not saying sorry but I did hold his hand when he was dying. How can I get back to my old self?

Don't be so hard on yourself. He may have done some terrible things to you, and you weren't ready to let it go. There's nothing abnormal about that. We can't control the timing of life's events. Forgive yourself for not being perfect, put it to bed, and don't waste today's living worrying about what you cannot change.

Bottom Line: Now go out and make a positive difference in the lives of others, from what you have learned from this experience.

 Dear Doc:
I am 52, look 40, quit drinking and drugs 7 years ago. I have been in a 12 step recovery program that has given me a path to spiritual freedom. I look at myself and think i am aq success. I have my own home, money in the bank, look and feel 15 years younger than my age. People tell me I'm one of the most positive people they have mat, but deep inside me a lonely heart dwells. I was married for 13 years to an emotionally unavailable, alchoholic woman. It seems that ever since high school, I am attracted to narcissistic, emotionally unavailable women over and over again. The last one I met lasted about a month before she told me that she wasn't "in love" with me. She is retired and travels often. She said that she wasn't sure if she could ever give her heart to someone. but for weeks her signals were so mixed. Talk about abandonment, she's gone quite a bit traveling but I was ready to accept this because I thought she was a perfect fit in so many ways. Now I see I didn't even know her as a person and I told her that. I see now that this relationship probably would never work but it just brought to the surface those deep, dark lonely wounds. I know because my father was an abusive alchoholic I may be subconsiously attracted to this kind of person. Am I seeking "him" to "get it right finally, to connect with the un-connectable? I now see I give all of my power to these women (thinking that I will let her lead in the relationship) so that I don't appear to be "needy" but just the opposite occurs. I'm just so confused, hurt and lonely right now. I want to increase my spiritual awareness an get out of this "groundhog day" routine I seem to be going through, where each relationship ends up the same, just leaving me hurt promising I will respect myself more the next time. Please help. Regards.

The first goal is to not need another to fill that hole in your heart. It is true that you may still be looking for your dad's love, but no one can give you that, so you have to work on better loving yourself, so that if a relationship comes along it's a bonus, rather than something you are desparate for.

Bottom Line: Some long term therapy may required to achieve this important yet challenging goal.

 Dear Doc:
I am a 60 years old Italian-Canadian woman living in Ontario for the past 40 years. I have a mother living in Italy(76 years old and widow for the last 10 years). She had 2 hip replacements surgeries, the last 4 years ago. She is healthy, but she claims to have a lot of pain. She does not move without screaming and she goes around her apartment with a walker (only if she knows to be seen). She is very needy and expects everybody to do everything for her. My sister and nieces (living close to her) refuse to help her any further and do not even phone her. My mother has never had friends.The only contact she has are a cleaning lady and taxi driver to take her shopping and to medical appointments. Also, she does not want any friends. Since I can remember my mother has been a very difficult person. She wants everything her way. She has always been very abusive with my sister and I, and she is very abusive and agressive with anyone she comes in contact with. My sister and my nieces stopped calling on her about 8 years ago. My sister moved and never left a forwarding address or new phone number. I visit my mother once a year when I go to Italy for vacation, and I used to phone her every 2 or 3 days. Lately she was complaining so much about being alone and with so many things to do, that i felt the necessity to go for a few weeks to help her. Once in Italy I witnessed her "moods" and how she treats the cleaning lady. She is very agressive with the doctor that does home visiting for her every week. We needed to call a plumber to repare the kitchen fossett. During this event she became very violent, did not want to pay the plumber,and promised to use the gun if he came back. I paid the plumber and when he left I told my mother that she cannot keep on behaving this way. She caused other problems during the next few days (She took sleeping pills during the day, and then pretended to be sick. She refused to pay the cleaning lady. She accused my sister and her grandaugthers to rob her of her money. She had a violent argument at the bank, closed the account and now she keeps her money in the middle of old books. Plus she put up many other tantrums). One week after I arrived in Italy she locked the door of the apartment, took away the key, and came after me with her walking cane screaming and atempting to hit on the head. I was scared. I called the local emergency phone number, and when the fireman arrived, I was helped out of the appartment, spent 2 days with my brother in law, my husband managed to change my plane ticket and returned to Canada. Since then I phoned her doctor and her cleaning lady. I found out that she has pulled stunts like this many times before. (Four times at 4 different hospitals - Once with a real estate agent - Several times with the tenants she used to rent an apartment to - and many other occasions) She has been in Court for assault and fined 800 Euros for assaulting the real estate agent. She has been detained for causing a scene at one of the hospitals and she has been seen by psychiatrists. She was sent home every time, after giving her a cooling off time, and attributing the incidents to attacks of "pazzia" (uncontrolled madness). I do not know how to solve the problem. I am afraid she is going to cause some major disaster for herself, the family, or some stranger. Her doctor tells me that he cannot do much about it, and he will continue to go see her, but he made me understand that he is at a loss. Please, help me! Give me a suggestion. I love my mother (I do not know why) and all this is stressing me a lot. Any suggestion will be appreciated. Thank you.

She is no doubt mentally ill. She probably needs to be on meds, to stabilize her moods. It would be best if you could get her to a Doctor who can prescribe for her. However, given her combative style, it is unlikely that she will take the meds. The only other alternative is to force her into a psychiatric inpatient facility, but that is hard to do, and very expensive. Her Doctor who continues to see her is a saint. Maybe he can get her to take some psychiatric meds.

Bottom Line: You can't solve the problem. You must accept that. As you let go of your need to help, your stress should subside. You are not responsible for her crazy behavior.

 Dear Doc:
I am having some serious doubts about my daughter going to visit her father. We have been divorced for almost five years and my daughter is almost nine. He got re-married last summer and is now getting ready to have a baby with the new wife. He also acquired a step daughter that also will be nine. They are trying to buy a house for the growing family. Their agent said they had to take a minimalists approach to the condo. Most of my daughters things had to be put in storage including her bed. When she spends the night she ends up sleeping on the floor while the other gets to sleep in her bed. Also he doesn't have any clothes for her at his place and what she does get from holidays her step-sister wears instead. My daughter is starting to feel very left out of his family. I put my daughter first and make it a point to spend time with just her, her father used to but not any more.. She has asked him to spend time with just her but of course he doesn't. As she gets older I can see that her time will be limited in his life. What can I do if anything legally to help her. Especially when it comes to winter and sleeping on the floor. Thanks DW

You would have to contact the county and file a report, or get an attorney to represent her. This could get very ugly, if her dad fights you; or he could just back away from seeing her. Proceed with caution.

Bottom Line: If at all possible, speak with him and try to get him to work with you. Maybe he will join you for some therapy on her behalf.

 Dear Doc:
How do you start to trust your spouse after she has lied to you 2-3 times? I don't know how to believe she will not do it again. She swears up and down it won't happen again. We have two kids together too. Are there secrets on how to forget it and move on? A day does not go by without me thinking about it. I don't want to think about it but I can't stop myself. When I do think about it I am in a bad mood instantly. I am always wondering who she is talking to on the phone. I catch myself checking her cell phone, which I never did before.

You can choose to forgive, but you can't choose to forget. Your mind has stored this hurt, so you have to give it time to lessen. Try to let go of trying to stop the thoughts. Accept that they will be there for awhile, and you will be surprised at how they start to fade when you don't give them power over you.

Bottom Line: But also be smart. This may be a person you cannot trust, and possibly someone who you should get away from in the long run, if her behavior doesn't improve. Be open to letting go of her, because we can't control the other anyway.

 Dear Doc:
I have tried to get on with my inlaws but they cannot accept me. If I keep away for the sake of my marriage and allow my children to see them am I doing the christian thing?

That sounds like a reasonable solution to a difficult situation.

Bottom Line: Many families have this problem. You are taking the high road to a solution, which is much better than going to war with your inlaws and/or your husband.

 Dear Doc:
My sister in-law was placed in the phsyciatric ward of NCMC. In Nassau County N.Y. She has a 16year old son, who is in my care. I have guardianship papers through the school, but not filed with state. My sister in-law was there for several days because a friend brought her into the emergency room. She was feeling suicidal. She has been very depressed, she has been known to talk to good and evil spirits and also claimed to have moved to Texas because the devil told her to. She claims he also told her to kill herself. That is why I brought my nephew back from Texas in August. They were only there for a month. She came back to N.y. in September and has blamed this child for everything that has gone wrong with her life from the electric going out to not being able to be nun. My husband and I feel we should start legal proceedings to keep my nephew with us. He wants to stay with us also. She would leave him with us as long as she collects his social security check. He gets S.S. because his father, my husbands brother past away eight years ago. I was told by her social worker at the hospital that she is clinicly depressed maybe manic. They would not give me anymore information because she won't let them. She will not speak to anyone in the family. She has no relationship with her own family. she never has. I understand that her mother had the same type of illness. Do you feel under these circumstances that she can possibly care for her son, or is his best interests served by staying with my family? If she has manic depression what do you think the courts will do?

There is almost no chance that she can care for him. For his long-term benefit, begin the legal proceedings.

Bottom Line: If she is as bad as she sounds, the court will rule in your favor. Also, at his age, most judges will respect his wishes, because they believe he will be a flight risk otherwise.

 Dear Doc:
HOW TO GET A PERSON WITH OCD TO A LOCAL COFFEE SHOP

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can be a very serious medical problem, with physical and psychological roots, so getting the person to a coffee shop may be no small task to accomplish.

Bottom Line: If the person wants help, getting them to a therapist and an MD can be most helpful. If they don't want help, you won't do them any good, until they are in bad enough shape as to ask for help.

 Dear Doc:
Can a family therapist suspend interaction with dad's girlfriend and his kids through the manipulations of ex-wife even though the kids tell the therapist that they miss me and want me home? The therapist has made numerous attempts to talk to the ex-wife about this and she will not return her call.

Unless the therapist is appointed by a Court of Law, the therapist is powerless, other than through their powers of persuasion.

Bottom Line: You are in very tough territory. If the ex chooses to fight you, and uses an attorney, it may well be a long tough road. In fact, for some this road never ends.

 Dear Doc:
how do you know if someone is serious about being suicidal, and not just trying to get attention?

That can be a tough call, but you always have to error on the side of caution.

Bottom Line: So get the person away from the suicidal situation, and then try to understand what their needs are, so that they can be helped to find hope again. Chapter 18 of my book, which can be read on my website, discusses this subject, and may be worth a read.

 Dear Doc:
I wrote a few times to you in the past about leaving my husband. Well, I did it! What a huge difference this has made. Though it's scary to be alone at 32 and not knowing if i'll ever meet someone or have children, so what, i'm happy. Thank you!

Congratulations. Way to go!!

Bottom Line: Take my word for it, as you keep making healthy choices like this in your life, good will come your way, whether it's a marriage and children, or the joys of a healthy single life.

 Dear Doc:
i started a recovery program, a 12 step with sharing groups, i am an adult child of an alcoholic with fear and anxiety, self esteem issues, and unable to move in my life, suffer from procrastination and compulsive behavior. my sponsor noticed some habits with me and asked if ever thought i had add. i really am not hyperactive, but forget things, and cannot seem to move in my life, with applying for jobs, and have a lot of innatentive behavior. i have gone to see a psychiatrist two times and shared with her my family's alcoholic past and what i was struggling with, and the second time she suggested we try 10 mg of adderal. i've only been taking it once a day for 3 days, but how do i know that i really have add, should she be sending me to a therapist or for testing? i do not want to be taking anything i don't need. or do i just need to wait a couple of weeks till my next appt with her to talk some more on how they affect me and any changes in my behavior or concentration that i've noticed? I've never been to a psychiatrist before, so i don't know what they should be asking and if getting meds seemingly right away is good or not. help?

In general, Psychiatrists are not known for their "talk therapy" skills. They specialize in giving you the right Meds, often after you have been referred by a non-MD therapist. It is more typical to go to a non-MD therapist first (like a Psychologist, Social Worker, or Marriage and Family Therapist). If you can't talk your problem out with them, they will refer you to a Psychiatrist to see if Meds will help your situation.

Bottom Line: Most good Psychiatrists recommend that you see a "talk therapist," in addition to seeing them for medication management. Unless your Pschiatrist is one of the few that is highly interested in talking through all the details of your struggle, you may want to see an additional professional, who doesn't suggest Meds as a first course of action. And yes, there is some testing that can be done to determine if you have ADD.

 Dear Doc:
My daughter 18 has been training to BMX race with the Canadian team and has been working very hard. She was feeling very confident about herself until recently when she went to a camp and the coach told her that her technical skills were poor, her endurance was poor and made her feel that she is fat. She has very many important races coming up within the next few months and I am afraid that her self esteem has been bruised. My question is how do I help her to gain her self esteem back so she can travel to these races with confidence?

Well if the coach was wrong, then tell her that the coach was full of crap. If the coach was correct in some areas, help her to use that info to improve her skills. Encourage her to get mad, and find that place inside herself where she refuses to quit. Tell her that many great people were told that they were inadequate, only to go on to become the greatest in their area of interest.

Bottom Line: If all else fails, take her to a Sports Psychologist, who can help her with her focus and motivation.

 Dear Doc:
HELP, DAUGHTER 22, LIVES @ HOME. VERY NAIVE. IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MALE 24. BOYFRIEND IS VERBAL ABUSIVE AND SOME PHYSICIAL. WHEN CONFRONTED SHE TAKES UP FOR HIM. HE LIVES @ HOME, COLLEGE GRAD,GOOD JOB, GOOD FAMILY, HAS A BAD TEMPER. SHE HAS HAD SEVERAL JOBS, LOST LAST JOB R/T GOSSIP. SPENT ALL HER MONEY, BUYING FOR BOYFRIEND AND BUYING JUNK. I WANTED HER TO GO TO DENTAL ASSISTANT CLASS, HER SISTER WENT INSTEAD.WORKS FOR DENTIST. I FINALLY CONVINCED HER TO GO. THIS IS A SHORT CLASS, 3 MONTHS, PAYS DECENT MONEY.SHE WAS VOLUNTEERING @DENTAL OFFICE, I TOLD HER SHE ALSO NEEDED TO BE WORKING. SHE NEEDED TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE. HER SISTER MOVED OUT, AND I TOLD HER SHE SHOULD THINK ABOUT MOVING OUT ALSO. I LOVE MY GIRLS, I JUST WANT THEM TO BE FINANCIALLY ABLE TO SUPPORT THEMSELVES AND NOT DEPEND ON A MAN OR ANYONE. MY THINKING WAS, IF SHE MOVES OUT SHE WILL WORK HARDER TO SUCCEED, AND NOT DEPEND ON HER PARENTS SO MUCH. WE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HELP BOTH OF THE GIRLS. SHE HAS TO BE PUSHED A LITTLE HARDER THAN HER SISTER. SHE WAS NOT INTERESTED IN BUYING A CAR. WHY SHOULD SHE, HER FATHER ALWAYS GAVE HER HIS JEEP. I TELL HIM THIS IS DOING MORE HARM, HE IS NOT HELPING BY GIVING IN. AFTER GETTING VERY UPSET WITH HER SHE PUT IN APPLICATIONS. SHE TOLD US SHE HAD JOB INTERVIEW WITH DENTAL OFFICE. THEN SHE TOLD US SHE GOT THE JOB, WE WERE SO PROUD OF HER. SHE TOLD US SHE WAS MAKING 9.25 HR, MORE THAN HER SISTER STARTED OUT MAKING. SHE WOULD GET UP Q MORNING AND GET DRESSED, AS IF SHE WAS GOING TO WORK. LASTED 1 WK. THEN SHE SAID, SHE HAD GOTTEN SICK @ WORK, WAS TOLD TO TAKE REST OF WK OFF. THE NEXT WK I NOTICED THAT SHE WAS NOT AS EAGER TO GET DRESSED. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT SHE NEVER GOT THE JOB, AND STILL VOLUNTEERS @ THE FIRST OFFICE. SHE HAS LIED. HER FATHER WAS GOING TO GIVE HER THE JEEP, LET HER MAKE MONTHY PAYMENTS TO HIM. HE WAS GOING TO PUT THE MONEY IN SAVINGS FOR HER, WITHOUT TELLING HER. THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME SHE HAS LIED. BECAUSE SHE IS SUCH A GOOD KID, COMES HOME @ 12 ON WK ENDS. FOLLOWS HOUSE RULES. WE HAVE OVERLOOKED THE OTHER LIES. SOME CONFLICT BETWEEN SISTERS. 20 YR OLD VERY AMBITIOUS. SAVES SOME MONEY, BOUGHT JEEP ON HER OWN. THIS SISTER DOES CRITICIZE HER FOR NOT WORKING AND NOT BUYING CAR.WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Get out of her way, and let her suffer the consequences of her actions. She obviously lied about the job to get you off her back (which just goes to show that you can't make the horse drink the water!). When she gets thirsty enough, she'll do what it takes to survive.

Bottom Line: Probably time to kick her out of the nest, and pray that she will fly. Your love have not been tough enough yet.

 Dear Doc:
Why won't my husband won't admit that he gets turned on when he sees beautiful or sexy women?

Probably because he believes he will get a very negative reaction from you.

Bottom Line: It is not unusual to be impressed when in the presence of beautiful people. Both men and women have these responses. However, jealousies that grow out of insecurities usually stop people from saying what they really think.

 Dear Doc:
How do I talk to my doctor about all the problems I am having and why I think I need to be started back on meds? Because I know I am having to deal with anxiety disorders again, and I am staying depressed and very angry. I always hurt and have BAD headaches. What do I do?

The good news is that your future is in your hands. Speak up to your Doctor, or whomever else can help, and you will make progress.

Bottom Line: The bad news is that your future is in your hands. Be passive and unwilling to speak, and your present struggles will continue into the future. So the question is... what will you choose?

 Dear Doc:
i have a wife that has now left me and has another relationship. she has a split personality, and it makes me so angry that no matter how often i try to communicate with her about important issues, she always seems to want to escape reality. Is there a cure? how does one get close to this person, and how do you ask them to be honest to you all the time?

If she will get to a Doctor, she can receive some help. Unfortunately, these people often won't keep taking the Meds that stabilize them, so they just cycle back to their crazy behavior. If she stays on her Meds and keeps seeing her therapist, you can get close to her. Otherwise, forget it, and move on. Without ongoing professional care they can't even be honest with themselves, let alone you.

Bottom Line: You are in a high risk relationship, so it could be healthier to let it die and move on.

 Dear Doc:
Have a 15yr old who has been in residential treatment for ptsd w/psychotic features for last 2 years - was removed from home due to sexually abusing younger brother, 7 yrs his junior. He was visiting grandparents and touched grandmother inappropriately. She pressed charges, he was interviewed while at the facilty by the officer with his GAL, therapist, CASA worker and social worker in the room. He claimed that he was just trying to give her a hug and had no other intentions and that his grandmother misunderstood his intentions. DA chose not to press charges for unlawful sexual contact based on the fact his intentions were not clear and could not be proved. All people in room believed him, but a month after the therapist wrote in a monthly report that he believed that he was actually lying. Then 5 months later the 15 year old finally admitted that he lied and wrote apology letters to the containment staff and one to his grandmother (which was never sent to her). The reports we recieve are 2 months behind the current date and according to the report, it states he admits he lied about wanting to give a hug but that he still had not admitted the intention. It is unclear if he has since admitted his intention. The question is - can this admission of having lied to the officer about the incident be used to possibly prosecute him. Can any other crimes he may have admitted to, especially the crime of sexually assaulting his brother be used to press charges as well? His brother is now in a place to recount in detail and when first questioned the 15 year old completely denied every sexually assaulting him. Can his accounts in his sessions be used to press charges with the testimony of his brother? Thank you.

No attorneys here, so we can't help you.

Bottom Line: Even if it's a public defender, it sounds like you need to consult with an attorney asap.

 Dear Doc:
I have been in a relationship for 5 years. Engaged for almost 2yrs. Fiance lives with mother. This man is 55 yrs old. Now he tells me it's a package deal. What should I do? Thanks.

Get the hell out of Dodge!

Bottom Line: He may be ok to date, but no healthy new wife would want to walk into THAT hornet's nest!

 Dear Doc:
I have a very difficult, ADHD,ODD, angry, depressed daughter who lives with me most of the time. Her father has basically been unavailable for about five years, mostly consumed with himself and his 24 year old girlfreind. he just informed my daughter that his girlfreind will be moving in. Madysen awoke the next morning to find them waking up together in his bed. She was upset and confused by this. She first confronted him but as usual he dismissed her and mentioned something about his life and choices having nothing to do with her. I asked him if this really happened; he said yes, this is what he wants... I asked if this decision was in the best interest of our daughter (of course i think not); he said she'll be fine. I want to have documented proof, somehow how unhealthy, how selfish, poor judgement, poor role model...

Take your daughter to a therapist and get some documentation of your daughter's feelings about what is going on at her dad's house.

Bottom Line: If the therapist substantiates that dad's behavior is harming her, get an attorney and take him to a family court. If your daughter is younger than her teens, the judge may take greater action to protect her. If she is older, the court may listen more closely as to which home she wants to spend most of her time.

 Dear Doc:
I was spanked as a child, but never liked the idea of spanking my children. Why do you think that is?

Probably because it wasn't a positive experience for you.

Bottom Line: The most current research discourages spanking, and encourages using time-outs as a method of discipline instead.

 Dear Doc:
Should a battered wife divorce their partner?

Absolutely!

Bottom Line: Unless you can get away and be safe, while your partner agrees to change by getting professional help, and continues in treatment for as long as it takes to get better (usually years). The partner rarely will agree to this, so a divoce is usually a much more sensible option.

 Dear Doc:
I am married for ten yrs. I have a husband that has a drinking problem. health wise he had seizures from drinking. the seizures can occur the next day, however they are infrquent they exist. I am tired of counseling,exhausted on trusting,and weary about continuing this marriage. I cannot go anywhere with him and not have a concern with etoh. I have to monitor my chidlren with him and i feel they are suffering as well. He can be violent probably due to frustration with the problem at hand. He knows all about AA but admits he cannot go there. He still wants to drink. I want out but I am tired and all that goes with it. Having knowledge in detox as a nurse who has worked there I know my battle is futile. I want all to go smoothly in the separation that is where i am stuck! help

So leave already!

Bottom Line: Smooth? Of course it won't be smooth, but your life will continue to be insane until you bite the bullet and get the hell out of Dodge! With the time, smoothness will come.

 Dear Doc:
Hi, I am 16 years old and my boyfriend is 19. We are having a problem with the holidays. He wants to spend it with his family, but he is in college and I hardly ever get to see him and I want him to spend it with me, because i have put so much into the relationship. Should he spend the holidays with me? Please answer, we have been fighting a while about this.

Be it now, or down the road, you will eventually lose out if you try to come between he and his family. Encourage him to go to his family, and suggest that you go with him! Don't waste your time arguing against something that hasn't changed since the beginning of time. Have you ever heard of the old saying, that "blood is thicker than water?" Well it's still true, and his connection with his family is thicker than your feelings for each other. Either get use to it, or break up with him (but you'll just experience the same thing with the next guy!)

Bottom Line: Turn his family into your cheerleaders by showing them how much you support him spending time with them. Once they tell him how wonderful you are, he'll just want to spend more time with you! So if you want him to come your way, let him go. May seem hard, but it's the only real chance you have, because if you try to control someone, they will eventually rebel (either outwardly or inwardly).

 Dear Doc:
Two of my brothers are gay, and I think I am bi-sexual. I have reddness on the end of my penis, and do not want my wife to know. What can it be if I am having sex with a man?

Go to the Doctor right away. The Doctor's job is to protect your privacy, so no one should know about your time with the Doctor.

Bottom Line: Only with a personal and professional exam will you know the answer.

 Dear Doc:
Are there counselor's that speacilize in pornography? I mean, helping couples who have an issue with it. I am the one who wrote earlier about the boyfriend who watches porn behind my back. I think he is addicted to it. Thanks

AA runs groups called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Many people have been helped by this specialized 12-Step program.

Bottom Line: There are also Sex Therapists who specialize in helping couples with this type of problem.

 Dear Doc:
getting back to my lazy selfish stepson, (thanks for the response by the way) I really think he has some kind of personality disorder. For example, if you don't want him to have something (no respect for other people's stuff) you'd better lock it up because no means nothing to him. If you tell him to do or not do something, he'll do just the opposite, even if it means "shooting himself in the foot." If he gets reprimanded for doing something wrong watch out! because now he'll just do it again twice as bad as before. My husband does know what's going on but has no clue how to deal with it. He flips flops back and forth between agreeing with me (only when he's mad at him) to defending him. Do you think there's any way to get my husband to get the kid to a doctor? the kid's mother refuses to get involved. I think she get's a kick out of all the trouble my husband's going through and blames him for it. any suggestions??

He definitely needs professional help. But if he's 18 or older, you can't require him to go.

Bottom Line: Unfortunately, your husband is a fool if he doesn't take him to a therapist, because this type of problem can be improved with a Doctor's assistance.

 Dear Doc:
my husband is having a relationship. i found it out and said i'll leave him. he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but he can't do sex with me because i'm too fat for him. what shall i do, how can i change things??

Maybe you should leave.

Bottom Line: Do you think you're too heavy? If so, work to change that for your own well-being.

 Dear Doc:
I'm a 40 year old native american with major anxiety's and depression. In the last year things have gotten worse to the point where my thought's are scaring the heck out of me. I've been this way most of my life and its really starting to get to be too much. I find myself having mental melt downs to the point i sit and cry all the time. I have a hard time going into public without have an attack, I can't sleep most of the time, and have lost a ton of weight. I've totally stopped doing everything i use to do. it's like life has come to a complete halt. I walk around confused or spaced right out. I just got married three months ago and my relationship is failing. My whole family are feeling the affects from this. I need to know where to go to get the help I need before I do something stupid. I do not want to go on another 40 years this way. I feel like I'm dying inside.

Get some professional help asap.

Bottom Line: Ask your Doctor, or go to a clinic in your community.

 Dear Doc:
my sister took her life in 1992 at the age of 48. i now think she was bipolar. always ruining on a high. never took drugs. married and had two teenagers. but approx. twice a year for many years she would turn into someone else staying up for sometimes 36 hrs. she rarely drank but sometimes she would have 1 or 2 beers she would become depressed call different family members in the middle of night her emotions would go from blaming you for her depression to hating you. as years went by her 36-48 hr bouts of depression got worse talking about killing herself. she was committed by police twice and was out by the next day. she was in her other high state and knew exactly what to say to the doctors and they would let her go. do you think it was bipolar. my sister was 16 yrs older than me. I loved her however I experience first hand my sister turn into someone else right in front of me. almost like the devil.after 36-48 hrs she would sleep at least 24 hrs wake up like nothing ever happen.

Sure sounds like it.

Bottom Line: Unfortunately, some people don't get better, even though there are treatments that could help them.

 Dear Doc:
My boyfriend of three years lies to me all the time about viewing pornography behind my back. I didn't have a problem with porn until in the beginning of our relationship, he quit touching me for about a month. One day,during this period, I walked in on him with his pants down watching porn. Needless to say, I have become very against porn, in every way. I told him that I can't be with someone who watches it behind my back, so he said he would quit, this was back in 2004. We are still dealing with it. He lies to me about it still(but we do have an active sex life) He asked me to marry him, but I am really hurt, by these lies. I want the man out there that doesn't like porn, but I think I'm fooling myself, I think all men watch it behind there womans back. So I don't know what to do. I am very depressed. I care about him alot. He is really smart and sweet, but this one thing makes me look at him a whole different way. Last week he told me that he doesn't want to do it anymore, he wants to be the man that I want. But I dont' think he can quit. I feel like if I leave him, I will regret it for the rest of my life, but I can't deal with this depression anymore. And this is the only reason that I am depressed. I don't know how to deal with this problem, could you please help me out. Once we went to a counselor, and he was male, it seemed like the counselor was on his side. Maybe we need to see a counselor who specializes in couples with this specific problem if one exists? I would really appreciate advice. Thanks.

He probably won't change. You should probably move on.

Bottom Line: Not all guys are like this. What you want is honesty, and what you have is a liar. You deserve better, don't you think??

 Dear Doc:
I am writing to you about an insecurity/jealousy problem i have. I am driving my partner and myself mad with my behaviour.I constantly accuse him of looking at other women in real life and the tv, watching unsuitable programmes on the tv involving nudity, worried he will find my friends more attractive than me. I constantly seek reassurance and repeatedly ask the same questions, etc. i do not wish to be like this; i cannot go anywhere in public with him for fear of who might be there and what they look like and will he prefer them. i know it can't go on as i am going to ruin everything. he is the first person who has never made me feel insecure ever. but he has a bad temper and i am bringing out the worst in him. he then retaliates by saying v hurtful things he knows i am insecure about. i feel embarassed to write to you with such a stupid issue, but somehow it has taken over my life. i hope you can help me change.

Don't be embarrassed. Yours is a typical problem. You need to see a therapist asap. It is a big problem indeed, in that it has grown to be quite severe. I don't know if it grows out of others hurting you in the past, but it is guaranteed to hurt your future if you don't repair it. The good news is that it can be fixed!

Bottom Line: Don't worry about him. Humans will always look at others. If you learn to believe in and love yourself, then if he goes away you know you are going to be just fine, because you are a person of great value!

 Dear Doc:
My 19 year old stepson is a lazy, selfish, slob who constantly lies and manipulates everyone around him. he refuses to get a full time job (dropped out of high school) and doesn't do anything but watch sports and play video games. He refuses to cooperate with house rules and does everything in his power to annoy me on purpose and has admitted it. He fools his friends and girlfriend and they have no idea what he's really all about. the biggest problem is my husband, his father. it's his only child and I can understand that, but he is an enabler. What do I do? This kid has lived with us for six years now and is just getting worse by the day. I can't stand him!!!

You have got a very large problem! I am assuming your husband knows how you feel, and that he chooses to do nothing about it. It is an even bigger problem if he disagrees with you, and thinks his son is no problem at all.

Bottom Line: If that's the case, you may have to tell him you will be moving out if he does not take some action that is supportive of you.

 Dear Doc:
My 4 year old boy just does not listen to a word I say. I have to repeat my self 3 to 5 times to get him to do something. When I show him how to do something the right way he just does not get it . I'm starting to think something is wrong. He is in soccer now. He is the only one who just runs off and does what he wants. After I tell him to stay with the team he pays no attention to them. He gets left out a lot. I get so stressed out about it. And I do get so mad. I don't know what to do anymore. Is he just being a 4 year old boy or is there something wrong? Please help me.

This goes beyond typical behavior.

Bottom Line: Talk to his pediatrician and/or a therapist. With professional help this situation can be improved.

 Dear Doc:
I got your answer. I'm the one who is dreaming about this guy. My husband and I did go see a therapist. Things changed for about a week but went back to the same old ways. That was about 6 months ago. I guess i'm going to talk to him and see if we can go again ,but what if things don't change and i can't feel like i use to. Then what--- do I stay or not? How can I stop thinking about the other guy? Should I tell my husband i'm think about someone else or just forget about and let it on.

With your husband's lack of interest, you will probably never get the good feelings back. You may need to contact your old flame, to see if he has any interest. If he says "no", you've got your answer to stay. You probably won't stop thinking about him until you meet with him. Consider telling your husband that if things don't improve, you are thinking about leaving.

Bottom Line: Don't bring up the other guy unless you discover there is something to it. Would be foolish to bring up a fantasy. That would be all pain, no gain.

 Dear Doc:
I'm leaving my husband who my therapist tells me is a narcissist. I miss what I fell in love with, but not the actual person that I see he really is now. How can I prevent myself from falling into the same trap again? I feel like such a fool and I really miss the guy who I thought I married even though I know he doesn't exist.

Stay in therapy, and come to understand why you are attracted to the narcissistic personality.

Bottom Line: You made a mistake. We all do. Let it go. There are much better guys out there. As you get healthier, you will be drawn to healthier guys (and driven away from the sick ones!)

 Dear Doc:
I AM 37 AND I AM DATING A GUY THAT IS 30 AND HAS CUSTODY OF HIS 5 Y/O DAUGHTER THAT IS VERY SMART BUT VERY JEALOUS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. THIS IS HIS FIRST RELATIONSHIP AFTER HIS DIVORCE 3 YEARS AGO. HE HAS TALKED TO HIS DAUGHTER ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP AND THINGS ARE A LITTLE BETTER. ANY ADVICE?

First of all, don't write in CAPS; it's considered shouting, and turns most internet users off. The daughter's response is not surprising.

Bottom Line: If the two of you take it slow and easy with her, it can work out just fine. Give her time to adjust to her dad's new world.

 Dear Doc:
I really need your help . I'm married and have two kids I have a good life but I'm really not happy inside. my relationship with my husband isn't the best one but i love him and he takes really good care of me and our two kids.I'm in love with someone else. the hard part about it is i haven't seen or talked to this person in about 5 or 6 years. I dream about him almost every night . When i had my litte girl I dreamt that it was his baby, not my husbands. the day before my wedding i dreamt that i was marrying him. I don't understand why i keep dreaming about him. this guy was my first true love. I was 11 years old the day we met. then we dated for 6 years off and on . Then i moved away, but we still talked, and every time we did he always told me he still loved me and always would. I want to see him so bad. I see his family members sometimes. He's having a baby with this girl we went to school with. For that reason i just stay away, because he has a family, but i really don't know if he and this girl are together anymore. I don't know what to do. I do love my husband but i don't think i'm in love with him. so much stuff has happened to us in the past 4 years, that it's hard to go back to the way we use to be. or is there something i can do to help my relationship with my husband and stop thinking about this other guy? please help asap. jen

Sounds like you're in love with a fantasy. You could go see him, but is it worth possibly losing everything you have now?

Bottom Line: If you're serious about your marriage, tell your husband that you've lost the spark, and that you'd like to get it back. Then go to a therapist with him. If he won't go (which would be a bad sign for the survival of your marriage), go by yourself.

 Dear Doc:
My son is 21 he is now living with his Grandparents in another state. We have been told he is slow, has ADD a various number of things. He is bright and has this amazing memory, he knows things that when he talks about it he sounds like an expert. He has graduated from high school. He is also very emotional. He was working with children and when he found out he would not be working with the same children the next year he was so upset. He wrote letters to the school, to the parents and the children, he called their houses etc. He has since come to terms with this. He was upseyt over he and his cousin who is the same age drifting apart. He called his cousin at least 10 times a day - he would first be calm and by the fifth or sixth call he would be screaming and cursing at him to call him back. He recently has been fixated on finding his step cousin who he hasn't seen in about 18 years. We do not know where she is but calls me all the time screaming and cursing at me to find her. He claims as he always does that this is all he wants in the world. He does not listen to reason. He would not be able to live by himself at this point as he can not handle adult responsibilities, bill paying, laundry, cooking etc. I myself have been diagnosed with bipolar many years ago and since that have been fine. This however does not have the earmarks of bipolar as I know it and am hoping to get some direction as to what this could possibly be. I am searching for a mental heath specialist in his area now but was hoping for any information. Thank you, Linda

Hopefully you can find him a therapist asap. No doubt he needs to be on some meds, possibly change his diet, etc. It sounds like a biological problem. The difficulty may be that he will not be willing or able to make the necessary changes.

Bottom Line: He has probably inherited some of your psychological makeup. However, that is not your fault, and he can't hide behind that. If he is willing to go get it, there is definitely help out there for him.

 Dear Doc:
this boy and i have been close friends for a while now. during this time we both have fallen in love with each other. recently he messed with this girl, and supposedly she's pregnant now. i told him that we would go through this together, but the truth is i'm falling apart. everytime i hear somebody talk about it or if i think about it i become so weak. i love this boy so much., and although he has put me through hell and back, i'm still here. am i crazy for staying?

Yes you are.

Bottom Line: Your reactions are normal. You deserve better than this. Move on to someone whose love ACTIONS match their love WORDS!

 Dear Doc:
I have a four year old daughter, 7 & 9 year old sons whose father left three years ago. The boys love visiting their father every other Saturday night,but their sister has decided she doesn't want to go stay at his house. She has verbalized this clearly. Do I make her go on overnights or just let her visit with him on her terms? I do not believe that anything negative has happened. I think she does not feel connected or secure when with him.

Take her statements seriously, and try to understand why she doesn't want to go. Discuss it with her dad, and see if he thinks it's ok if she doesn't stay over night.

Bottom Line: Maybe she can just go over until her bedtime. It's unhealthy to let her have the complete power to decide, but maybe a healthy compromise can be reached, until she feels better about going overnight again.

 Dear Doc:
Is there such a thing as a man who has a psychological reason for cheating? I found myself with someone who, after I got pregnant, I found out he may have been seeing other women. He promised he was not guilty and that he would prove it. I just found out, he has been continuing to see these women - telling all of us he wants to marry us and have families with us. Last week he told me he loves me and will never hurt me, but the next day I learned he went away with another woman. I'm hurt and don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, but I don't he's right in his head. Might he have a pyschological problem?

YOU will be the one with the psychological problem if you stay with this loser!!

Bottom Line: Don't make excuses for him. He is a user and a liar. Stop being hurt. Get mad... and then leave!

 Dear Doc:
I really need your advice because the situation my parents and I are dealing with is coming to the point where I feel like it is a crisis situation. My father is 68 years old and my mother is 65. My mother has Alzheimer's disease. I am 42 and I have a brother who is 35 years old who has lived with our parents his whole life. He has never paid rent,he is very selfish,he talks to himself a lot, and even though we have all told him he is sick and needs to get some kind of help,he just says it's no big deal he is just thinking out loud. About 3 years ago I moved back home to take care of my mother and in that time I have gotten to know what kind of person my brother is. He is lazy,works once in a while. Buys food with his money that he feels no obligation to share with anyone else,but eats up most of the food mom and dad buy as well and feels no shame about it. Over the last two and a half years he has repeatedly cursed at me,bullied and intimidated me whenever I tell him he is wrong about something,like treating our mother or father disrespectfully,or being lazy and not wanting to share the responsibility for caring for our elderly parents or housework,and much of the time if I have a private conversation with my mother or father he will listen outside the door to the bedroom,and when I go downstairs to the living room he will begin to demand to know what I was saying about him,start cursing me and calling me names and bullying Me. He bullies my mother,walks all over all of us in the home,and I have told my father that it is way past time to cut the apron strings. I feel that my brother is sick,and even evil,and becoming dangerous. I have told my father recently that the time has come for either my brother to go,or I will leave,but I know I can not leave either one of my parents in a position where they are alone with him. I do not trust him after seeing how callous, selfish, ungrateful and arrogant he is. I believe that if I leave my parents alone with him, he will become much worse then he already is with no one in the home to let him know he is being watched. I need help and I would really appreciate any advice you can give. I wish I could help my brother but he does not want our help,he wants to use and abuse the family,and continue to take us for granted. To be honest I want him out of our living environment. He is creepy and my parents are worn out.I realize that my father is the bigger problem,because he has allowed his son to get away with too much for too long being the youngest out of the three of us children. I have one older brother,and I am the only daughter,a middle child. I have talked to our oldest brother and he has also said that it sounds like we may have to make our youngest brother leave until/unless he starts facing the fact that he must change to remain in a position of protection and shelter within this family,and his abuse of any of us will no longer be tolerated. We also want to tell dad that he has to change too,and stop being weak and allowing all of us to be tormented by this over-grown spoiled brat because he can't face making him stand on his own two feet,and stop using the family,stop using Dad most of all. Please tell me what you think,what we should do,and what you think is wrong with our brother.How should we handle this?HELP!!!!! My brother is just so disturbed,and we can't seem to reach him. I am sinking into a deep depression living with him everyday. I hate going downstairs when I know he is home. I am afraid in my own home and I am tired of it. I know my brother has a lot of hurt and anger and he is very immature,but I cannot allow the fact that he needs healing and counseling to continue to be a license to abuse us. He is such a cold person,you have to be around him,to witness it,it's scary. I wonder sometimes if he has a conscious. I have never before witnessed someone's behavior that is so absolutely, and consistently selfish. Last,what is wrong with our father? I think I should tell you that 15 years ago dad's oldest son from a previous marriage was murdered. We think that dad was so hurt by this that he cannot get past his fear that Kevin will be killed or something bad will happen to him if he is made to leave,we think that he cannot face what he must do. Dad has fed this attitude of entitlement in our brother for so many years, that our brother cannot see that dad and mom do not have to allow him to live with them,rent free,and/or put up with him at all. Their legal obligation ended when he turned 18,and he is 35 years old!. Thank you Doctor for your time and advice.

You accurately understand the situation. You could involve the police, to try to force him into getting help, but it won't work, because he hasn't committed a crime yet. Your brother is probably mentally unbalanced, but your dad's fear of challenging him over the years has just made it worse. The truth of the matter is that your brother probably can't make it on his own in the outside world anymore anyway, so you are dealing with three sick people. It's critical that you take care of yourself in the midst of all this craziness, so that you too don't go down with the ship.

Bottom Line: What a tough situation. You can't do anything, if your dad won't support you. Given that he won't start practicing tough love, you'd best move out, and visit every day, to be helpful where you can (while keeping yourself sane from a distance).

 Dear Doc:
Is it true that when you have a critically ill spouse and are care giver for 3-4 years that the greiving period begins long before the actual death.

That is very true.

Bottom Line: Many may not understand it, but death comes as a gift when the spouse is freed from their illness, and the care giver is freed to say goodbye, close the book, and move forward.

 Dear Doc:
Hello, i have a question i hope you can help me, i am very shy to go to a gynacologist and ask this question. Therefore i want to ask this question to you. About a month ago i lost my virginity to my boyfriend, he promised me that he's going to marry me and we been together for 2 years, but he did not keep his promise, and we broke up. I feel like dirty and used. I only had sex with him 2 times. Now I want to know is it possible to become virgin again, physically, is ther any kind of surgery for this? Please help me out. Virginity means a lot to me and to my culture, therefore i want to find out. Thank you for your support.

Sorry, but once you've lost your virginity, it's gone forever.

Bottom Line: You will just have to go forward. Maybe you can keep this secret to yourself.

 Dear Doc:
I have been seeing a married man for almost 4 years now within the first six months he said he seperated and was thinking of divorce. We have been best friends for over 20 years, and before he said anything about divorce I knew that I would have to stop this one day because there was nowhere to go with it, well after he said he was seperated our relationship grew, we both have children his children are over 18 and he is divorced from there mother for a very long time, I have older and younger children, they see him as there stepfather, he spends every holiday with us and we go everywhere together, we have all become one family, we talked about our future, our grandchildren, I now have a stepgrandchild, and everything that couples talk about, I have learned that his children do not care for her much they are not allowed to speak with there father when with her she gets mad they say, I learned he isn't pemited to have pictures of his family in his home, I learned that, when his daughter visited him and he also told me, up until 4 months ago I believed he was seperated and wanted a life with the family we made and combined together, now he has a baby maybe 2 months old which I just found out about and the older kids did too. He still wants to be a family and states he has divorce papers,but can't do it right now? and all the older children want this family to stay together, and believed as I did, he states he needs time? his wife is not us citizen, please help.

Your first mistake was to date a married man. Things will most likely never change with him.

Bottom Line: It looks like he wants more than one family. So tell him you won't do it, and that he has to choose. Odds are he'll be gone. If that doesn't work for you, then decide to keep going as you have for years.

 Dear Doc:
My boyfriend and I have been living together for over a 18 months (something we were not ready for but I needed a place to live and he took me in) From the beginning he told me he was still married but seperated for 15 yrs. He told me he does not want to get married again but he did not mind getting a divorce. He put off the divorce because he was afraid his wife would cause conflict and keep him from seeing his daughter who just turned 18. His wife lives in Cananda we live in Texas and his daughter just moved here to Texas. His daughter has not seen her father since she was 8. They just reunited. My bf tells me he loves me to death and he does not want to lose me. A couple of times he has spoke of marriage but then took it back....we even talked about adopting a child. Just the other day he said it again "you know I do not want to get married but I am not saying it will never happen". I know not to pressure him...the marriage conversations just come now and then usually brought up by someone else. I am not into any blame game here I just need to know the truth does he really mean what he says....I do not want to ever get married again. Recently we talked about his divorce but he told me his ex will cause a lot of problems and he hates conflict and can't handle it right now. He is under a lot of stress and does not want to deal with her right now...fair enough but is this just another excuse? I do not know what to believe any longer. He talks about our future together and even wants me to move again with him to another place...but I am tired of mixed messages and I need to know if he is playing games, just waiting for the right one to come along and I will do until then...fear of failing or getting hurt? He has a hard time with communication but has tried to improve...an issue we are working on but he gets upset if I bring anything up about our relationship....which I barely do. I love this man to death but I want marriage and do not want to keep living together but right now I can't afford to move out and I have no one to stay with. Do I have the talk and take the risk of running the man I love off for good...... if there is a chance of marriage in our future? What is this man really telling me and what should I do? I do not want to waste any more time on this relationship if living together is a far as it will ever go. I am sorry if this is a confusing post but right now I am confused and I really have a hard time with sharing the right words..You may not tell me what I want to hear but I am looking for truth here. Thank you for any help....Lori

It is very unlikely that he will ever follow through with the divorce.

Bottom Line: If marriage is what you want, then moving out is what you must do.

 Dear Doc:
I have finally taken the step of initiating a move out of my neighborhood to keep my abusive ex-boyfriend from contacting me and me from responding to his overtures. I have not talked with him at all for a week so far. Before that, I made it for 2 weeks. I know that's not long. He works where I work and lives less than a mile from here, so he is always around so it is challenging to avoid all contact. He came up and rang the bell one day last week for a long time and left angry messages. I am in counseling once a week, joined an online support group, and confided to my family how bad the abuse got (mostly emotional), among others. It is like a spell has lifted and I am out of isolation and I'm beginning to (for last 4 weeks) socialize with friends I had been out of touch with. It has been good during this time. How can I be sure not to get in such a relationship again? The first abusive relationship was when I divorced my ex-husband after he punched me in the eye and scratched my cornea. My father and mother were physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child sometimes. I have been in counseling several times, once when my Dad yelled at me so bad when I was 16 that I stopped eating much, once when I was getting the divorce, and again during this last situation. Lately, I have felt good being on my own and am starting to feel like my own person again, especially in preparing to move away from here. I just wonder what it takes to feel strong and good enough about myself that this sort of thing does not happen to me again. I feel like I am slowly coming to life again now and don't want to revert back into the darkness of an abusive relationship. Thank you.

Continue with your therapy and support groups in the years ahead, and your emotional health will continue to improve.

Bottom Line: Move far away from your abusive past, no matter how far you have to go.

 Dear Doc:
Hello, my name is Sarah. I am 28 years old and have recently been given the facts of my medical history with regards that I underwent extensive pyschological testing presenting with constant and consite dissregard and complete disrespect for anyone with athority or any person whom gave me direct instruction. My mother finally revealed to me that my diagnosis was oppositional behavior dissorder. I have asked her on numerous occasions previously, wondering how it was possible I was never diagnosed with ADHD, feeling this was truely the factor that constantly made my efforts to progress in society and life depressingly so far below the bar I know I am mentally capable of acheving. Her response never faltered in being what I now see as vague yet believable. This reponse verbatim almost to the T " You were tested for ADHD, you were tested for a couple of days, they ran many tests, and they said you were very very smart, very very smart. You did not have ADHD." My mother has never lied to me before. I was told and always remember knowing that I was adopted. My mother, who gave birth to me, loved me so much that she knew she could not give me every thing she wanted to so she loved me so much she gave me up so I could have everything she wanted the best for me." Perhaps my mother telling me this instilled in me the belief that the truth is what was spoken. For me I took it one step futher. If that is what is told to you that is what you believe. A person lying is ashamed of the truth and says what they want to be, I dont think average people realize that truthful people take this as reality and choose there actions based on these lies." Ok went on a Tangent., Anyway my question to you Doctor, given this new light on the apparent dissorder, "OPPOSITIONAL BEHAVIOR DISORDER", what should be my next step in beginning treatment. If possible could you mail me information or pehaps a general outline for me to follow, perhaps just a list with potential avenues to persue. Thankyou so much for your time and knowlege, Sincerely...

Half the job of your improvement is your acceptance of your diagnosis, and your willingness to work on it.

Bottom Line: Read everything you can find on the subject, and get yourself into long term therapy.

 Dear Doc:
My potentially future mother in law hates me. It is affecting my relationship with my fiancee to the point that she doesn't want to be with me anymore if I can't fix the problems with her mother. What do I do?

I know it's hard to hear, but you'd best run away, and never look back!

Bottom Line: If your fiancee is not supporting you now, and you're not even married yet, you will be entering a forever hell if you go ahead with the wedding. Let her mother win. She wants to break you up. She will be doing you a favor in the long run!

 Dear Doc:
My wife of 8 years is currently a recovering alcholic and has started an affair with another AA member and has told me. Do I kick her out, leave, or hang in there?

Is she going to stop the affair? Many marriages goe through this, and can survive, if the couple remain dedicated to each other.

Bottom Line: Life with someone in recovery can be great, if they stay on their program. However, they sometimes just switch their addictions. In a case such as yours, this may be the case, and may suggest that it's time for you to go solo.

 Dear Doc:
I'm about to have my attorney send papers to my husband because i'm divorcing him. He's been verbally abusive, unsupportive and manipulative by always toying with my emotions. Why do I feel so guilty? In my state, everything is 50/50, I came into this 4 year marriage with nothing, but I did move 1/2 way accross the country to be with him. He has hurt me so much over time, why am I feeling bad about hurting him now?

Probably because you ae unhealthy. Assuming you believe that you don't deserve to be abused and manipulated, you need to tell yourself to cut it out and eliminate your unhealthy guilt responses.

Bottom Line: If you feel too badly, you can always not take half of what he owns. But most people don't get to the point where they feel all THAT guilty!

 Dear Doc:
I am 40 yrs. old. He is 47 yrs. old. He and I hit it off. We started out as friends, and eventually had sex. I really like this man, but after I realized he was only using me for afternoon quickies, I confronted him. He never sees me in the evening or on the weekends; always at lunchtime. So, now he tells me I am too pushy and to back off. Was I right to speak my mind about it?

You certainly were.

Bottom Line: Unless this is the type of relationship that you want, only you can change it, by letting him know what you think.

 Dear Doc:
My son had a drinking problem. It started his last year of highschool and continued for a few years before he stopped. While he was drinking he stole from his employers and lost two jobs because of it. One pressed charges and he went to court. He graduated a year later than his class and when he started working after graduation he was fired because he would oversleep every morning. His senior year he was already 18 so we were told there was nothing we could legally do to get him to stop that we would have to wait until he was ready or the courts made his decisions. He had two DUI's along with the stealing. He than met a girl that he moved in with and shortly after she was pregnant. He decided to give up alcohol and has been sober for a few years. Shortly after he quit his girlfriend had a miscarriage and they began arguing. He told me he was moving out but they were going to continue trying to work things out. He never moved out but she began seeing her old boyfriend. Not long after that the holidays came and he asked that we change the time we spend holidays to another time because his girlfriend has to go to several different parties as her parents are divorced and their are several grandparents and others to go to that day. We accommadated them the year before but this time I said no, their multiple families were not my problem, I have several other children to think about also, if they couldn't make it maybe they could comeover someother time but I wasn't making the little ones wait for the "Easter Bunny" until the day after. Now they are getting married. I had not met her family yet but My "lovely" son told them what I had said about the multiple families and it being their problem. When I did meet them it was a very hostile environment. They made several references to "multiple families etc." He also told them how horrible I am because I'm a "nut job" and he slammed his siblings to them also. So several negative digs were made regarding them also. My son denied ever saying that but I have caught him in too many lies to believe he didn't. My husband and I have already put up half the money for this wedding before this all came out but I really don't want to go now. I have already been to one shower and got a taste of how the wedding will be. But apparently slamming me to his new family wasn't enough he than enlisted the aid of my sister whom there are too many years between us to have ever been really close. Would it be really terrible to bow out of your own childs wedding?

The high road would be to go, and to rise above all the pettiness, showing that you are not diminished by the dysfunctional family games.

Bottom Line: But hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. It's not like your relationship with your son is headed anywhere positive in the near future anyway (unfortunately).

 Dear Doc:
My current "live-in" boyfriend was married twice. No children by the 2nd marraige, but 1 child by the first, and 4 step children by the 1st. Unfortunately, his biological child passed away, although they had been divorced for about 6 years, at the time. Since then, "J" has maintained a relationship with the 1st's children. The problem is not the relationship that he is maintaining but the exwife calls all the time and wants to talk. She has caused many many problems with our relationship, saying irrational things, calling all the time and wanting to "curse" at me. I think it is improper for them to talk, being that they have been divorced for 10 years. She thinks he should call her and wish her a happy birthday, as she cries, or makes insignificant conversation. He feels bad and feels in the middle. What is appropriate? Thanks.

He is afraid to be assertive, and give his ex some boundaries. Sounds like he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" toward his ex.

Bottom Line: He is making a mistake. He needs to get stronger, and commit more of himself to you, or he may lose the good that he has with you.

 Dear Doc:
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now and he is struggling with smoking pot on a regular basis. I believe he has an addiction because he has tried to stop and failed and doesnt necessarily want to. We have been getting really serious and he has talked about marriage. I told him I will not marry someone who does drugs because I dont want that around my house and eventually our family together. He doesnt seem to think its a big deal and says he wants help and is willing to try hard to stop. However, I find him still doing it. He doesn't seem to be getting better. I am not so sure what to do. I dont want to let it continue and then 2 years down the road we are still facing this same dillema when it comes to marrying him. Should I dump my boyfriend or continue trying to help him, while he knows that I will not marry him while he still does drugs?

Move on without him.

Bottom Line: If he is serious about you, and changing his habits, he'll come after you.

 Dear Doc:
I am 80 years old, my husband of l8 years and I can not get along. We have three pets 2 dogs and l cat. The dogs never seem to do anything wrong- he just picks on the cat if it gets sick. He constantly find fault with me. What can I do with this situation?

Probably not much. I'm assuming that if you could afford it, you would have moved out.

Bottom Line: Go out and make your own life as best you can, and don't give his words toward you any power.

 Dear Doc:
I have a 19 year-old nephrew that lies, steals, and pawns anything he can get a hold of. He will not work or even go back to school to get his GED. All he does is sit at home or drive his father's car around. I'm sorry to say, his father gives him money all the time.

So the problem is with dad, which impacts his son.

Bottom Line: You are powerless here. Look the other way, unless your nephew asks for help.

 Dear Doc:
I was wondering how you begin to trust again, my wife lied to me awhile back.She said she will get her trust back.So my question is how will I know? We had a problem about the lying she did,and she said I was insecure and jealous,which she is right and I am trying to change it but having problems doing it,I dont really know how.It seems like I am trying really hard to make this work but she is not, maybe it is just me.Ihave to admit are sex life has improved drastically.So maybe that is a good sign.How do I stop being jealous and insecure?

You really won't know. Once it's been broken, doubts usually hang on. The longer she goes being honest, the more trustworthy you can feel. You have a right to be insecure and jealous.

Bottom Line: It's not a good sign that you are trying harder than her. She may be using you. Try to let go of the relationship a bit, realizing that you can move on without her if need be.

 Dear Doc:
I have been engaged to my fiance for 2 years and we are supposed to get married in 6 weeks. however he has just been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and is taking wellbutrin and depekote. He is still having violent episodes about every 3 weeks. we have a 16 month old son and I have 3 children from a prior marriage and us calling everything off will devestate them however my family is no longer supportive of the marriage and are urging me to leave him. I know in my heart that he doesnt mean the mean nasty things that he says and that afterwards he is really sorry and he doesnt want it to happen again but he is obviousely sick. the invitations have been sent out and everything is paid for. I do not want to turn my back on him I feel like we are soulmates, things are so great whn he is not in an episode. I love him but I am not sure how to get my family to understand his disease they think hes just deliberately mean and doesnt care. I want to stand by him I just do not know how to live on these emotional rollercoasters with him is there any hope or is he just always gonna be this way??should I stay or should I go what is the probability of this working out we are both committed to his treatment,please help.

If he stays on his meds, and also stays in talk therapy, your chances are decent. The problem is that this type of person often goes off their meds once they feel better, thinking that they are "fine now." Then, of course, the ugly side of the person invariably comes back.

Bottom Line: It would be easier to run, but if your love and mutual commitment is as strong as you say, then proceed to the alter.

 Dear Doc:
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. The problem is that she continues to lie to me about stuff. The last time I found out, I told her this is the last time "Do not Lie to me ever again over anything", She promised not to ever lie to me and to always tell me everything. Over the last couple of months she keeps giving me confirmation that she will never lie to me again. Well I have just found out that she has lied to me again and she kept lieing to me to cover it up. I love her so much, how can I stay with her? She keeps begging me saying it will never happen again...but I have heard that already over and over again but it has happend again. How can I trust her? Is it possible, or is our relationship doomed to fail? This will be the fourth time if we start again. How many chances can I give?

So be a man of your word and leave her!

Bottom Line: Yes, it's doomed. You have probably given her one chance too many already!

 Dear Doc:
i have a husband thats an alcoholic, and every night he's verbally and emotionally mean, to everyone. been married 23 years, have three children, in the last three years I have caught him flurting with a coworker(who has since been fired for sleeping and being sexual with the other employees),I'll never know the full extent of his relationship with her, he's a really good liar. he has been on line looking for a discrete sexual relationship and whenever caught acts devastated and swears he loves me and the kids and will never do it again. but all his life he has made bad choices and can't quit any addiction he starts. example smoking , drinking, porn ect. his health is bad and I feel guilty thinking if i wait it out it will be easier when he dies than getting a divorce. but i'm a good honest person and feel awful about waiting for his illness to end this, and it could be awhile. all my kids are lovely and support me and tell me to leave him and it just hurts to know the legacy he has left for them to remember. will a divorce make things better for the family (Kids and I) or not, I just I'm not sure what to do.

Listen to your kids, and leave him tomorrow!

Bottom Line: Waiting for his death ruins the life that you have left to live!

 Dear Doc:
I wrote to you recently about being in a so-so marriage. I'm on my way to leaving my husband and i'm scared to death. I found an apartment to rent in a great neighborhood in the city I love for a great price. I will be living down the street from great friends. I'm a nerveous reck. He's been so disinterested in my life and a jerk lately, but I oddly don't want to hurt his feelings. I feel like i'm making a huge mistake at the same time that I know I need a change. I don't feel anything sometimes and then I burst out crying because i'm just so sick of him. My friends tell me great things like i'm beautiful & brilliant, they make me feel so good about myself. I told my father, he said he doesn't want me to feel like i'm alone, however, I really know I cannot count on him. Part of me is so utterly embarrased by all this..i'm ashamed that i'm going to be a divorced woman. I'm ashamed that i'm going to be moving back to the city I love with a failed marriage. My friends keep telling my that my husband is the one who failed me. I'm soo utterly scared. The man that i'm renting the apartment from is so nice, he is so supportive. I think what bothers me most is that i'm afraid I will not make it, that I won't have enough money etc. I've noticed though, that my life has changed a lot over the last year. I've been much more self-sufficient and have been meeting people who are healthy for me. I met my husband during a very dark time in my life, so i'm not surprised how things have turned out. I wish I had a crystal ball that worked.

Here's what your crystal ball has to say: You will be fine! Don't let fear hold you back.

Bottom Line: Change is scary as hell. But it will open the door of your life to a wonderful future... guaranteed!

 Dear Doc:
I have been married for 13 years. But the last 2 years my husbands driniking has come to embarrass me. He says he can quit but never proves it to me. He has been caught lying to me so be out with others that may have more relaxed views on alchol.(my perception) We tried couple counseling when this started and it made him mad. We have 2 children 6 and 8. I feel that he thinks things are owed to him. I think we have had our glory days and we put the family needs first then we can play within safe limits. I feel that I should try and help him so I can feel like I did my best. But he doesn't lie about where he is at now he has mutated to just not showing up and being responsible for anything. He likes to turn things around saying that I have the issues not him. We have done individual conseling that has helped me realize my self worth and I am pushing towards couples counseling again to hopefully deal with the issues that he is running away from. How can I empower, motivate him instead of being the bad guy. I feel he is emotionally unreachable. I hate to give up on him, but am lost at what I can really tolerate any more. Any advice would be great!!

Stop trying to fix him. He won't budge, and it will make you crazy.

Bottom Line: Live your life, and don't let him hold you back. If he can't be with you, then you're better off alone and healthier.

 Dear Doc:
I have a boyfriend who is an alcoholic, and he cheats on me often as he is scared of commitment.This only happens when he is close to drinking weekends, which happens once in about two months, but for about 3 days at a time. In between he can manage to fight the alcohol because I help and support where I can.He is 32 and still living with his mom.He can not work with money, and does not pay her to stay there. But she understands and we all are helping him and supporting him. He is getting better. It just hurts me when he visit other girls - who are willing to drink with him usually - while I care too much to allow that. When he is drunk, and very depressed he comes to me and I am always supportive and understanding. Never judging him. But due to his friendship with me he is getting better. I do not want to let go of our friendship. I love him very much, and he loves me too. But what can I do to make things better as I am really depressed because this weekend he is again visiting the other girl - and my heart is breaking because of it. I dont know if it is romantic or what - he feels that he does not have to tell me or his mom if he doesn't want to. What can I do? I love him so much. And he knows I'll be there for him. He always come to me , but why is he such a user? What am I doing wrong?

Your're being too nice, and letting him use.

Bottom Line: Hit him with some tough love, and quit rescuing him. Then you'll see if he really cares. Sorry, but I wouldn't hold your breath on that one. This guy's a people-user and a taker.

 Dear Doc:
My older sister has such extreme jealousy issues with me, it spills over to even my daughter. I find it very disturbing, upsetting and even baffling. I do my best to be a good sister but, she continues to make nasty, snide comments. It makes me want to totally avoid her but, I can't always do that due to family occasions. My only response has been to ignore it. How do you think I should handle it?

Maybe you should stop being the good sister, and tell her what you really think.

Bottom Line: If you really can't handle being around her, skip a few family events. That will probably create some interesting change within the larger family.

 Dear Doc:
Im not sure where to start. I am a seperated mom of a three year old boy. my husband walked out on us january 2005, for another woman. he lived in another state for a year, seen his child once in that year. he now lives in our state and wants visitation every other weekend. We are in the divorce process, which i am doing without a lawyer, and paying for all court costs my self. He says he wont agree to sign the papers unless he can see his son.We are on public assistance since he left, we lost our car, and i have had to file bancruptcy He is irresponsible,(cannot keep a long term job, or a drivers license) unstable (has lived at three different address' just in the last 6 months)and thinks only about himself and what he wants, or needs. He pays me no money to raise this child, and is extremely immature. ( i know "why did i ever hook up with him in the first place") he is a really good liar. so he is now living with a girlfriend, and insists on not giving me his address, or giving me her full name. I am on this earth to take care of my children, ( have a 11 year old girl from previous marriage)and i want to know who they are with and make sure they are safe. If my ex has to run to the store or whatever, what kind of person is taking care of my child, i think i have a right to know. He doesnt always make the best decisions in his life, and i dont want my child to get caught up in his web. i obviously cant afford a lawyer, what do I do? I know that my son deserves to see his father, but im scared. help please.

In most communities there are organizations for women without resources. Call your county and search out an attorney for people without funds.

Bottom Line: There has got to be a way to keep your child safe. Try your county's Child Protective Services office.

 Dear Doc:
Recently told my wife I want a divorce. It has taken me years to come to this decision. For years she made me feel terrible about myself. One day I decided I couldn't take it any more and refused to let her bully me and to stop always caving in to her. She had said numerous times that she was unhappy, wanted to leave and leave me with the children (I have been the pretty much the primary care giver of our children: Dr. appts. school p/u and drop offs etc.), that I should find someone else, that it was her and not me. She would become terribly jealous if I went out with a friend for a few beers (mind you I only do this once every other month or so). We tried counseling a few years back, but only after I wrote her a letter saying we couldn’t go on like this and we need do something. That first attempt at counseling failed miserably. I couldn’t discuss a sore subject with her with out her shutting me down because she was annoyed that I might bring it up in counseling. The therapist said we were pretty much opposites in most ways. My wife never would discuss anything in counseling. Eventually we quit counseling and to this day she still says that therapist had the ‘hots’ for me; to which I still disagree. Two to three months prior to my telling her I wanted a divorce We had a discussion where she told me that it was ok if I didn’t love her any more and if it was over to just tell her, that these things happen. She also said she would move out in six months if that was the way it was. It was a tearful moment for both of us. I guess I wasn’t ready and said lets just wait a little longer (in retrospect that was somewhat dishonest). Finally I get up the nerve to tell her I want a divorce and she flips out completely. Not at all what I expected given our last conversation. The next day she and I talk and she goes on how she want to try counseling if only to help us communicate better, that we owe it to our sons, that we had it before and it was important to her. Reluctantly I agreed to counseling mostly for the sake of our sons. Finally it came out that she was seeing a therapist for the last two or three months and felt she was now in better place to address our relationship. So now I find my self in counseling. This counselor is very good in many ways. However I feel pressured to change my mind. I resent the fact that when the marriage was in crisis I was left holding the bag alone, finally gave up and then took a long time coming to terms with that and what it would do to my family; but now three or four years after the initial crisis point she finally wants to make it work and I am supposed to try to feel something emotionally that I gave up a long time ago. I don’t hate her I care about her but I cringe at the thought of spending the rest of my life with her. I can’t bring my self to make major improvements to the house since I feel it is money down the drain. I feel like I am back a year ago in terms of stress and anxiety. On top of everything she now says she want the children even though by her own admission many of her issues revolve around her feeling of inadequacy as a mother and she only sees them 3 hours a day. Help!!! What should I do!!??

Move out and move on!

Bottom Line: She is hanging on for all the wrong reasons. Once you get over the hump of the split, life will improve by bunches.

 Dear Doc:
My husband and I have loved our two daughters immeasureably, like most parents, I guess. Our first daughter was wonderful, not perfect (none of us are!), but wonderful until about sixteen. We had a mother/daughter "conflict" over a boy. Of course her dad was not happy either. All this somehow lead to depression, suicide attempt, a year of therapy, and medication, then she "seemed" better, but always chose the "dregs" for friends, and dates. We found out years later, in college, from a true friend of hers, that she was doing meth. We had an intervention and she agreed, reluctantly, to go to drug treatment. After three months she moved out of the treatment facility with no money, although they had encouraged her for months to find a job. She moved in with a man she met in AA almost twice her age, and one month later was engaged to him. We had been paying her way through school, sorority, etc. She was living elsewhere that last semester and had taken up with an assistant cook who she met in the "house" where she was living...and in the month that she finished her drug treatment was professing her undying love for this woman. One month later she was engaged to this guy. She has manipulated the rest of the family who now lives closer to her that all of this is our fault and that we are mistreating her with hate in our hearts. Her man has expressed many vulgar negative and disrespectful thoughts to us. I personally begged him to wait a year after her treatment for marriage to allow us some healing as a family. He never finished his education, and has been a cancer patient on and off since his early twenties. We do have another daughter, who is trying to do the right thing. Older sister really has affected younger so that she tries to be perfect, and the younger one is too hard on herself, although thinking back on them as babies, they seem to have been born with personalities that persist. Obviously, I made a career out of being a mom and I am having trouble getting over the loss created here. We, of course, blame ourselves in part for not being perfect parents, but we blame free will more. We cannot approve of a disrespectful offspring at any age, and are finding we have to love her at a distance, which is still difficult when you want your family to be whole. I guess we just need to try to go forward, and if things eventually work out, they will. Older daughter did go back to school on govt. funds, as she rejected our offer to see her through school if she would wait until she finished school to marry, and lived alone until her head was clearer. She is 23. We have holes in our hearts. I think she blames us for not loving her enough, loving the other daughter more (didn't) and everything we did as parents she seemingly did not appreciate. She has never seemed contrite about anything, which we see more clearly now. Sadly, there is now a baby on the way, will be financed by medicaid. We are living a nightmare, and thinking why our family? Our communication with her is limited to a couple of e-mails or a phonecall now and then, very distant. She lives in another state, where we sent her for treatment, and we have not seen her in over a year.We feel that we have to love her from a distance, period, and hope someday that things will be different. We don't know what else to do. We had therapy for a while, but this didn't seem to help. It appeared that we needed to help ourselves to go forward, and focus on daughter #2 to try to see her through her education until she is self-reliant. Any advice? (Of course there is more to the story.)

You are doing the right thing with your tough love. The truth is that our kids are the luck of the draw. Some are always wonderful, and some never are. It is healthy to not take too much credit for their successes, and not to much blame for their failures. Unfortunately, your story is not uncommon. Continue to do your best, and live your life forward.

Bottom Line: She hasn't learned from her therapy, because she is still blaming others, rather than taking responsibility. Prepare yourself for things not improving. That's the most likely outcome, regardless of what you do. If it gets better for you, let that be a sweet surprise.

 Dear Doc:
What is the best way to break up with someone for good who has a really bad temper, lives in my neighborhood, and works down the hall from me? I had tried to break up with him and failed several times in the last several months. Part of the problem is definitely ME because I pick up the phone and talk to him when he calls. I am afraid he will get really mad and do something crazy and I still remember when he acted "normal." Part of it is also that I feel so helpless as he does not listen to anything I say. I wrote in to you before when he (on-again, off-again ex-boyfriend) was really acting up with his temper. It calmed down in intervals for a while but now he keeps getting angrier and angrier. I have been in counseling since March as a result of all this. That has given me some outside perspective that helps. I have broken up with him and he keeps saying he loves me and does not want to break up. He'll say "sit" and I have to sit on the couch. Then when he does not like something I say when I try to tell him how I feel, he says "get out." Last time, I said, okay, I will and we should never speak again. Yet, I saw him at work and on my cell phone he left 3 messages the next morning saying how much he loves me. I know it is not love, but I'm having trouble extricating myself again. He is highly intelligent, went to law school, but when he was younger used to break into shopping malls, beat people up on occasion, and used cocaine in law school (stories he has told me). Now he takes Ritalin and sleeping pills all the time ostensibly for a sleeping disorder. I am starting to realize that I am better than this through the counseling. (I also had an abusive marriage a year before I met him and had just emerged from that). For a while, I have still felt like I had to win his approval all the time. I see that I am losing sleep from the late-night fighting and am afraid of him. One day lately, he threw his briefcase at a bus and blocked the bus driver from leaving the bus after he thought the driver was trying to run him down as we were walking to the train at the same time from work. He called the police thinking they should arrest the bus driver for assault but they did not. He calls me at home to ask if I will look up stuff in his Yahoo mail account since he buys stuff on Ebay, his computer broke, and instead of using his money to buy a computer like he said, he bought a 1973 motorcycle. I said do you really want me looking in your email account and he said go ahead, look there's nothing bad in there. So, I looked in some email files other than the inbox, and part of the time last year when he was promising he'd go to anger counseling, he was emailing a very close apparently ex-girlfriend about taking out a personal ad. There were also repeated emails calling me a b*** and saying he hoped I'd die in Iraq if I get deployed there (I'm also part-time military). The "hatred" emails were at a time when I told him we were just friends and he wrote how I was a terrible person to his friends (out of town friends- he doesn't have any here other than a motorcycle club) because I would not have sex with him. I don't trust him anymore from reading all that and he knows I read them. There were also emails in there in which he faked Yahoo mail accounts and spent Friday afternoons a year ago (when we were not dating me) writing emails from ex-girlfriends to himself in hopes I would see them one day, he claims, to make me jealous. At first, I thought they were real, but he showed me how he created about 5 different email accounts in their names. I have gotten him to go to the employee assistance counseling twice, but get the sense he is not impressing upon them the seriousness of the problems. They are just seeing him once every two weeks, he says. I go once a week to my counseling. Last time, you advised me to move away and/or find a new job and that he sounded dangerous. I can't afford to move and I have not found another comparable job. Even though he invited me to read his email, he also simultaneously threatened me with jail if I kept any copies of them and I have acted in ways myself that are not healthy, such as when he kicked me out after a long fight in the middle of the night, I was crying out his name outside his building on the steps and I think the neighbors heard. He tells me to call him and come over and then acts like that. He is highly intelligent, a former lawyer and manipulative, and I think he'd use anything against me, including the time I was outside his building after the fight, or anything else he might make up to get me put in jail as he threatens. I am having real trouble with doing "no contact," and I think I have to somehow do it. The trouble comes in when I hear his plaintive voice mails and believe him again. I am taking the advice of my counselor to do more social things away from him, but it is like my heart is not in it. He never plans ahead to do things with me but always expects me to be available at the drop of a hat all weekend. Or, he tags along when I go places. I simultaneously joined a Bible study and am training for a marathon, which are the only things I am really enjoying right now. I feel if I stay in this situation I am in, I'll get really depressed. Why can't I seem to permanently get myself out of this situation?????? I can't talk to my family anymore about it because they think I already got out of the situation and did not really offer any emotional support, and my Mom said, here you go again, making the same mistakes over and over again.

Unfortunately, your mom is correct. Your reasons for staying are complex. Hopefully your therapist will help you figure them out. Once you know why, you can better break your toxic pattern.

Bottom Line: Regardless, you need to get the hell out, before real violence occurs. A move across the country might be in order, because as long as he is near, you probably won't stay away from him.

 Dear Doc:
I am having a hard time with being jealous about my wife,she lied to me awhile, she went for coffee with a ex boyfriend for 4.5 hrs one night.But she lied about everything prior to doing this.She waited till I left for work, then phoned him. And I caught her in a bunch of lies to where she was,when she finally realised she was caught she finally told me the truth about where she was.I think I believe her nothing happend, other then talking.We have been talking to a marriage counsellor,and we are getting along great now.But the problem I am having is how I forget this happend and continue on with are life. I just cant stop thinking about, but I dont say anything to her about how much it is bothering me because we are getting along so good right now.My other problem is insecurity. I have always had that how do I over come that problem too.

Maybe you should focus on some therapy just for yourself. Insecurity is a deep problem that usually started early in our lives. You're wise to not bring up your jealousy to your wife. It stinks the way she has lied, but you can't control her behavior.

Bottom Line: Develop more strength in yourself, and then you will be less needy, so that you can leave her if she doesn't take good care of your marriage.

 Dear Doc:
My daughter is only 6, but acts like a spoiled teenager. She has never had to wait too long until the next gift from grandma or whoever, but was still sweet and could at least muster up a 'thank you'. Now, she pushes me out of the dressing room and acts like we owe her something. She likes to talk 'valley girl' style and has no older siblings or cousins to emulate. We have cut off all disney channel shows and just need advice on how to get our sweet little girl back!

Cut off all of the spoiling from the outside. Only reinforce desireable behaviors. It will be hell for awhile, but then she will return to kindergarten decency.

Bottom Line: Usually we are the problem, not the child. Tough love is hard, but it's almost always best. It's time for her to go to kiddie bootcamp!

 Dear Doc:
I don't know how to forgive my parents. I've been to therapy, it helped greatly, I realize distance makes our relationship better. However, I don't feel any love for them. Maybe I feel guilty? The reason I don't even respect them anymore is because they are so selfish. When I talk to them on the phone, all they talk about is themselves, when I talk, it's like they are incapable of listening. My parents have money and a lot of assets. They wouldn't help me pay for college, and because they have a lot of money, I was not elligible for that much financial aid. They constantly doubted me and told me I don't deserve a good education (I ended up graduating with honors from one of the best schools in my profession which requires not only brains but also god given talent) I had to work through school, I was so poor, I could hardly eat, I could never go out. At graduation, they left early because my father was miserable (I think he was jealous becuase he never applied himself...he made all his money buying real estate, but never had a career in the traditional sense of the term) I just hate calling them, I dread the thought of their old age because i'm sure they will hold my inheritance over my head on a string. (My mother's family did this to each other) It's sickening really, people think they are so nice, but I see the way they really are. I think i'm in a marriage now that I really don't want to be in, but got into out of being so poor! When i'm around them, they feel like strangers and people that for some reason I ended up with in life that I owe time to. It's actually boring to be around them becuase they just go on and on about themselves and have no interest in me unless I tell them of my accomplishments so they can go brag to their friends to make them look good. My father is really controlling with money and my mother is bipolar. My brother doesn't ever call and most of his friends don't know I exist. In many ways, i'm the black sheep of the family, but also the one that has it together more than them becuase I have been able to step back, get help and get away. I'm just sad still, but I know I can't change them.

It sounds like you've learned a lot. Now learn to let go of them. Don't try to forgive them. They are messed up, and too sick to be aware of it. It only makes sense to forgive those who see the error of their ways, and ask to be forgiven. As it is said, we can pick our friends, but we can't pick our family. You may need to divorce yourself from all their dysfunction, and go out and build a new and better world with people who you choose to view as family.

Bottom Line: Leave your marriage if it's a mistake. Continue to build your own life, so that you continue to not be controlled by their money. If you don't let them have any power over you, then you are truly free indeed... and there is nothing more beautiful and satisfying than that.

 Dear Doc:
I got married at the ripe old age of 19 to my ex-husband. we had a good marriage for the most part, but his drinking got to me. the marriage ended because I found out he had cheated on me, so I wanted a divorce. I moved back home and went to college. During that time, I met someone... Brad..who I am married to now....and we had briefly broken up the fall of 2001. I contacted my ex-husband and we had plans to meet again. (he lives about 6 hours from me. ) I never went because Brad and I got back together and have since married- 3 yrs next month. I was having marriage problems and the first person i thought of was Calvin. I called him last fall and we talked for a few months. I t was so strange. we were on the same page in life!! both had our degrees, ready for a family...etc. I would say we were on the same page not in the same book, though. He felt the same for me as I did for him. We had plans to get back together... this time forever. We didn't . I thought i better work on my marriage again. Now I am at my wits end, and it has almost been another yr. what do I do? I offered counseling to my husband and he thinks it;s a joke. I went to counseling last fall and my "shrink" had told me that i was looking for every reason to leave and go south.

You can't relive the past. Time to go forward.

Bottom Line: If you really want to leave your current marriage, stand up and do it, without any promises from the past.

 Dear Doc:
My problem is that I can't seem to let go of my husband. He thinks that i had an affair w/my boss. i didn't. he was coming on to me really bad and I didnt tell my husband. it had been going on for about 2.5 years. he knows now but thinks that most of what i'm saying is not true. he had an affair with his sister's best friend of 28 years. My sister in law knew about the affair. He didnt stop talking to her. he said that they never had sex but did kiss and it wasnt right. he says that it was more of a friendship so it was like an emotional affair. we have went through me moving out, him moving out, me moving back in because of legal issues that arouse when I approached his lover. after that i tried to leave again and couldnt make it so i had to come back. i was sick emotionally. i had lost about 23 pounds. so now i'm back and we are still "sleeping" in the same bed and stuff like that. he says he loves me but cant live with me because i nag all the time and we argue a lot. i have no trust for anyone really. he says he's not seeing or talking to her and he wants to prove it but is still wanting a seperation and possibly a divorce and after we heal he says that if its ok then he will marry me again. he says that hes celebrating my birthday with me and its going to be a blast (surpise) and he promised. he knows if he promises- well you shouldnt make a promise you dont intend to keep. then i think about wedding vows. my problem is that i cant except it and i am scared and non trusting and his affair stays in the front of my brain daily. i am in counseling but i dont know where i'm going. help me with suggestions.

Move on as a single.

Bottom Line: There's too much baggage and pain. It is weighing you both down, and won't let go of you. There's a better life out there for both of you as singles.

 Dear Doc:
I am a compulsive gambler, married for 20 years. Gambled once, lost lots of money and my husband bailed me out, went to counseling a few times, joined GA, but thought I could control it. Of course that didn't work, so I gambled more and got in trouble again financially. This time he filed for divorce so I don't ruin him. What he wants is a relationship with me, but has pretty much washed his hands of my gambling problem. My heart is broken, and I feel like he only wants the good part of what we have, but not the problems. I say it's a package deal and want him to be there with me to work through this huge problem. Am I expecting too much? Everytime I see him I feel like he loves me and he cares about me, just not enough, then I want to go gambling. What do you suggest I do?

You are expecting too much. Love doesn't conquer all. Never has, never will.

Bottom Line: Continue to deal with your problems on an individual basis. See a therapist on an ongoing basis, and don't blame anyone else for your problem.

 Dear Doc:
I am a gay male that has been involved with the same male for almost 18 years. I love him very much but he no longer wants anything to do with me. I found out he has had many affairs and recently became infected with the hiv virus. I was tested and my results came back negative, how do I get over this person. I sometimes feel I can't exist without him.

Thank god that you're clean. He's treated you like garbage. Move on already.

Bottom Line: Look honestly into yourself, and discover why you have put up with his junk. It's a weakness in your own character. Once you fix that, you can not only exist without him, you can thrive as never before!

 Dear Doc:
Have been in a realtionship for five years, moved out 2 months ago. We have become best friends over the years, and i really care for him. From the start he has been hot and cold He loves me, then he changes his mind, wants space, we have worked together, took care of him when he was sick, payed rent/food goes on and on been there for him when no one else wanted anything to do w/him, also dealt w/his off and on pot addiction. My stupidity...been his best friend through it all, and the sex has always been awsome, always constant, frequent, chemistry has always been there. I use to model when younger am considered by others as very attractive, always keeping fit...Two monts ago he started w/his space issues, and needed more variety of women w/me joining in! I have always been open w/sex,but never a swinger type, I would go to strip clubs w/him try and experience as much as two people together can experience sexually. he wants to feel that excitement you feel when you first meet someone. He still cmes around for the so called booty calls,few times a week. He told he needs a taller women w/a bigger ass! sounds ridiculous. He thinks I'm beautiful has great sex w/me and he considers me his best friend! I know what I need to do, I just need to hear it!!! Can a man & woman in this situation stay friends, or will it just continue to a painful situation? Help! its hard and I love him..we both have a hard time letting go, but i know he has his own agenda...

Definitely one unhealthy relationship.

Bottom Line: If health and sanity is what you want, then move on is what you must do.

 Dear Doc:
I need to find the courage to leave my husband. I'm in a so-so marriage. I'm an artist and work from home, If I left, my life would change drastically. I get along with people, but I think because i'm myself more than most people, I have a hard time working with others. If I left, I would have to move to another city, I also know that my family would not help me in any way shape or form. I think i'm staying because i'm afraid of being alone, even though i'm a person who like spending time alone.

Do you remember that famous line from Shawshank Redemption? "Fear can hold you prisoner, but hope can set you free!"

Bottom Line: To change for the better can mean letting go of all of the bad, as well as the comfortable. In the long run, you will rebuild with much more good and much less bad. Without a doubt, it will be worth it!

 Dear Doc:
I am in a relationship where I often feel dissatisfied with many things. For example, I mind my boyfriends behaviour, lazyness, lack of ambition etc. On the other hand, when I decide to leave him I change my mind over night. After quarrel, I tend to forget all the reasons that drove me to the decision. What is it that makes me change my mind - is it my own insecurity or could it be love? Btw, we are both young enough (28) to find something more fulfilling.

I would bet on insecurity.

Bottom Line: Don't waste your time on this one. Move on. You deserve better, and it's out there for you!

 Dear Doc:
I've been married for 4 years and my husband doesn't know how to let me feel sick or sad. He's always trying to fix me. I had food poisoning and I felt like I was bothering him that it was interrupting his plans, I threw up in our hallway getting out of the elevator and he wouldn't help me. If i'm sad because when I have a bad day, and get upset, he trys to stop me from feeling sad, he ends up just calling me crazy and yelling at me. What is going on? Why is he so unloving?

It sounds like he is operating out of his own sickness. For some reason, probably based in his past, he can't handle your emotions. He can't be supportive of you because his own dysfunction has him too twisted to be able to see past himself, toward your needs.

Bottom Line: If you haven't already, tell him how this makes you feel. See if he will go to a therapist with you. If he can't admit his own neurosis, take care of yourself regardless.

 Dear Doc:
I got into a car accident yesterday and although i'm ok, my neck hurts. My father-in-law is a doctor and told me that I could just put ice on my neck and take Advil. I'm upset though because my husband is like a baby when he is not feeling well or is hurt, but when i'm hurt or sick it's like he doesn't want to be inconvenienced. I just get a bad feeling from him sometimes. I even question what he would be like to me someday if I were pregnant. I have so many doubts and then some days i'm so happy. I keep questioning my intuition and judgement and that is what scares me the most.

More than anything else, trust your intuition.

Bottom Line: Keep your eyes on this guy. He sounds like he may be a sheep in wolf's clothing.

 Dear Doc:
As a father, and divorced man, my daughter disrespects me , i try to tell her i love her and she won't respond. Her mother is very disrespectful to me. I lost my temper on the phone with my daughter because she was giving me such a bad disrespectful attitude. How can I make ammends. Or should I just ignore the situation.

Just let it go.

Bottom Line: Continue to be a decent man and a good father. Over time, she will grow up, and hopefully come to appreciate you.

 Dear Doc:
i was molested as a little girl. a year ago i was raped. i have severe panic attacks and want to feel better. How do i do this. i can't even think straight.

You can't do it alone. Get professional help asap. You may also need to take some medicine for awhile.

Bottom Line: It will be very very challenging, but you CAN conquer your traumatic past.

 Dear Doc:
My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years. His best friend in the world passed away on Christmas Day 2005. I find that sometimes he will get in a mood to listen to certain cd's and he starts getting all depressed and wishing he had his "buddy" back. My husband had a huge problem w/ drinking rum. (his drink of choice) He would not "mix" a drink, but rather drink it straight followed by my son's juice out of the fridge. We would always get into fights and they would get very nasty, although never physical. After his friend passed away, he promised me he would quit the drinking. He has and it has now been about 5 months. When we gather w/ friends, he will have the occasional beer, but his "shot drinking" has discontinued. However, my husband smokes pot daily. More than once daily. I would say he smokes it about 6 times through his pinch hitter per day. I thought that after the drinking that our marriage would get better....but it hasn't. He constantly tells me that I don't do anything for him and that I have no consideration for him and that I take advantage of all situations. He tells me I am pathetic. We have a son who is 5 and we both love him dearly. I just wonder if the pot is not effecting his thinking/behavior. Sometimes he says things that aren't true and he truely believes what he says. It's amazing that I can hold down a full-time job and he complains that the house is not spotless. I don't think he truely understands just exactly ALL that I do. I am responsible for taking our son to school/daycare. I do the dishes and the laundry, clean the bathrooms, grocery shopping, all the things that have to be done to live normally. BUT it's not spotless. My husband is a wonderful cook, so he does the majority of the cooking when he is home. When we fight he throws that in my face that the only time we get a decent meal is when he cooks. When I do cook, he is always coming in and "messing" with what I do. My husband would sleep until 10 or 11am every morning if he could. He works a physical job and not to mention that he is constantly on the road on business. If I ask him to help me with anything it's a fight, or I'll get to it later. I find that he has no motivation of any kind and every time I say that something needs done, his response is "my plate is full, add it to my list" Him and his dad work together. They own their own business and the money isn't bad. We live comfortably. Not rich, we don't want for things. He does not get along w/ his dad, you can't talk to him. I think this is also eating on him as his dad promised him 4 yrs ago that eventually he would find a way for us to buy the business off of him. That has not materialized and because of my husbands hard work he does at least 50% of the business. My husband has a lot of good traits, but I am at my ropes end. We don't seem to get along anymore, he is constantly complaining and saying that I don't do anything and that everything is my fault. That's another thing, EVERYTHING is my fault. I don't know what to do. There are a lot of factors that I feel are playing into this unhappiness. He is so aggitated all the time and gets so upset at the "small" things in life. He seems angry all the time. He also threw in my face last night of the time I went out of town and I met a guy.(was not in the plan, but nonetheless met him @ a club) I never acted on it, but he thinks that more happened. This also was about 10 years ago *surprise* when we weren't getting along. I have never cheated on my husband and I believe that he has been faithful. I think he is depressed. He also complains of our sex life. I would be more apt to be interested if I wasn't always feeling like I do. How can I be attracted and feel attracted to him in the middle of all this mess? Please tell me what you think. I am not perfect and no one is and I know you are just getting my side of the story, but please respond. Sincerely, Too young to be unhappy.

Undoubtedly his pot is not helping your marriage. Your marriage is in bad shape, which unfortunately isn't uncommon at your stage of marriage. Go to see a therapist. He probably won't go with you, but invite him anyway. He is depressed, and no doubt has long-term issues with his dad and family, that won't be resolved without the help of a professional.

Bottom Line: If things still don't get better, you'd better move on with your life in a new and healthier direction.

 Dear Doc:
My husband is always saying cutely "clumbsy wife" as if it's a pet name. Sure, i'm clumbsy sometimes, but we all have our faults. After September 11th, I lost several jobs due to economy, but I recently started my own company and am doing very well. My husband keeps reminding me of my lost jobs and says "you can't even keep a job" as if he wants me to feel bad about myself! I hate him for this. I'm working so hard, doing a fantastic job and it's as though he doesn't want me to do well. He usually doesn't like to know what i'm working on or thinking about, it's all about him. I recently received some recognition for the work that i'm doing, and suddenly, he is interested and telling me how to proceed!!! Always saying, "make sure you do this" or "check your spelling". There is also a subtle tone from him that says, "don't think you are anything special". People love him, they think he is so amazing, but I see him as a child. He is always causing problems and drags arguments out for hours. He treats me like a child often, he talks down to me and always has to make his point. He requires that I sit down while he finishes telling me things...there is no room for interuption. He's very controling. I think he is actually a wimpy guy who is kind of spoiled, though he works really hard, I think deep down, he just wants everything handed to him. It's like he is Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde. I'm in my early 30's, I know i'm pretty and have a bright future ahead of me. Why am I putting up with this crap!

The great news is that you've figured out that he treats you like crap, and that you are not going to put up with it any more!

Bottom Line: Go, go, go away from him as fast as you can. You deserve WAY better, and it's out there just waiting for you, if you will be brave enough to cut your ties with your dysfunctional past!

 Dear Doc:
im 15 years old and i have been uncontrollably copying people, and when i try to stop i cant. i have to concentrate really hard to not copy the things i see, and when i stop concentrating i find myself copying someone again. do i have a dissease, a dissorder, or a problem whats wrong with me?

It sounds like obsessive-compulsive behavior.

Bottom Line: Get yourself to a therapist for some help. Your problem can be conquered.

 Dear Doc:
I've been married for 9 years and in the last four of these years my husband has not shown any interest in me sexually. He will make excuse after excuse not to be intimate but yet he will masterbate regularily so it's not like he has no sexual urges.He swears up and down he has no interest in anyone else which I find very hard to believe because whenever we are out together he is always checking out the young girls who bare there belly buttons. He has no consideration for how that makes me feel,which I might add makes me feel just terrible. When I first tried talking to him about this he would get angry and walk away ignoring all I had to say. After so many attempts at trying to comunicate with him did I tell him I was leaving and only then did he show some interest in what I was saying but nothing changed even though he promised he would stop treating me like I was invisable. He has the nerve to say to me " I don't know why you feel I am trying to hurt you" After four years of total rejection anyone in thier right mind would feel the way I do. I do everything for this man and I ask for very little other than for him to show me some affection.I take care of myself and look young for my age so I'm even more baffled at why he does this.His male friends always comment to him about how lucky he is to have a nice looking wife yet he can't see it.He has my pictures on his desk at work and shows them to his co-workers all the time and when we go out he tries to show me off to his male friends and smothers me with attention until we are alone then it's back to checking out all the other women.I am so confused. I do know he has low self esteem and I think he uses me to boost himself up around his male friends. Not a day goes by that I don't feel sick inside and I have thoughts of running as far away from him as possible.I resent him very much and I am finding it hard to feel any love for him. Why would a man do this to the person he claims to love? When you love someone you don't conitnually do the same hurtful things over and over knowing that you are hurting them.I can't see things changing and I am tired of always being the one to try to make things right even though I'm not sure what I need to make right because he tells me everything is fine.What is he trying to do to me?

That he doesn't deserve you? That you should leave him because you deserve better?

Bottom Line: Maybe you should take him up on that message, and move on to a better life of which you are more deserving!

 Dear Doc:
My 13 year old daughter is extremely jelous of her two older sisters, 21 & 18, especially the 18 year old. She also has a short temper and explodes very easy. She has already hurt herself and has broken a wall when in one of her fury attacks. How do I deal with this?

Therapy for her, and maybe the whole family, might be in order.

Bottom Line: The teen years can be some of life's toughest, but biological and psychological issues can make things even tougher.

 Dear Doc:
I have been divorced since March 2003. I m a 40 yo(was married for 15, actually 17 years before it was all said and done.) I have had a couple flings. Nothing fulfilling or trustworthy, just warm bodies. I still feel so lost. Kind of worthless and so very alone. I definitely thought, that my ex was the person that I would grow old with. The time that has elapsed since our life together ended seems so empty.(wasted, uninspired time) Is there love after love rips your heart out? What makes life seem like it is worth living?

There is definitely more love to be found in the world. It is usually good people that make life worth living.

Bottom Line: You may want to get some professional help for your depression.

 Dear Doc:
I do not know what to do. I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 years. He was my best friend too. I was getting a divorce from my first husband, and I turned to my friend(our minister) for support. After I was divorced and he was we began a relationship. He promised me that he would not let me be with another addict. He was told doing brief therapy that the drugs and alcohol he was using and going to meeting for was his secondary addiction. Sex being the first. Well he promised me marriage, that he would be with me to the end, holding my hand when I die. The face I would see first thing in the morning, and the face I would see the last thing at night. About three years ago I started to see porn on his computer, then other things that I saw and I spoke with him each time. He admitted to me the difficulty and told me the truth of what had been going on. Now he wants to work his program for 6 months, and then go to a therapist to see if we can live together in marriage, and he cried and said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Its been weeks and when I do speak to him at church, or painting classes he is cold one min. then calls me to say good night. I believe he has been cheating on me, however I am living in a divided world right now. I see both sides, and all I want is the chance to know the truth. Why if he is having an affair which I truly believe he is, does he want to keep me hanging. I asked him if the 6 months when we are not in a romatic relationship if this is was a bunch of crap. (Not in those words exactly)A veiled promise, he said I cried in your arms what do I need to prove to you that I want to be with you. I have been in therapy for the last 3 years, went to coda groups, took courses on addictions. So here you have an abused woman from birth to an 18 year marriage, and now my 8 year relationship I am so very confused. He promised me that he would never hurt me, he would tell me the truth and we would always be together. I have been in prayer for him for 3 years, and for myself. Sunday he is coming over to talk, he told me he would go to his office in harrisburg because he had an 8:30 meeting with staff, he has to get the night staff and the day staff togther and that is the best time, and told me he was going to stay there because he did not want to drive the 45 min. in the am, and he could get things done. I ask him where he was sleeping, he told me a couch in his office. There is no couch in his office. At this point I just want the truth. I am an incest suvivor, been through 10 years of various therapy, and I taught a class for women. I would not have gotten involved with him, but I trusted him, and gave him my heart and soul. I don't want to disbelieve, and I don't want to belive in a man (clergy) who's motive is more deception. What should I do to get him to speak with me, or what am I to do to find out the truth. This has been painful and I suffer from PTSD and when the sex addiction behaviors come up, I started to have very bad PTSD episodes. I was in the hospital for 5 days several weeks ago because all my emotions just slammed me. Not just him but car that broke down, illness, allegic reaction to spider bite, I get injections in my skull for nerve damage, financial issues, all this in one week and I lost it. I also lost the prescription coverage of my insurance, and I didn't have my meds for 4 days. I knew if I went in to the hospital I could get at least 2 weeks of meds. hoping to find drug companies that I could recieve free or low cost medication. So you see it was a tough week, however his coldness and concern and behaviors sent me over the top. Dr. J and Mr. H. What should I do, I only want the truth.

Move on. Eight years is more than enough.

Bottom Line: We often hold on too long, thinking the tiger will change his stripes. Ain't gonna happen.

 Dear Doc:
been married 42 years and husband always tells me i am not a wife. he says i am supposed to do everything he says. our marriage did not start out like this. we were partners until i went through menopause and he started drinking a lot. he also says a wife is supposed to put on something sexy(like victoria's secret) and always be ready for her husband. every night i am told how bad i am because i do not act like a wife. last night he told me if he said frog, i was supposed to jump.

How about you tell this guy to find a new home!

Bottom Line: He sounds insecure and totally insensitive, which is the opposite of what you need in your life.

 Dear Doc:
what is the clinical term or diagnosis for a person who talks to himself out loud on a consistant basis over a period of years? I am asking because I have a brother who is 35 now and he has been doing this since he was about 13 or 14 years old. Over the years he has gotten worse. He seems to have very little ability to control this behavior. I am very uncomfortable around him and I realize that something went very wrong in his life. I believe he is sick and needs help,but even though I have told him so, and other family members have urged him to get help he refuses to admitt that there is something wrong. He will not get help,and our parents have enabled him to live in this state of denial for years by allowing him to live with them,feed cloth,and shelter him. He has never left home and lived on his own,ever,and he has not worked in years. He did not finish high school,and I cannot get him to face the fact that he has to get help because our parents are in ill health and one day they will no longer be able to shelter him and allow him to continue denying that he is sick. He is going to end up homeless. I don't know what to do. I will be so greatfull for any advice. I believe this is a crisis and he needs intervention and assessement.

How about you tell this guy to find a new home!

Bottom Line: He sounds insecure and totally insensitive, which is the opposite of what you need in your life.

 Dear Doc:
I always knew my husdband of 5 years looked at internet porn occassionly which is okay. Lately I've been checking how often, It's EVERY time my son and myself leave the house. It has made me feel very insecure about myself. I confronted him about it. He laughed the whole conversation, said I have phycological issues, and put a blocker on the computer so I can't get on and check. Being a rape victim as a teenager and have had eating disorders I am amazed that he laughs at my feelings about this. About the blocker on the computer he says "what I don't know won't hurt me" Any advise please.

How about you tell this guy to find a new home!

Bottom Line: He sounds insecure and totally insensitive, which is the opposite of what you need in your life.

 Dear Doc:
My niece was dating a boy and her mom and dad just thought the world of him. Well, my niece decided she did not like the boy anymore and her mom is actually "punishing her" for breaking up with him. Help! Lost in my world of love,

That is terrible indeed. Unfortunately, I assume you have no power in this situation, other than to be supportive of your niece's decision.

Bottom Line: Nothing is harder than being powerless in a situation where it seems so obvious that we can do a better job.

 Dear Doc:
My ex husband was extremely abusive for years to me. Both mentally and physically. and I have been divorced from him 4 years. Neither one of us has remarried, yet there are times where I find myself wanting him back in my life. Why do I still cry and feel the need to want him back, when he was so dustructful to our marriage, and to my own soul.? I cant seem to stop loving him. I have been in extreme counseling with other women that have been through the same situation, which has really helped me realize that I am a person with dreams and goals too..Yet there are still moments when I cry and want him back? Lost in my world of love,

Hopefully your therapy group helps you see your sick side, which allows you to consider being with someone who is unhealthy and dangerous. You're probably crying over the loss of your dream of how your love-life might have been.

Bottom Line: Give it up. Move on. Not all men are sick. Be healthy, and you will attract health.

 Dear Doc:
My oldest son is 24 and for the past 6 months has decided that he wants to disown me after a fight we had. He was living with me and my youngest son, not able to get a job for a long time and not helping around the house. I wasn't able to find steady work struggling to make ends meet. When he got a job and had money, was reluctant to help out. He has had an anger problem for several years and we have had arguements escalate before where I fear his actions. I told him finally to leave when he spit in my face and told me I wasn't his mother anymore. Since then I have tried to talk to him a couple of times, the last was a couple of months ago. He told me that he did not see any point to trying to work anything out or try to make an effort for us to have any contact, that there is no reason to. With today being Mothers Day, I am extremely hurt. I can't imagine anyone, especially my son being so cold hearted to treat someone this way and certainly didn't raise him to be like this. His father and I have been divorced for 12 years. I have never received any moral support by his father in raising our sons and have always had deep concerns that they would grow up thinking they could treat women the same as their Dad did with me, since he showed his real side through our breakup. My youngest son is not at all like this and has been a great sense of support to me during this period. My son has done things in the past that has been almost as hurtful. When he came around I always had open arms but want to break this cycle for good, for him to know that I can't deal with this behavior any more. I'm concerned as to how to handle if and when he decides to let go of what he's holding on to. I don't want to reject him but I don't want him to think he can go on treating me this way when he gets mad.

Stick to your guns, and don't allow him to be around if his behavior is unacceptable. He probably has more of his father's genetics than you'd like to admit.

Bottom Line: You can't change him. Protect yourself. If life won't educate him for the better, at least you will have made yourself safe.

 Dear Doc:
My 17 year old son is becoming a habitual liar ... I don't know why - he lies all the time not just when he is in trouble ... I think sometimes he even believes his lies - I want to talk to him about the dangers of lieing and I need some inspirational thoughts - I really want to make him look in the mirror, realize what he is doing, and become honest with himself. Help....

Let's hope he's not a pathologial liar. That's someone who can't stop themselves, even if their lieing is hurtful to them. Also, teens sometimes do irrationally crazy things, just because they can, in the name of rebellion. This almost always passes as a result of negative consequences.

Bottom Line: At 17 we cannot make our kids do much of anything. You can tell him of your concerns, and warn him of the consequences of his behavior, but he will have to learn from the school of hard knocks that lieing doesn't pay in the long run.

 Dear Doc:
MY HUSBAND IS BIPOLAR AND TERRIBLY ABUSED AS A CHILD. I DID NOT KNOW THIS UNTIL AFTER I MARRIED HIM. WE ARE ABOUT THE SAME AGE I AM 40 AND HE IS 41. I MYSELF GREW UP IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY THEREFORE I KNOW NOW WHY I AM SO ATTRACTED. PLEASE HELP ME. IT GETS DEEPER BY THE MINUTE. HE IS TERRIBLY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE.

He had better get some serious help asap, or you had better leave. Unfortunately, he probably won't want to get help. If he'll go, go with him.

Bottom Line: Learn from your dysfunctional past, and set up strong healthy boundaries. If they are violated, you have to separate, for your sanity and safety.

 Dear Doc:
We have been married for 5 years and together for 10. Last year I realized he was cheating on me and I confronted him on numerous occassions to end it with this other woman if he loved me so much. We finally at the end of the year I decided I was not going to go into this year living my life like I did last year, IN DENIAL! Well I called her and confronted her and him. He denined at first and then admitted to the affair. It had been going on longer than I even thought. It had been going on for two years. Then he decided he needed to figure out what he wanted. I was in agreement so finally after 4 months of trying to figure things out I moved out. I thought this would give him time and myself some time to think about things. Well come to find out he is still lying to me about her. He just went to visit her and told me he was on a work trip. I called him and his phone was off of course. So I feel like we are back to square one again. Why can't I just let go and divorce this man. I want to trust him and believe he is really trying to figure things out, but why continue to lie to me. Just tell me the truth and let hit hurt. It would hurt a lot less than me finding out he is lying to me again! I don't know what to do. Should I just cut the strings and divorce him or continue to let him try to decide what he wants? IT has been 6 months now, I think he should have something figured out by now. He can't still sleep with me and her too.

Denial is a river in Egypt, that you will only drown in. Put your feet on dry land and get the hell out of Dodge asap!

Bottom Line: If he wants you, he will come get you after you've left. However, you may well be better off without ever having this type of man in your life ever again.

 Dear Doc:
I am a 30yr old working, single mom, with a 10 year old. I'm starting to feel like my son is going through alot. He's not interested in any sports, and he seems to have a low self esteem and low confidence. My boyfriend of 5 years lives with us as well. He's not experienced in raising kids, but him having been a boy at one point in his life, I talk to him about these things. My boyfriend likes to assure me that it's just a "growing Boy" thing and there's really nothing to worry about. It makes me feel better to hear that, but there's still that uncertainty of whether or not I had something to do with the way he is now. My son has always been the happy kid in the bunch. He has lots of close cousins and he falls in the middle-age catagory. He gets along with all the kids, and he's very helpful with the little ones. It's only been recently that this attitude really started coming out. Tell me, should I really be worried about this "new" personality my son has developed or should I just wait and see if it passes??

This sounds pretty normal. He's a little young for puberty, but boys go through significant mood changes as they develop. There's no doubt that insecurities can be a part of that package.

Bottom Line: I would ride this one out. Because adolescence is so challenging, it may get worse before it gets better, but that doesn't mean he is abnormal.

 Dear Doc:
I am 41 and my wife is 26 and we have been in our marriage for 3 years and one day she decided to walk out and get her a apartment and decide that she did not want to be married anymore. I thought that we really enjoyed each other and we got along very well, that is until the month leading up to our seperation. I was there while she got her first degree supporting her in every way i could but as time went by and we decided that i needed to go back and finish getting my degree things started to go down hill. we decided that i should quit one of my jobs to finish quicker and that meant that she had to pay more bills and it seemed as time went on she got tired of it and that is when things started to change. She started hanging out with her friends more and coming home when she got ready. I also went out with my friends. Things really went astray. We both admitted that we both had affairs and i told her i could forgive her and try and move past this but she did not want to stop, so i turned myself over to god and right know he brought me through a lot of hard times but i find myself missing her and wanting to tell her that i love her and want try and rekindle our marriage but i dont want to be rejected again. Can you give some advice on this hole situation.

You've got a big problem for sure. If she doesn't want to be with you, there is little that you can do. Your efforts may be too little too late.

Bottom Line: Be the best person you can be. If she doesn't come around, move on to something better.

 Dear Doc:
I am 52 and am in a super relationship for the past 8 mths. he is 56. We have known each other for 4 years. Our sex life is fabulos. However, we make love twice a day and that is not moderate yet we are both extreemly happy and very much in love. We also lead full lives and enjoy both our families.We are thinking "marriage. Do you think 2xs a day is not healthy considering our ages?

Most people would die to have your problem. It is said to be good for your physical health, and should also help your mental health.

Bottom Line: As the newness wears off, your frequency should subside. Enjoy it while it lasts!

 Dear Doc:
I believe my daughter is a sociopath and I would loke to know if there is a treatment. She has 3 children and they are being affected my her moods and actions, as well as the rest of her family. Please let me know if there is any hope for her.

If she refuses help, there is very little hope.

Bottom Line: This is one of the toughest types of problems to deal with, and typically ruins the lives of other family members.

 Dear Doc:
A few months ago I found out my husband has been looking at porn. We talked about it and I understand why he does it. But recently I found pictures of my sister's face superimposed on female porn stars' bodies. I was furious and we had it out. He swore it was a one time thing and it would never happen again. A couple of weeks ago I found a half naked picture of my sister in with his porn magazines. I know he didn't take the picture because I know where it came from. I am devastated. WE talked about it and I said I forgave him but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know what to do; we've been married 10 years and have kids. I love him but I hate the way I feel. What is your advice?

You would do well to go and talk with a professional.

Bottom Line: And he should go with you. This problem is probably larger than you'd like to admit.

 Dear Doc:
LAST YEAR MY HUSBAND OF 14 YEARS HAD AN AFFAIR. HE ENDED IT BEFORE I FOUND OUT. I FOUND OUT LATER THAT YEAR. HE HAS BEGGED FOR MY FORGIVENESS AND SAID THAT HE WANTED TO STAY IN OUR MARRIAGE. I WANT THE SAME THING, BUT I CAN NOT SEEM TO GET THE THOUGHTS OF THE PAST OUT OF MY MIND AND I THINK IT IS PUTTING A STRAIN ON OUR MARRIAGE NOW. I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE HIM. HOW CAN I DEAL WITH ALL OF THE PAIN AND INSECURITIES?

This can be one of the toughest things to overcome, but it can be done. This is a very common occurance in marriage, so fortunately there are sources of help.

Bottom Line: Read some of the many books on the subject, join a support group, or spend some time in therapy, and you will make progress.

 Dear Doc:
I have this out of control desire to look at porn on the internet. Much of my job is sitting at the computer. And since I work for myself, there's really no one to stop me. Through out the day I may look at naked women several times. There are so many sites and there is one that I go to often that directs me to a huge amount of pictures. It seems like there are naked women doing crazy things everywhere. Today is not the first time that my has caught me looking at porn in my office. It hurts her and I feel like a total bastard about it. I feel like I'm addicted to looking at it. I don't seem to have the same sexual relationship with my wife. We rarely have sex anymore. I feel a lot of issues and this is one of them. I mean the shame of looking at porn and hurting my wife's feelings. I know it seems like a simple thing to stop doing and that's what I keep telling myself. And some how I will go for a few days and end right back at the same free porn sites. Often it's not because I want to masterbate right then and there but just because I want to look at it. I know many other married men are out there looking at it too. What are some of your thoughts on this.

It often is an addiction. You may need to join a 12-step program for this type of problem. The most typical is called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Any AA group can help you locate the local meetings. Another option would be to find a therapist to help you with your problem. What would not be healthy is for you to deny the problem, keep it to yourself, and try to conquer it by yourself. Obviously that hasn't worked so far, so there's no reason to think it will be working today or tomorrow.

Bottom Line: Sex is a good part of our lives. But like everything else, it is healthiest when it is enjoyed in moderation and with the right people.

 Dear Doc:
I am 38 and my husband is 37 we have been married 10 months and have not had sex since our honeymoon. He has diabetes and takes medication. Earlier on the doctors said his testostornne was low but then a month later they said it was normal again. The one time we have tried he could not keep an erection. he has been given viagra and now has a perscription for livetra which he has not had filled. The only physical contact between us is iniated by myself. He says he is working on the problem . What can I do to help.

So was sex good before the marriage?? This doesn't sound good. This is a shared problem, not just his.

Bottom Line: Ask him to go to therapy, and join him as needed.

 Dear Doc:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. I feel like he has some emotional issues. Shortly after we started dating, he told me that he had an inappropriate sexual contact with his half sister when he was 15 and she was 3, his parents found out and he went to counseling but he felt it was never resolved. He was told by his mother that there was suspicion that he was molested by a neighbor boy but he has no real recollection of the incidence. Of course, this alarmed me. He also has real issues with letting go of the past and until recently, he was still talking to his ex girlfriends on the internet and saying inappropriate things. After talking to him about it, he told me that hearing there responses made him feel good about himself. He was basically doing it to seek attention/compliments from them. I told him, it was her or me. He stopped talking to her but feels very bad about "letting her down" What do i do????? I'm very confused. He is very loving and gives very much to my life but these things concern me.

Do not proceed with him if he is not willing to enjoy therapy for a long time.

Bottom Line: These problems have to be taken seriously and addressed now, or they will come back to haunt the relationship until they crush it.

 Dear Doc:
i have a six year old little boy who is having a lot of problems in school. we are working on his behavior but i cant help but feel that the schools with zero tolerance is also partially to blame . it sets a negative atmosphere in my opinion. i teach my kids that they are responsable for their actions but everyone makes mistakes thats how we learn . he no longer wants to go to school because he knows he is going to get in trouble. im trying to teach him to behave but he is hyper and we are in the process of trying to get him help and the school knows this. i dont want him on meds if at all possible and thy know this . i prefer diet and counseling for right now because he is so young. i guess what i'm saying is i feel the school is trying to force a form of treatment to meake their lives easier even at the cost of my son and they are going to keep punishing him until i do what thet want. he got sent home today for hitting a girl he says he patted her on the shoulder to get her attention. its always something like that. thank you for luistening

You are probably powerless at the school.

Bottom Line: It looks like it's time to find a new school, that has a more creative apporach.

 Dear Doc:
My husband has a bad temper. He yells at me, (swears, screams, etc) in front of our 3 year old daughter. He says that it is my fault that he yells at me. For instance, this morning he woke up our daughter by shouting, "Wake Up!" I couldn't believe my ears. I thought to myself, what a horrible way to wake your own child. When he was alone again, I told him in a calm and empathetic way, "How would you like it if I woke you up like that? You would have been so angry and upset with me. No one wants to be yelled at like that." He proceeded to lose his temper. He screamed, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you have to fu#*ing repremand me about how I deal with our daughter. I am so fu*!ing sick and tired of you repremanding me. I left my mom's house for a reason, I don't need you to be my mother. What the Fu@k is wrong with you?" I walked away and begged him not to yell in front of our daughter, that I did not yell at him. He unleashes this type of behavior toward me whenever I disagree with him about how he treats our daughter. I know this will scar our child if he keeps yelling like this in front of her. He thinks that he has every right to behave this way. What should I do?

You are with a very troubled person.

Bottom Line: You need to consider moving on without him, because the chances of him changing are slim and none.

 Dear Doc:
my so called boyfiend David Lies, Cheats and is heartless, He has no respect for a persons feelings,We started seeing each other a year ago, He convinced everyone he had a heart and kept persueing me,All my friends convinced me he was a good man, Yeah for about 3 months then the old David resurfaced, He begsn working in Miami where he started seeing Maria a latino woman, Funny he doesn't like latino, He brang her to Panama city to live in his home, A few weeks later he started coming back to me, She went back to Miami He said they were finished, We had a big fight on a wendesday he went back and brang her here again, Next day he was back at my house, Needless to say he has hurt both of us, Devestated is more like it, He has a sense of no feelings very cold hearted what is his problem? He actually thought he could have sev with both of us without her finding out,

So the answer is plain to see, right??

Bottom Line: If you don't walk away from someone like this, you'll be stuck in a bad life for years to come.

 Dear Doc:
My girlfriend of 1.5 years has just told me she has herpes. Hid it from me all this time. First of all I love her, but can I get over the deceite and trust her again? Should I even try? Should we seperate for a while to see if I really want to stay with her? Second, I do not have herpes, and dont know if I want to get it. Knowing there are ways to have safe sex, but I have a strong chance of contracting.

Why would you want to hang out with someone who consistently lied to you for 18 months? Getting away from her for awhile sounds darn sensible.

Bottom Line: Your life would be a lot simpler if you developed a relationship with someone where you didn't have to worry about contracting a life-time illness every day.

 Dear Doc:
i was in a loveless marriage of 18 years had an affair left my wife for the other women. i have a child 11 years old from my first marriage i am now divorced, my child refuses to sleep over or accept my new wife and new life,my new wife wanted dearly to have a relationship with my son from the begining but he wouldnt and i wouldnt force him. now ten months later i want to try to introduce him to my wife whom he has met but there were always call backs from my ex wife about not treating him right or being over protective, every time he would come over there were problems, he has never slept here and refuses to. now my wife doesnt want to have a relationship with him because it has been so long , i usually see him alone twice a week and take him for supper. i love my wife very much and she loves me too but wont give in to this what do i do ? just continuing seeing him alone or try to convince my wife she can have a relationship with him too . she has two girls 12 that live with us most of the time but they do sleep at there dads, but mine just comes over and i return him home to his moms.i just want all of us to get along and be like a family but my wife says it is too late and to long that i have waited to push my son to come here.

It looks like it may be too little too late. Continue seeing him. Give him a choice. Hopefully, if yours is a good place for him, he will choose to be with you over the long haul.

Bottom Line: Try redefining your family in a new way. The old way isn't doing you or your family any favors.

 Dear Doc:
I was separated from my husband for 3 years. We now have decided to get back together. He has many issues that relate to sexual abuse that occured when he was a child. I've gone through alot of counseling and have decided to give him another chance. I do love him. He loves me. Will this reunion last?

Probably not. As the song says: "what's love got to do with it?" Feelings of love are relatively easy, compared to dealing with our inner demons of abuse. If he hasn't been in therapy as long as you, you're asking for trouble.

Bottom Line: If your therapy is good, it has taught you to have healthy boundaries, and to not be with someone who isn't dedicating their own life to getting themself back together.

 Dear Doc:
My exwife want to reconcile and have a relationship at this present time. She has apologized to me and has explained that the break up was not my fault. We have two girls, one three the other five who I love dearly by did not have a consistant father to daughter relationship over the last two to three years because of constraint of visitaion and me just believing that things were my fault. At one time I thought about reconciliation, but thought that becoming friends would be best first. We did spend time with each other to get a feel for what was different. Because of the friend comment by me, things have changed a bit. I can speak to the girls by phone, but not really get to see them. I probably have seen them more in the last 4 months, than in the last 2 years. She does have issues with me along with the friend comment. I feel weary and uneasy around her. She has said that she loves me, but has not said she is in love with me. I have questions because she has got better with attitude but I don't trust her intensions.

Sounds like you had better proceed with caution. Hopefully, she won't use your children as a pawn to get to you. If she does, that's a sure sign that you shouldn't go back. There's no reason why you can't be great friends while both focusing on the welfare of your children. Some couples get along better when there isn't a marriage to muddy the waters.

Bottom Line: It's important for you to try to understand what she really wants. Does she want to be with you because of love, or does she want your financial backing, etc.

 Dear Doc:
I am in love with a married man..... I know the obvious solution to the situation but I've never felt this way about someone before....what do I do?

Part of the answer probably rests on what he will do. If he is going to stay married, then you have to decide if you want to be a mistress, and if that is enough for you.

Bottom Line: It's complicated when love doesn't arrive in a neat package. Even if this one dies, maybe you have learned some things that will lead you to greater love down the road.

 Dear Doc:
I am a long distant non custodial mom of a almost 15 yr old daughter...who doesn't want to come for visitation anymore...that tells me it's her choice...she can make her own decisions now. She also has a father that is loving this...meaning he places no value or importance on her having a relationship with me. My heart is broke, and I don't know what to do anymore. Being 10 hrs away...I can't make her get on the plane...and dad sure won't...his attitude is...she doesn't want to come...and I'm not going to force her to.

Regardless of whether dad is good or evil, she is usually correct. At her age a judge will allow her to make her own decision. Keep loving her, and being a great parent. It may take years, but some day she will realize how much you care, and will then draw closer to you than she's ever been.

Bottom Line: If dad is the dark side, she will figure that out also, over the long haul.

 Dear Doc:
I am confronted with a situation that is perplexing me. I am a male homosexual and I have a married man flirting and paying a great deal of attention to me. I have not provoked the man to do so. Now, his wife, who was in the past a pretty good friend, is treating me cold, vendictive and distant for no reason what do I do in this case. I'm about to be come angry with her since I have done nothing to be treated badly.

Speak to both of them directly at the same time, and tell them that he is the problem, not you. If she wants to be angry with anyone, it should be him.

Bottom Line: If that doesn't work, then they weren't very good friends in the first place, and you should move on without them.

 Dear Doc:
me and my girlfriend were goin out for about a year and all of a sudden she broke it off. i asked her why and at first she just sat there and dodn't answer. then she said she just doesn't want a boyfriend right now. she said i was a great bf and always nice and didn't do anything wrong and she loved me very much. and 2 days before she did it we were fine and everything was normal. and after we broke up she still kissed me a few times and acted like we were goin out. i just don't know why she would do this all of a sudden and without like a good reason. any suggestions? and what should i do now? thank you.

There's almost always a reason, and it's usually because she has met someone else. It sounds like she doesn't want to hurt you, so she's only telling you half of what's going on.

Bottom Line: Regardless, don't waste your energy fighting for someone who wants to run the other way. Think well of yourself, and that you deserve better. Go forward to meet new and better people.

 Dear Doc:
I would like to put the past behind (my old relationship) but ghosts keep coming back - as this is a closed community. I keep running into his family, friends... I don't want to move or run away, but seems that I can't embrace my current life or keep positive about future. I always question past and decisions I made. I moved on, but I noticed I am much sadder and less sure about my self since break-up (one and a half years ago). How to be positive about future?

For your own well-being, you may have to move up and out.

Bottom Line: However, if you feel you made a mistake by breaking up, put your pride aside, and go rekindle the relationship.

 Dear Doc:
My fifteen year old son is dating a sixteen yr.old girl. She is manipulating and controlling. She threatens to break off with him if he sees his boy friends. After being on the phone for an hour if we tell him to get off the phone she threatens to break off with him if he hangs up. These are just a couple of examples of her behaviour. He thinks he won't get another girl friend if he breaks off with her. They are having sex and we feel this is what is keeping him with her. It is not healthy for him. She is diminishing his self esteem. This has been going on for a year and we are at our wits end. Please give us some suggestions on how to open his eyes to her behaviour.

Unfortunately, 15 year old boys rarely listen to their parents! I remember thinking, at 15, that my parents were the most clueless and ignorant people on the planet. It surely sounds like this is bad for him. All you can do is warn him... and then get out of the way while he probably only learns from the school of hard knocks any way.

Bottom Line: When he falls, the good news is that you will be there to catch him!

 Dear Doc:
my boyfriends family hates me!! It breaks my heart because I love him very much and I know I will never be accepted into his family.. I do not want to let them control my relationship by making me feel ousted and thus should be without. My boyfriend does not want us to part ways.. He wants to be with me also. and has told his family ... but they want him to "break free".... The reason for their viewpoint is my boyfriend made the mistake of going over to his family and telling them about a fight we had.. He was in pain and wanted to vent... Well.. now I am the bad guy.. He tries to explain that it takes two to tango.. but they dont want to listen.. They just want me out of his life.. We are in our 30's we are not children. but he is close to his family.. I feel in the future this will be hard to deal with because Holidays I wont be invited over.. and if i am.. I will feel soo uncomfortable.. whats the point in going?? Please help me with this.. we love eachother and want eachother.. but why do I feel so hurt and betrayed by his family.. all I wanted was to be a part.. and Im so far apart now... thanks for advice...

This doesn't look good. Typically it's up to him to commit to you, and let his family make their choice. Do not force him to do this. It has to be his choice.

Bottom Line: But if he can't choose you within a reasonable period of time, you'd better move on, because otherwise you are just walking into an ongoing hell.

 Dear Doc:
My brother was recently involved in a fatal car accident. He was the driver of a car that hit another car and killed one of the occupants. My brother was drinking and was over the legal limit, but it appears that the other car pulled out in front of my brother. My brother feels a deep sense of guilt, and recently went and saw a therapist. This therapist told my brother that he was at fault, that he would be felon, and probably would not get a job in his chosen field (teaching) and would end up only being able to get a low income, low skill job. This just further depressed my brother. Is this a proper therapy technique? I thought that therapists, psycologists, and psychiatrists were supposed to be non-judgemental. Please let me know.

First of all, does she want your help? Is so, then find her a competent marriage counselor asap.

Bottom Line: Success is not likely for this couple, because it sounds like he made his decision long ago (consciously or subconsciously) to choose his sons over her.

 Dear Doc:
My best friend is married to a man that has three older sons from a previous marriage. They are rebelling against this and now the couple are seperated. This has gone on for three years now. They have been married ten years. How can I help my friend? Neither want a divorce. He is torn between his sons and wife.

First of all, does she want your help? Is so, then find her a competent marriage counselor asap.

Bottom Line: Success is not likely for this couple, because it sounds like he made his decision long ago (consciously or subconsciously) to choose his sons over her.

 Dear Doc:
I'm in the process of getting a devorce and seeking advise on the process of filing for one. I've been married for about 8+ years and separated for about 2 years now. I feel it's time to legalize this devorce. My ex-wife does not work at this moment. She is about to graduate from college within this year. We have two wonderful boys ages 3 and 8. I have the kids on the weekends due to my work hours and she has them during the weekdays. We both agree that we don't need anything from each other, it's pretty much what she has is hers and what i have is mine. We are not looking to get at each others throats and make it ugly. At this moment im paying for my kids schooling and we both agre as soon as she graduates she'll be paying half of the expenses. In the near future she is planning to move. My question is, what is my rights in regards to custody or visitation rights since im at work during the weekdays. Will she get full custody of my kids? Basically im clueless on my rights as a father filling for a devorce. Your reply would really help.

This is, of course, a truly huge question and can apply to physical, sexual, emotional abuse, etc. However, yours is an important question, because people often don't know that a person has been abused, or think that they should just be "over it" by now. In truth, abuse usually leave scars that last a lifetime, and affect every move the person makes, following the abuse. It usually takes many years of hard work in therapy to right their emotional ship.

Bottom Line: In a word, when an individual's personal boundaries are violated, they are knocked off their emotional center, and choose (consciously or subconsciously) unhealthy ways to try to stabilize themselves. This can lead to dozens of unhealthy lifestyle choices.

 Dear Doc:
how can child abuse lead to physical, mental, emotional scars?

This is, of course, a truly huge question and can apply to physical, sexual, emotional abuse, etc. However, yours is an important question, because people often don't know that a person has been abused, or think that they should just be "over it" by now. In truth, abuse usually leave scars that last a lifetime, and affect every move the person makes, following the abuse. It usually takes many years of hard work in therapy to right their emotional ship.

Bottom Line: In a word, when an individual's personal boundaries are violated, they are knocked off their emotional center, and choose (consciously or subconsciously) unhealthy ways to try to stabilize themselves. This can lead to dozens of unhealthy lifestyle choices.

 Dear Doc:
Is it true that a child will have more mental problems with a gay parent then a straight parent?

No. There are plenty of emotionally balanced people who had a gay parent. Just as there are plenty of emotionally unbalanced people who had a straight parent.

Bottom Line: Being balanced has more to do with the quality of parenting you receive, rather than whether your parent is gay or straight.

 Dear Doc:
I'm 27, and was involved with a guy for 10 months 3-4 years ago. I was very much in love, and felt a deep connection with him. While I was preparing move away for more college (uncertain about our future, but not wanting to break up), he was unable to cope emotionally and revealed he'd been hiding a cocaine addiction. He also changed suddenly and became rageful/abusive towards me. In the end, I left without saying good-bye/completely cutting off any possibility of communication because I was afraid for my safety. Over the years, I have been to therapy, dated other men, and have processed a *lot* of my experience. I am definitely in a better place than 3 ys. ago. I have tried really hard to do all the "right" things. The problem is, as I've looked deeper inside myself, I still love him. No one I've met since has come close to that intimacy/connection I felt with him. In spite of myself, I'm not sure my heart is capable of falling in love again/being open to someone new until I have some closure. When I left, I was still in love and in a state of disbelief because he had so suddenly changed. I needed to leave before seeing enough to know deep down it was over. Also, the area I was living in was very dear to my heart; a lot of good friends, the first/only place I really blossomed/found myself. So my love for him could be tied up in my overall wonderful experience in that area. When I left him, I felt like he *had* taken my life, because I had to leave this idyllic life behind (because of him, not freely). Even though I've been away, part of me has still been "living there." I very much want to move back to that area, and find my closure. I need to see to believe that a) he's messed up, forget it, I finally know there's no hope (a friendship is OK), or b)he's truly regretful, been to rehab, there's hope or c)?. If I move back, confront my fears and feel a sense of reclaiming my life, my heart would be much more open to the possibility new love. Yet, I very much would love to see him in a better place, having worked through his baggage, and have the 2 of us at least be able to reconnect/understand the person better. But I know this may not be the case. Because of the depth of our connection and his threatening me for leaving, I was afraid that the "monster" I saw in him would become more permanent after leaving and he'd be in *really* bad shape. It's tough to feel partially responsible for the potential self-destruction of someone you love. Do I make sense? Am I nuts? Over the years, well-meaning friends (who haven't met him) have been very concerned I'd go back to him. They've been very emphatic about safety/relationship concerns (and I was afraid also/followed teh advice), but my quality of life has been miserable without the closure/loss of my home. I don't want to live miserably anymore, I need to return to that area. But how do I handle my feelings for him, while reclaiming my sense of safety?

You need to go back, so that you can write the last chapter of the book.

Bottom Line: You are much more empowered now. Cover your bases with family and friends, and you will no doubt answer your questions while finding a greater sense of strength and safety.

 Dear Doc:
I have been married for 26 years, there have been two instances in which my husband has become friends with other women he says that they are just friend. it hurt our marriage. He desires attetion of other women I cannot understand this. The women that he has become friends with are very worldly women and I found out later that a friend of mine set him up with these women he and i did not know this. He says he loves talking with other women Please Help!

Sorry to say it, but you had better get use to it not changing. I'm assuming that after 26 years he's not working on changing it.

Bottom Line: If you can't accept how it is, you either have to walk away, or discover a way that changes in you will reduce his interest in others. However, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for your changes to change him.

 Dear Doc:
I'm in a new relationship and living with a man that has already asked me to marry him after six months. He's addicted to looking at porn sites and has a fetish about big breast. However, he doesn't touch me and we hardly have sex. He seems to have a some issues from his child hood that I know he's supressiing He was physically and emotionally abused as a child. I know this is a lot, but how can I get him more focused on me? He's a great guy, very devoted, funny and we get along great, but there's just nothing there intimately. Help?

Don't you dare say yes to marriage!! You are suffering from what is sometimes referred to as "stink'n think'n." That is, you are irrationally holding on to the impossible. This guy has huge issues that would probably take years of therapy to repair. He will never be able to focus on you until he works through his own issues (which I'm guessing he is unwilling to do).

Bottom Line: Without intimacy, this relationship is dead in the water. The truth may hurt, but it can also set you free over the long haul.

 Dear Doc:
I am a 40 year old divorced woman. Over three years ago I started a new relationship and decided to move in with him. It was a little rocky in the beginning. I began to notice little things. He would get jelous easily. Didn't like me to wear certain cloths when he wasn't with me. I found him to be a perfectionist therefore I started to change my behaviour. For instance always making sure that I would complete a task correctly by asking him if this is the way he wants it done. Could be cooking, right down to finding a space in a parking lot. Things always would escalate if we were to go out. Especially if drinking was involved. He would accuse me of acting like a tramp. A couple of times he told me to get out of his house.(in no polite terms.) This made me feel more and more insecure. His attitude even spilled over into my favouite sport. He is quite accomplished at it and would try to instruct me. I was actually quite good at it also. I found the more he tried to "make me better at it" the worse I got. My confidence has been completely taken away from me. He critisized everything that I did and would humiliate me in front of other people. Yelling and swearing at me. I would break down and tell him that his behaviour was unexceptable. He would just shrug it of and tell me that I wasn't tough enough or I didn't have a competitive bone in my body. Oh I forgot to tell you he has quite the temper. Although you probable deduced that on your own. It all came to a head last summer. We were at a function and he was drinking saw something he didn't like and started acting like a jerk. I had had it by this time and said that was it. He left the party we were at without me knowing. I stayed for a while longer and then came home. I did not go near him and laid down on the couch to sleep. He had been waiting for me and came into the room and grabed me by the neck. After it was all over he was the one looking like he had taken on the wrong girl. I realized that his anger and resentment was changing who I was I had never been physical with anyone in my life. I stayed for a while longer. You see there is always a wonderful honeymoon period after. Unfortunely that ends and things start over again. Only this time was concerned for my physical well being. I decided to move out. I made it very difficult for me to be able to move back and I am still have me own place. Although I have told you all the bad things about this man there were many things that I do love about him that is why I am here writing this letter. He has promised to make changes in his behaviour and I have seen some of them. We still get into little things but nothing like before. Bottom Line he wants me to move back in. I can not see this happening any time soon. When I think about it all those old fears come back. To top off everything my desire for him has fallen off and he defines a lot of the relationship with physical intimacy. just don't feel the same way. I find myself just not wanting to give into him. Although I enjoy spending time with him. Cuddling etc. I don't understand why I just don't let go, but I still love spending time with him. We can do many things together without problems. I guess I am just looking for a little insight from somebody else. What do you think? What questions do I have to ask myself to make sure that I make the correct decision to go back or to end it.

You can almost guarantee that the relationship will go to hell again if you move in with him.
Bottom Line: This is a very unhealthy relationship. But if you want it to continue, your only real chance is to maintain your independence by living on your own.

 Dear Doc:
Okay. Here is this sad crazy story. Met a younger guy (six years) and dated, he had two kids from a previous marriage and I have one. Long story short - his kids came to live with us one month after we got married because his ex-wife went to jail, he had not seen his kids in five years (they are six and eight), he is constantly angry with the kids, me, and life itself! He yells, slams doors, has long spells of silence, says hurtful things, hates everything, negative is his middle name, never speaks to me about problems only talks to his "best-friend" mother, (another long subject), can be good but turns bad, and this is just a brief discription. By the way the eldest child is mentally disabled from birth - he is very distructive. Mom says she wants to have the kids back after her short vacation, but who knows! My life has been turned up side down by these issues, I think of leaving all of the time, but something makes me stay. Oh just to add a little more drama, we now have a newborn. I really do not want another divorce, but I don't know if I can help this man with his emotional issues. And going to a therapist is out of the question - his "best friend" told him all of his life that people are nosey and so are doctors! He is hurtful with his mouth and hates everybody!!!!

Move out without divorcing him. If you didn't have a baby, you should be going away, and never looking back.

Bottom Line: Establish your independence, and try to take the relationship back to where it was before all the kids came over.

 Dear Doc:
I'm 33 yrs old and have been married for little over 13 yrs. We have two daughters who are very good natured (one is eight,the other is about to turn 13). I have been trying to find out online what I can do and where I need to start. My life seems to be such a jumbled mess and has been getting worse for about the past three-four yrs. You see my husband and I have had problems for a majority of our marriage. We dated for about seven months before we were married and things were great during that time and continued to be great for the first year into our marriage. After that we've for sure had our share of ups and downs. Family and friends tell us that all marriages go through those, its normal. Now, my family life before I met my husband was a bit on the screwed up side. But I guess I hid it very well. I had decided that my parents were not going to ruin my life, so I kept a very good attitude about things and people and life itself. I was very happy with who I was and the way I was. Even through the troubles that my husband and I have had, I had continued to stay positive. I could see and feel things about me changing in some areas of my life and knew it had to do with the troubles in my marriage. But all in all I still had a pretty good attitude and was still hopeful. Now in these past four-five yrs I've seen a big change in my attitude and my whole outlook on life, the way I handle things. Now I feel hopeless most of the time, I am very negative, I'm moody,no patience anymore, and I have a bit of a temper. Just to name a few. I guess my attitude started to change really bad when I started to feel hopeless about the marriage. You see, my husband stopped doing anything with us (Me or the kids). He rarely wants to go anywhere or do anything. Once in a blue moon,we will actually go somewhere. We hardly ever do have the money to do big things or be extravagant in what we do. But he says its hard to do things when we dont have the money (Family time and togetherness does not cost). I think that is in part an excuse. Usually the most he pays attention to the kids is when they have made a bad grade in school, or he's getting on to them for something like playing loudly, being in front of the t.v. etc. And the most attention I usually get is when he wants sex or hes hungry, etc. He works Mon.-Thurs.(ten hr days) and he goes to work and comes home and doesn't move from the couch watching t.v. or playing his ps2 or from the chair in front of the computer. Fri.-Sun he's off work and these two locations (couch and chair) is where he will be. And about the only sounds from him will be the kids in trouble, he's hungry, thirsty, or talking to himself or the games. unless the kids are in bed then he wants sex, and gets mad if he doesnt get it. I've tried to talk to him about these issues and many more that we have but I didnt cover. But I never get anywhere, because he seems to think that everything is ok and the problems we do have is normal. I still love him, but I can tell my feelings are changing toward him along with my attitude. And I can see that our daughters attitudes are changing. Can you give me any advice about the situation and how do I change my now negative attitude back to being positive again? I know that one is responsible for their own actions and attitude and such. But I have found it very difficult to not become bitter and angry. And I find myself blaming him for this attitude I have, because of his always complaining and yelling and gripping when something is not so-so or his t.v. or pc time is interupted. I feel more like we're just roommates or something. And I've been thinking alot lately if the kids and I wouldn't be better off if I just told him thats its over. Please help with any advice you can give. I really want my marriage to work but I can't do it alone and i'm just feeling really exhausted. Physically and mentally drained and stressed out all the time. Thank you so much for your time to read my very long story and in answering me back. It is greatly appreciated.

Unfortunately you belong to that popular yet undesireable club... the miserably married. Because of so many years of a bad relationship, you are now worn down. What you have gone through should never be regarded as normal and acceptable.

Bottom Line: It's time for you to get healthier, and relish the days ahead of you. You may need to leave with your kids. At least tell him that is your plan. If that won't cause him to participate in change with you, then walk out and never look back.

 Dear Doc:
I have been diagnosed with depression and given medication in the past. I think the meds definately helped but I have never been comfortable with therapy. I have seen 6 or 7 different therapists and feel they don't do a thing. Is it possible to be prescribed meds without the pain of therapy?

Usually yes. You need a physician to prescribe your meds, but it doesn't have to be a psychiatrist. If your regular doctor will fill your prescriptions, you should be good to go. You may need to go in once or twice a year to keep your doc up to speed on how you're doing.

Bottom Line: There are some psychiatrists who will only prescribe, with semi-annual visits. Most like it if you are seeing at least a non-md at the same time, but others will allow you to come to them just for meds.

 Dear Doc:
hi my mom is 38 and I`m 14! she hits me and tell me I`m a big mistake in her life and she hates me! she hits me in my face and tell a Lie to my dad every night and now he hates me aswell! ever sins my grandma moved in she is like the new child and that is when it all stared what can I do please help?

Go to your school, or the police, and tell them your story.

Bottom Line: They may remove you from your home, or they may require that the family be monitored while the family is required to go into therapy.

 Dear Doc:
To the individual who was diagnosed with a Brain tumor; you may want to refer them to a Brain Injury Association. They can assist with referring to support group and/or a mentor who has gone thru what they are experiencing right now. I work for an Association in MN and run a mentoring program that deals with similar questions all the time. Thank you Doc for All you do.

Thanks to YOU for helping!

Bottom Line: Working together, we can all do a lot of good in our world.

 Dear Doc:
Iwas diagnosed with a low-grade astrocytoma (brain tumor) about 13 yrs ago. I have not worked since then because of seizures. I do not have seizures all the time but altogether I have had 9 brain surgeries. I guess my question is that I come from a family of six children, and although I have never looked for attention from them I have never gotten it as well. I have been remarried now for seven years and I am the baby(so called) of the family. My family pretty much treats me with very little respect and beings that I try not to stir up trouble, I say nothing, but it hurts me deeply. Even now they will comment to me about not having a job, and how little I do with my life. I have two girls from a previous marriage that live with us full time and two step children from my marriage now. Please tell me how I can stop the comments when my sisters say things to me. I really so not talk to my brothers that much. Why can't they understand what I've been thru?

You cannot stop their comments. Maybe your family is very screwed up, and you have to accept that you are powerless to make them act more healthily.

Bottom Line: If it continues to bother you, and they won't change even after you've told them your feelings, move on without them. You can pick your friends, but not your family, so leave whomever is sick behind, and spend your life only with those from whom you receive suport.

 Dear Doc:
My husband doesn't want to do anything with me outside of our bedroom but he always has something to do with his friends and then braggs about the places he goes and the people and girls he meets there is even a young trap who live around the corner from our house that my kids seen stop in front of my house and waved to my husband and they said he was smiling and waved back then lied to me about. what do I do because I do love him we have been together going on 15 years and we have four kids.

It sounds like you are being treated like a second-class citizen. You are being taken advantage of, so you need to stand up for your rights. Even if you love someone, it is foolish to let them walk all over you. This type of mistreater doesn't deserve your love, and your children will be messed up if they grow up around a chauvanistic dad.

Bottom Line: Get family and friends behind you, and then tell him that things are going to change, and that you won't tolerate his male-dominant treatment. If he won't change, you have to be brave enough to move out (otherwise there is no CHANCE for change).

 Dear Doc:
my parents are trying to prevent me from moving out and I am 19, can they do that?

As far as I have heard, every person is an adult at 18, and can do as they wish.

Bottom Line: Consult an attorney, then exercise your rights!

 Dear Doc:
I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of years ago because something about the relationship made me uncomfortable, as he always seemed very angry and blamed others for all his problems. However, he never stopped calling for about two years and told me that he loved me and really cared about me. So, I started dating him again about a year ago. It has been terrible and it got worse and worse. He started calling me and ranting and blaming me for why he has been sick (he ruined his sinus cavities, I think from drugs he used in law school) and when I tried to speak in reply, he would hang up the phone. On several occasions, the ranting and the hanging up happened late at night for a few hours. I distanced myself from him and refused to see him when he was in these states of mind, however, I was worried as well so I answered the phone. Lately, he had been asking me to "help" him by getting him groceries (he missed several days of work) and he always buys a ton of motorcycle parts on ebay and wanted me to come over there to help him carry them up the stairs to his apartment. I am just feeling really sick. On Valentine's Day, he called to say he decided he did not like me after all, that we just did not get along, and would I like to go to dinner so he could explain why!! I did not go and said not to call, but he's STILL called several times and emailed me. He works three doors down at work and I got emails at work and was upset by them so I mentioned it to my boss. They already talked to him once because he came in my office saying the "f" word really loud when I did not immediately answer one of his emails once. I think he lied to them about me or something because all they did was talk to him and tell him to stop. Also, he lives 7/10 of a mile from me and used to come over unannounced. He also would call and be very rageful if I was vacuuming, etc. and did not pick up the phone. Any advice on how to escape from this? I've set up an appointment with a counselor but in the meantime am struggling to understand why he did all this. Also, he promised for 7 months to see a counselor and he lied because he did not do it (excuses). When all the craziness wasn't happening, I talked to him quite a bit and confided in him (he was quite charming and smart) so I'm also very sad about this.

Your safety is probably at risk. This sounds like a very troubled individual, who could physically harm you. File a complaint with the police today! Create a public record of his harrassment. Do not befriend him. Say "no," and stick to your guns!

Bottom Line: Get a restraining order asap, and never look back! If need be, move away, and don't let him know where you are going.

 Dear Doc:
I have been in a relationship with a man for 3yrs. He is 36 and I am 45. I met him on a website. We decieded to be in a monogamous relationship after a year. Only, we still keep his webpage (stating single) and frequents it often. In the past year he has setup two more pages that I have stumbled across. What concerns me is this. I found a webpage that with he setup (and I have proof its his) with a picture of his penis. On this site abuse of the site, such as offensive images can be reported. I reported the page and it was shut down. Too my surprise he altered the name a little setup another page. This is the fourth time. Each time I report it, he setups one up. On this site, people can send you 'notes' or comments about the page. Is this some type of sexual addiction? I have sent him notes tellng him that I know its him but he doesnt reply. I have tried to talk about his time spent online (hours) giving that unattached guy image. Know I find that I am the addict. I find myself watching him. Can you offer any suggestions?

This sure doesn't sound like a monogamous relationship. His mistress is his website, and yes, this smells like addictive behavior.

Bottom Line: The healthiest thing would be for you to move on to something better, with someone who might actually be honest!

 Dear Doc:
I'm 27 and currently in a 1 year relationship with a very kind guy that I find very attractive. I feel that a time is coming when I would really like to settle down and have kids. However, I am not sure if he is the right guy. He is not professionally accomplished and sometimes leaves jobs to just not do anything. He sometimes get into his lazy and depressed moods. And he is only 29 - how will he be when he's 35? He wants to help around the house, but I am not sure if I could rely on him as provider of the family. What should I do?

It sounds like you may need to move on from him. Tell him everything you've said here, and see if it makes any real difference in the next three months.

Bottom Line: If things don't significantly change by then, they probably won't ever change much. If so, pack your bags.

 Dear Doc:
I am a nurse ..I am 57 years old. my boy friend is 53 he is and accomplised musician. He also has a great job in electreonics with alot of responsiblity. I recently discovered he is using cocaine .. it seems every 2 - 3 days as he buys it using his atm and I see the recepts for the same amts... his whole personlity has changed and he lies to me I have found it in his wallet and pockets I have been with him for 5 years and my anziety has increased .. but never expected this not sure waht to say to him as he has occationally lost it with me he has never done that before he was always calm and polite...how and when do I approch him What do I say I want him to get help. concerned J

Lovingly confront him, in the presence of others that make you feel safe. Challenge him on his addiction, and tell him you will be with him if he seriously attacks his problem.

Bottom Line: Odds are that he won't, so be ready to leave. If he does change, then you have helped both of you.

 Dear Doc:
I'm a single mom of 2 teens, a son who is 15 & a daughter who is 13. We lived with my parents up until my son turned 5, then moved out on our own, still within the same town. Five years later I took a new job out of state and I relocated my children and myself from Ct to PA. My mom has been sick for over 10 yrs now, and the doctors have not been able to put a name to her condition. We are now being told by the doctors that there is nothing they can do. My Family & I have discussed what is best to do for my mom and we have decided to bring her home and hire a nurse to help us take care of her and we have also decided to sign the DNR. I have been running up to CT for the past 2 weekends, and plan to do so every weekend until the time comes that she is relieved of her pain & suffering. The first weekend I took my kids up with me, the 2nd weekend the kids told me they just could not see her in the hospital, so I let them stay home in PA and a friend kept an eye on them. Of course the 2nd weekend was when the doctor told us that we had to make some decisions as to what we wanted to do because there was no cure and she was not doing so great. I came home Sunday night and tried to discuss this with them, but they were not ready to talk. On Monday night I sat down with my kids and explained to them what we had decided to do. They took it pretty well, they cried, which was expected and we touch base on what is going on daily. My daughter seems to be dealing with this a lot better than my son, she's reaching out to her friends and has even talked with her science teacher about it. She's hurting, but she's talking about her hurt and still trying to keep up with her normal daily routine. My son on the other hand is not handling this very well, he's fighting and refusing to go to school, he's not sleeping right and is very angry. I know this sounds pretty normal on how some people deal with a loss of a loved one, but I'm concerned. I am getting ready to go back up to CT tomorrow, and have told both children that they should go with me. My daughter says she'll think about it, she's not sure & my son just out right refuses, and tells me if I make him go he'll just leave the house so I can't find him to make him go. I don't know what the right thing is to do for him. Do I force him to go, or do I let him stay home under the watchful eye of a friend? What else can you advise to help me help my children deal with their grieving? Any advise would be greatly appreciated as I am doing my best dealing with all of this myself.

Do not force him to go. This is an awful lot for a 13 year old male to take in. Give him time to adjust to this tough reality in his own time. Don't bring it up in discussions with him. For now, a little denial may protect him from an unbearable reality.

Bottom Line: Continue to provide a warm and inviting environment for him, and when he is ready he will start to talk about it, and process his feelings. The funeral in itself will be a huge experience for him to have to go through.

 Dear Doc:
My teenage son is hurting, due to his grandmother being terminally ill and doctor's have told us there is nothing they can do for her. He is having a difficult time dealing with all of this and the end has not even arrived. Is there anything you can suggest to help me, help him get through this all?

Hopefully you are close. If so, keep him talking, so he can get his feelings out. If grandmother can still communicate, and she is a balanced person, maybe she can speak with him too, about this terribly difficult yet inevitable stage in the cycle of life. For some, a personal faith is very comforting during these times. You could also offer to take him to a therapist, but that may not be his choice.

Bottom Line: It's a healthy sign that he can show his emotion, and his compassion for his grandmother. There are also books on the market targeted for teens, on this subject, that you might want to expose him to.

 Dear Doc:
I have spent the last 12 years with the same man. We have 3 awesome kids, a 4 1/2 year old, a 2 1/2 year old and a 14 year old (his from a previous relationship). He works 2 1/2 hours away and commutes daily. I am a stay at home mom/wife. I do a great job with the house and raising the children, however my husband and I are a different story. He has continued to gain weight (he was a 34 waist when we got together now he is a 42/44). He suffers from high blood pressure, some type of depression, and now type 2 diabetes. I am barely attracted to him and rarely do we have sex. He has now threatened to leave me because I don't sleep with him. He feels that after all this time we shouldn't need to work on things and we should be having all kinds of sex. Any suggestions?

He' crazy if he thinks that good sex comes about without working on the rest of the relationship. That sounds more like prostitution. His poor care for himself probably suggests significant psychological issues within him. You may need to call his bluff regarding leaving. Maybe if he left, and came to appreciate all you bring to the relationship, he would start to repair himself (which would in turn help repair your love life).

Bottom Line: The absolute worst thing would be for you to roll over and fold to his demands. You must be strong, and true to your own feelings. There are a lot of "miserably marrieds" out there in the world---don't let yourself settle for that!

 Dear Doc:
i have been together with my bf for a yr and a half and i love him no questions asked and he loves me to but i am a christian and he is not and he has decided to convert for me but i think he is doin it for the wrong reasons as he is doing it specifically for me also i think our relationship has become more physical as we have stopped talking as we used to and i want to go back to the beginning where we used to talk all night how do i do this?

It's pretty hard to go backwards. Discuss it with him, and see if that works. But the talking phase usually comes before the intimacy stage. After intimacy you surely can talk a lot, but without intimacy also being a part of the equation, things may become awkward.

Bottom Line: It sounds like you are doubting the entire relationship, and want it to go back in time. Given that that probably can't happen, this relationship may not last.

 Dear Doc:
my day starts with waking up my 2 step daughters 14yrs. and 8 yrs., my 9yr. old son and the baby 2yrs. old. we all hurry around to get ready for school and work. while my husband lie's in the bed a sleep. I drive each of them to school/ daycare making 3 different stops before 8:00am. i work 9 hours day then pick each of thhem up from school. we walk in the door of our home and i cook clean etc. my husband doen't help me

Did you sign up for this prison sentence? I hope not! I'm assuming that you've told him this is unfair, and that he needs to pull his half of the load.

Bottom Line: If my assumption is correct, and he will not change, then it is time to keep the kids and lose the husband!

 Dear Doc:
why does a man cheat no matter how hard a woman tries to satisfy him?

The bigger question is why a woman would stay with such a jerk?

Bottom Line: Women deserve better, and should run like the wind from any man who doesn't make them number one in their lives!

 Dear Doc:
how can i cope with the lonliness of a recent divorce?

Surely it can be a huge problem. The good news is that others have survived, and made it to a great life after divorce. Over half of the marriages fail, so there are LOTS of other divorced people out there to learn from!

Bottom Line: Get out. Don't stay home. Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Get involved in activities where you can laugh, and meet interesting new people!

 Dear Doc:
have an x g/f who I broke up with 3 years ago. Six weeks later I contacted her by email and wanted to work things out and she had already moved in with a guy she had met on the internet and had moved 500 miles away from her 16 y/o daughter and her other adult children to be with him even. He is abusive but has not hit her in the laqst 3 years but has done things like threaten to shoot himself if she leaves and pull the phone out of the wall and more ... she has left twice to womens shelters and several times to her moms and a week ago cmae ehre even to stay saying she needed to be further aways and still had feelings for me shich is hte hook she has used on me for the last 3 years to keep me talking to her nad such ... anyhow she left after 4 days saying i am just like him and she needed to go home and he is really not abusive just depressed and he is going to counciling this time for real ...I talked to ehr social worker to give her th eheads up as she helped get her on a plane to here 2,000 miles away and she was like "oh my god" hearing she is making excuses again of heim not being abusive ... well I would not put her on a plane back to him but to her moms but a week later she just went back to him anyhows and of course she does not want him to know anything about me bieng ionvolved and all but she seems to always realize it is all his bs and manipulations agin some weeks later and the abuse cycle starts again and gets to the event stage and she has some clairity and I hear from her about how she loves me not him nad just is misserable and all again ...I am really thinking I need to cut her out of my life as I have done what I could for 3 years and she has laid the guilt of me being at fualt for breaking up with her or she would not have goten involved with him but this time she was here and she told me she was leaving there for real and good but hse ran back in less than a week blaming me for not being understanding enough nad talking about him while it was her who right away was reading his emails a day after here and all and feeling guilt for leaving her owner as she is the one who takes care of him or hse does not even shower ... sheesh ... anyhows I feel she will contact me agian in a month or so sayuing how seh is misserable and really loves me still na wnats a life with me but still just can not do it and break free of him .... I am thinking enough is enogyuh and it is way past time to cut her out of my life and change my numbers and not allow her to use me any longer ?

Change your phone number, run the other way, and never look back!

Bottom Line: This woman makes fruitcake look like it's low on nuts!!

 Dear Doc:
i need some advice on how to make my relationship alot better,u see i'm sufferring from depression and anxiety and sometimes it's kind of hard to deal with it on my own and he just don't understand... and i think he is cheating on me!please tell me what to do!

Go to a mental health doctor asap. Talking and medicine can help.

Bottom Line: Might be smart to dump him and move on to something better!

 Dear Doc:
I am being treatened with abuse by my husband we have gone to counciling for this my councelr suspects sexual abuse is going on with my daugter . I am affraid somehting is going to happen if i don't leave . i live in kansas and want to go to my family in california with my daughter can i do this leagaly the file for divorce when i get there.

You had better catch the first train out of town. While you're at it, get a restraining order.

Bottom Line: The first goal is the safety of you and your daughter. You can work out the divorce proceedings once you are safe in California.

 Dear Doc:
our business failed just before christmas and my wife of 23 years told me that she did not love me anymore. She has been going to the gym for a few years now and a "freind" from work joined recently as well,well the bottom line is he and her started to fool around. we talked about it and she has agreed that it was not the thing to do she was feeling vunerable and she fell i have forgiven her but i think that she hasn't forgiven her self.She seems to be carrying a lot of anger. she also tells me that she dosn't want to have sex or cuddle anymore because it might cause her "Pshycological dammage" what is that??? i dont get it she says that she is committed to fixing our marriage but yet she dosnt feel close to me........i have tried flowers dinners etc giving her space etc but now i am scared because i am finding my selk starting to with draw emotionally and that scares me! i find it hard not to hear her say i love you anymore

It sounds like it is time for you to go it on your own.

Bottom Line: Excuses get old fast. Focus on his performance. If he doesn't deliver, then he is dead weight that you don't need.

 Dear Doc:
i want to know if i should stay in a marriage where husband has been unemployed for 2 years i am tired of paying everything by myself he said his felony conviction prevents him from getting or keeping employment help

It sounds like it is time for you to go it on your own.

Bottom Line: Excuses get old fast. Focus on his performance. If he doesn't deliver, then he is dead weight that you don't need.

 Dear Doc:
i am 29 year old hindu girl and i love a muslim boy who is 7 years younger than me,he is earning well ,doing his MBA.i am a divorcee girl and im working and earning.we both love each other very much and have a good understanding and compatibility with each other.but my parents want me to get married in coming one year and that boy says he will marry me after 3 or 4 years after setteld his job properly and also he has one younger sister to get married.what could we do now?we want to spend our life together as a husband and wife.no one in our family knows about our affair.he said that he will tell in his family after doing MBA and after that he get a smart job.i am waiting and also so many offers coming to may family for my marriage .what could we do now?we both ove each other and not able to live without each other.we r expecting an intelligent solution frm your side.thank you.

It would help if I knew what part of the world you live in. In most Western cultures, you should be able to build a life together, despite what your family's have to say. Unfortunately, it sounds like you live in an area where women don't have the right to choose their spouse. You may both have to leave such a place for a part of the world where you can be free to be together.

Bottom Line: It will be very tough to start your lives over, but if your love is as strong as you say, it will be healthier in the long run, and it will bring you happiness.

 Dear Doc:
well im 15 years old and i cant live at my house any more its become too stressful for me,i have actually attempted suicied and well im not dead yet.........my parents are taking me to a christian psychatrist but even though talking is fun it dosnt change anything at home my parents constantly fight my mother has which you might call a border line personality and its just too much for me to take and its hard for me to study for school now its even hard for me to pay attention i always end up worrying about my parents and i still cut my self yo get away from my misery in my house what should i do?

Try to go and live with some healthier family members. If your folks won't allow it, get them to go to therapy with you, because they are a big part of your problem. Borderline personality disorders are one of the worst to deal with, and one of the least likely to improve.

Bottom Line: Worst case scenario, talk to your school counselor, pastor, or current therapist, to get the police involved. Your states's Child protective Services may be able to free you from your prison.

 Dear Doc:
i am 15 years old and i will b able to date in 6 moths i will be 16 im actually verry worried because im not really sure what to do in a relashionship because i have no good examples my parents dont get along i nnever remember them being able to and my sister and her boy friend love each other but they do argue alot and make up i dont want to be either one...im also kinda emotional scared of men because what has happend to me when i was little i dont know how to persue my dream of some day becoming a wife and a mother if im too scared to let a man into my life what should i do? i dont want to have these fears forever...

You are outstanding because you have figured this out at such a young age. Most people never figure out what you have discovered.

Bottom Line: Go and get professional help. If your parents won't help you, find a free counseling service through your school, church, or police department.

 Dear Doc:
dear doc,im 16 i livwe in ireland and im suffering from social phobia for the past 3 years i've missed alot of school but the one thing i want to do is acting would it be a good idea for my health to prusue it??

Absolutely.

Bottom Line: Some actors have found salvation in their careers. For example, some who studdered all their lives, were able to conquer the problem via their careers.

 Dear Doc:
how do you deal with tension without bringing it home ?

That's a huge question. It partly depends on what is causing the tension. Some people try to work out or go for a run before they get home. Some like 30 minutes to themselves when they get home. Some may take a hot bath or hot-tub.

Bottom Line: What's important is that you recognize the problem, and that you are willing to take serious action to reduce your tension for the benefit of yourself and your family.

 Dear Doc:
im 18 and i dont like living at my house im still in school and getting good grades. i will be getting a job soon and a car and i will be insured i want to move in with my friends house. i will be leaving to the marines in august. i was wondering if i have to get emancipated so i dont have to have my dad sign all of my report cards and so my mom does not have to pay for chiled support. right now my mom is 2 states away and is almost imposable to move in with her. the reason i want to move out is my dads girlfriend i hate her. she is a magor clean freak and it drives me nuts. i tryed to talk about the problem and it did not work and now she i mad at me and wont talk to me. but i have a bad gilt about leaving and dont want to upset my dad because i love him and if i do got i want him to be happ and have us part in a good way. i want to be able to come back and be good friends. HOW DO I DO THIS?

If you are 18 you can live on your own, in most states.

Bottom Line: There are even stories out there that at 18, you can sign your OWN report cards!

 Dear Doc:
well what do i do when my my newly wedded husband wants to leave me and i never met his mother or father hes going to tell them when he leaves me what should i do -lost in hope!!

It sounds like this was a no-go from the get-go.

Bottom Line: You can wait around for a bit to see if he comes around, but it sounds like an annulment may be in your best interest.

 Dear Doc:
My 18 almost 19 year old step daughter came to live with us after her mother threw her out. We my husband or myself do not know her very well. She was kept away from her father and neither of them was not told about each other. She is extremely unpleasant. She is mean to our three year old son and very jealous of our ten year old daughter. She makes comments of burning down the house. She refers to us as you people. She is mean to the cat. Has no motivation. She doesn't want to go to school or work. I have to make her get up everyday and go out to look for a job. Which I don't think she is doing. She is consumed with losing weight and sticks her finger down her throat after evey meal. Help! I am clueless on how or where to start. Her family has mention therapy and she freaked. I am nervous about going to sleep at night. I worried about her safety and my children. My first instinct is to put her out. But guilt keeps me from it. What can I do?

You had better put her out yesterday, before she brings down the whole family.

Bottom Line: Guilt can be irrational, misguided, and unhealthy.

 Dear Doc:
my dad is very angry that im seeing this boy because im am only 15 and he is 20 my dad said he was going to get a restraing order on him so he wont be able to see my can he do that if i dont want him to an he dosent have any prrof that any thing sexual has happend

Yes, it's possible that he can do that.

Bottom Line: When you are 18, it won't matter if the guy is 23. But right now, if your dad doesn't want to allow it, you may need to put this romance on hold for awhile.

 Dear Doc:
My girlfriend broke up with me. She has possible breast cancer and said she doesn't have time for a relationship right now. But now she is hanging out with her ex who is her son's father. I treated her great. At the same time, I work as a government contractor and I'm about to leave for 5 months. What is your conclusion? I'm confused and want her back. What should I do?

Move on without her.

Bottom Line: It sounds like she has used you. Believe in yourself, knowing that you deserve better, and that you will find her.

 Dear Doc:
When my daughter was 2 months old her father's parents took gaurdianship of her. After 16 months I finally got her back. I have been told that they were very abusive to her. She used to have night terrors that lasted up to 3 hours. She's 3 1/2 now, still hits herself and others, she will play with herself (privates) on a daily basis and in public. She also tries to touch other girls in very inappropriate areas. She's refusing to eat more than once a day or tries to put her fingers down her throat to puke. She also has moments that we could all be playing and having fun then all of a sudden she'll run to her room and beat her head on the wall. The doctor said that she does not need further help, that it's a stage. I've been given lots of advice on how to deal with her but for some reason I'm not sure what more I can do.

The Doctor is wrong.

Bottom Line: Get her to a good child therapist asap, and plan on her being in long term play therapy.

 Dear Doc:
My sister took my mother to an attorney and had her change her will so that she will get to live in my mother's house until my mother dies. We were supposed to inherit my mother's estate (my father is dead) equally. This is the second time my sister has taken my mother to an attorney to change her will. I am very angry and hurt. The first time I "overlooked" it and we remained a "family". This time I cannot forgive my sister, but have continued a relationship with my mother. What should I do?

As children, we have no true rights to our parents property, so your mom can do as she wishes. But if you feel that your sister is manipulating your mom, you should consider breaking off all ties, as it is unhealthy to fake getting along with someone who is screwing us. This assumes that you have talked with both of them, that you have been completely honest, and that they have ignored your feelings.

Bottom Line: Healthy lives are congruent, not dissonent. Only spend time with people you trust, and who have your best interests in mind.

 Dear Doc:
My husband is 44 and appears to be going through a midlife crisis due to financial debt, marital problems after 22 years of marriage, and has separated from us now for five months, now he wants a divorce. His thought process tends to be irrational. We have two girls and loves them dearly. Thus far, there is no marital affairs that I know of. Do you think there is any hope that he will come out of this irrational thought process?

Yes there is hope, but you must prepare yourself for either possibility. Divorces are expensive and time consuming, so that's on your side. However, if the fundamental problems aren't addressed, he may stay away.

Bottom Line: His thinking may not be irrational. People change over time. His may be a midlife adjustment, rather than a midlife crisis.

 Dear Doc:
i have thoughts of depression and suicide sometimes i need help please?

Tell someone you know, who can get you help asap.

Bottom Line: There's no doubt that life can be overwhelming, but suicide is really the ultimate in selfishness, and the quitters way out. Fight it with professional help, and you will win!

 Dear Doc:
I have been with my fiance for almost 2 years now. He has always been very "short" with people when he spaeks to them. after about 3months of dating, he proposed to me. I knew that was fast, but I accepted. Then he asked me to move inwith him and he would help take care of me and my twin daughters. At the time I had just lost my job and my lease was ending soon, and it seemed like a good idea. Well, turns out he had a drinking problem and likes to say horrible things about me and evry woman in his life. That was, of course, an issue for me. We would discuss it when he sobered up. He constantly would bring up my past boyfriend, whom I am not dating anymore, but had been in touch with, (he is dating someone else and I am friends with her also). One night the ex called to tell me that his girlfriend had had a baby girl, and they were wanting me to baptise her. (I am an ordained minister) My fiance saw the caller ID and went bolistic. (he had been drinking most of the day. I told him who it was, and what they wanted; all he heard was the exes name and said very horrible things. I didn't care to listen to any of it, so I told him I was going to bed. The next morning I was awakened by him snatching the pillow from under my head, saying it was HIS, then he continued to snatch the sheets and blankets, then preseded to beat me and wouldn't let me call the police because he said it was HIS phone. When he finally stopped I told him I was going to call the police, so I left and called from a neighbors apartment. When the police came, they took pics, as I was bloody and bruised. The did not arrest him! He had left. From all this, we went to court, he claimed he was going to anger management classes, which he actually started and ended and started again recently. The attack happened last March 13th. I and my daughters spoke with him, and he assured us everything is okay. I am still friends with my ex and his girlfriend and there is no amount of assuring him that that is all it is, a friendship. He checks my cellphne calls and goes as far as investigating who each call is from, and brings it up in arguments. My question is; is this someone I should even consider marrying? He tells me "talking to my exe or any man is carrying on a relationship". What should I do?

If you consider marrying this sick person, then they should put YOU in the psych ward!

Bottom Line: This is a TERRIBLE relationship! Run like the wind, and don't look back!!

 Dear Doc:
My ex husband can't seem to get over our 25 year marriage. We divorced 2 years ago, at which time had been coming for a long time. We did not live together for 5 years before but still I did everything as if we were living together. He would get drunk and be abusive,I dealt with it as long as I could. When my youngest child turned eighteen I filed for a divorce. I, not looking for anyone else ran into a man I knew 30 yrs. ago, we started dating and now live together. He is a very good man and is good to me, my children like him alot. However, my ex thinks I left him for this man and still thinks I need to get over it and come back home. One minute he is crying to our daughter about how much he misses and loves me the next I am getting a cussing. He won't get on with his life, and I never wanted for him to end up being a lonely old man. I would like for the children and grandchildren's sake we be able to at least be civil to each other. I could but he can't. I also had to move out of the state where I was raised to make him leave me alone. It's been 2 yrs. what should I do?

Look away. You are powerless to change the other person.

Bottom Line: The problems are his, not yours. Teach your family to go forward, and let him work out his own serious issues. He probably won't, but if he does, at least it will be the real thing.

 Dear Doc:
I have a stepmom who is very cruel to me, and my dad knows she's doing it but won't say anything to her. I have heard that there is a certain age that you can chose to live with one parent all the time. I want to live with my mom. DO you know if that's true? If so, what is that age. I want out of this situation as soon as possible.

There are some judges that will listen to young people who are in the 13-14 year range, because they figure that you are a flight risk. You would need to have your mom get you in front of a judge, so that you could tell your story. If they agree, they can assign you to be with your mom all of the time. Realize, of course, that your dad can fight this in court. It can cost everyone a fortune, and not necessarily turn out as you would wish.

Bottom Line: Your first move should be to ask your dad to let you go to your mom's. If he won't listen, get your mom to speak with him. If all else fails, you can try your luck in the family court.

 Dear Doc:
I have a Talented, very artistic & beautiful Daughter who is 18,spoiled,andlately has been lying about what she is doing &who she is seeing.She doesn't work, and has aquired a homeless street "boy friend"23 who thinks she is great(and she is!) and has come to the house for dinner Christmas eve & is using her to get money and food and a place (here he wishes!)to live !! That will not happen and she is rebeling like crazy ! He has intoduced her to Pot and I hope thats all, but our lives are quickly all focused on how to stop this in it's tracks, and it's not easy. We are sick worrying that she will end up on the street and on drugs if she does not see this life for what it is! Is there some goverment operated and paid ,counciling for parents and teens with this sort of problem in Vancouver or Richmond B.C. Canada or any other Counciling available for this kind of problem? We need help now!!

Because she is 18, she doesn't have to go to counseling if she doesn't want to. Assuming you've been trying to tell her of your concerns, your only leverage is probably to inform her that she can't live with you if she doesn't change her ways. You are at that scary stage of parenting where you are powerless, and you can only hope that she will fly out of the nest, rather than crashing.

Bottom Line: You might want to contact the police. They may be able to refer you to some professional help. If she won't go, you should probably go for your own sanity!

 Dear Doc:
I moved out after my wife asked me too. She has been seeing another guy and was doing so before i moved out. It had been going on for about 4 months before she asked me to move out. When we talked about me moving out, it was implied that we could work on our marriage while apart.It has been 2 months now and I want to move back in. Can I just show back up even if she doesn't want me too? She is in that mode of knowing that i'm here and will be here for her but she is also having her fun now. I have 2 kids still at home and he has even started coming over to the house.

Start off the New Year in your own home! You have been too weak, and too nice. If she wants to mess around, let HER move out!

Bottom Line: YOU need to be there with your kids. Ready your mind for a divorce. It may not happen, but at least then you'll be coming from a position of strength!

 Dear Doc:
my husband filed for divorce he did not show up in court for the divorce, he came home stating he wanted to work it out then went on to tell his sister he wasnt happy and was going back home to England, he then refused to sign the papers to disolve his complaint for divorce...I then kicked him out of the house we have two very small children...we are in counseling, he comes over just about daily, we make love but he refuses to come back home to live....is this the behavior of a man who doesnt love me anymore? as he wont tell me he loves me, he wont tell he does not love me....the mixed messages are unbeleivable, my emotions are out of control...I'm living moment to moment and they can be extreme..I can be fine one moment, crying the next....our therapist advised to give a 2 week pressure free trial..were i dont ask him to come home ect....but every time i see him or hear his voice it's all i can do to keep from crying...I love my husband, I am commited to him completley....but i just dont know what his intentions for our future are how should I cope with this?

Your therapist is correct. Hard as it is, the best thing that you can do is to let go of needing him to come back. Your husband is either confused, or not telling you the whole story.

Bottom Line: You deserve better than this. Work yourself away from dependence, and toward independence. Then you will feel that you truly have a choice, and can live with any outcome that occurs.

 Dear Doc:
Our daughter who married as soon as she turned 18 us now 24 and in the Navy. She joined the Navy to help get her husband out of fishing and she wanted to move out of South East Alaska where it rains 200 inches a year. Long story short.... 4 years ago she gave birth to a girl and left her with her husband who was out of work to go through boot camp and hospital corpsman training. They were suppose to join her but my son in law got a TSA job and it did not work out. He had told the recruiters he would go where ever she went and find work. My daughter had lived with me after I helped her when she was pregnant with our grandaughter. My son in law was out to sea for six month commercial fishing. Our daughter was living with us when #1 gradnchild was born. I helped with the delivery and the first month I was the dad. I had to let go when the son in law came home. I love my children so much and have been there when they needed me. My son in law found a good job near the base with good pay and they decided to bring another child into the world. I helped for several months on and off becasuse my daughter gets so sick when she is pregnant and was on bed rest. She was working 12 hour shifts in labor and delivery. Our grandson was born a year ago in July. I can kinda sense when they do not want me around. My daughter calls when she sick or everything is falling apart. They had a great day care lady who moved away, she was awsome and just a few doors down. My son in law did not talk to us or the daycare lady and decided with my daughters brilliant help to go back commercail fishing be gone now 9 mos aprox. He did not know the day care lady was moving away and he did not honor me in running buy us. I was signed on as parental suppost if my daughter had to go out to sea with the promise that Micheal would be around. Now I see my grandson has been damaged some how..my daughter (I did not mention) has migraines and has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. She is on a lot of medication. She goes out side to smoke when the kids are alone in the house. Our grandson is very easygoing and grandaughter is very busy. Without going into details..I know something has happened to esp. my grandson. I believe my daughter also watches tv and does not hear what is going on when she is watching it. She has had to make due with whoever was available to watch the kids. The neighbor has helped alot. I do not know what has happened but he is so withdrawn and lithargic. Our Grandaughter is so bright and used to have a great vocabulary now talks baby talk. If I talked to by daughter she hurls back any mistake I evermade at me. Although we have talked over the years and I gave here many opportunities to share with me her resentments. I did have a temper I had to get help for and now see she needs help. The burden I feel is so huge I fell into a serious depression and can't sleep. I do not want to be cut off from my grandchildren. I feel like I want to do something but do not know what I can do without destroying my relationship totally with my daughter. She just one a special achievment award in the Navy but I do not respect her for this as I believe the job we have to answere for in heaven is the job with our children and the Navy is down the list. She gives her all at work, but she chose to have these two beautiful kids and I afraid the boy is destroyed. What can I do? Very concerned Grandma and Mother

It is your job to help if they ask, not to be in charge. Even if you are correct, you have to stay out of the way, unless they welcome you in.

Bottom Line: Do your best to love and help the grandkids, during whatever time you have with them.

 Dear Doc:
my boyfriend withdraws to complete silence for no apparent reason. I just dont understand so then I become anxious to find out why which then makes him more silent but its not always silent. we are emotionally connected for some time. I dont understand our negative communication behaviors.

The man-of-silence-syndrome is never healthy. But if he won't tell you what's up, you're hands are tied.

Bottom Line: Don't stay with him if he doesn't work to open up. It will go nowhere good over time.

 Dear Doc:
I love my husband, but my mother-in-law and sister-in-laws are very nasty people. I will not ask him to choose between his family and me. I think it would be much better for him if I just left. I know they dislike me intensely, and frankly I dislike them equally as much. Over the more than twenty years of our marriage, my relationship with his family has continued to spiral downward. I now become physically ill when we are traveling to his mother's home (especially if his siblings will be there). Each time he assures me that I will not have to visit them again, but then always wants me to try 'one more time'. Today I came completely unraveled when we arrived at his mother's home to find his sister and her family visiting. I had been told (promised by his mother) they would not be there, and when she met me in the driveway to tell me 'they are prepared to be friendly', my stomach churned. I actually had a panic attack when I went in the house. I felt tricked and lied to. I practically ran out of the house, I know this is exactly what my sister in-law (the nastiest of the bunch) had in mind. These people have been mean and unwelcoming to me for many years and in many ways. They also pick on my oldest child, she no longer will accompany us to their home. Each time they are careful to be civil to me (us) in front of my husband, just to turn plain mean when he is out of the room. I just feel like the only way to keep my husband from being in a difficult position is to leave. After we left his mother's today, I began to shake and cry, and I just could not seem to get warm. My husband has offered to completely cut them out of his life, but I feel that he should continue to have a relationship with his mother, regardless of her actions. I love my husband and do not want to be responsible for causing him unhappiness, but detest my in-laws to the point of illness.

It sounds like it's time for you to move on.

Bottom Line: I don't know how your husband will respond, but this oil and water relationship with his family should have ceased decades ago, because it sounds like it has already harmed your children.

 Dear Doc:
How does one deal with a narsscistic personality dissorder in a family member?

Books could be written about this (and have been!). This is one of the toughtest things to deal with, because these people are usually clueless about how much others disdain them. You have to be assertive and in their face, to have a chance at gaining their attention. But don't hold your breath, because they usually don't get it.

Bottom Line: These people are often best left behind, because it takes years of therapy to change them (and they don't want to change!).

 Dear Doc:
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. When we first met I felt it was 'True Love'and I still do. He is a very independent, self-motivated man. I moved in with him and just got engaged last January. He drinks more than I like to see him drink. I don't mind a few beers but 12 pack or more is getting to much. I have to be careful what to say to him while he's drinking or he gets upset. Some of the things he says really hurts my feelings. Recently, we had a argument and I was told I didn't have a opinion, etc. etc. he really got upset and wouldn't let up. I left to go cool off because he had been drinking, knowing it was not a good time to say anything, when I returned, (1 hour) I thought it was going to be over and went to bed. When he came to bed he started in wanting to argue. He was mad because I didn't cook him any supper. Then he started saying mean things again (I hadn't had supper either). I was fed up with and got out of bed and grabed my ice tea, that I had drank and had 1/2 glass of ice in it. As I was getting up to leave the bedroom, I grabed my glass of ice, as I was walking away he really started to say mean hateful things to me. Without thinking straight I flung my ice out of glass at him. It sprayed all over the bed and he may of got hit by a piece of cruched ice. He jumped out of the bed and I knew I was in BIG trouble. What I didn't expect was what he did to me. He grabbed me and through me into the wall and picked me up and was yelling at me and threw me on the bed and when I sat up in shock, he hit me - then he kept hitting me. I couldn't belive he would do that. I was all bloody and bruised and ended up in the emergency room the next day. The question that I have is; I love this person with all my heart and soul. But I'm having a great deal of trouble dealing with what he did. I'm truly sorry I threw my ice at him in anger. I don't even like to raise my voice at anyone nor do I like the way it feels to be angry or argue with someone. I have totaly lost my trust in him. He won't hardly talk about it, he says he never hit me but slapped me, he also said I bruise easy. (slapping/hitting) I know it just hurt. I asked him if he ever hit his x-wife before and he said "No". Maybe I should have asked if he slapped her before. Anyways......could this just be a isolated event of anger? Or what are my odds of this happening again?

You'd better run away as fast as you can, before it happens again. There are some seriously unhealthy thoughts and behaviors in your relationship.

Bottom Line: A reasonable response would have been for the police to charge him with abuse. I'm surprised the emergency room staff didn't file a report (assuming you told them the truth).

 Dear Doc:
my husband and i have been married for five years. we have two small children ages 3 & 6. I thought everything was fine basically between us. He recently told me that he does not love me anymore and is not quite sure if he ever did. We got married very young and Im not sure what to do. he wont do counceling and says there is no hope. i took the kids and moved in with my parents 3 hours away i hope that may make him see what he is missing. is this the 7 year itch everyone says or is it truely over. im devestated please help!

There is hope. Go to therapy on your own. This pattern is not unusual.

Bottom Line: Getting divorced is hard, long-term, and expensive. Be true to yourself while still trying to love him, and he may come around.

 Dear Doc:
I had a fatherinlaw I did not like and he has recently passed away I did not go near him but I never stopped my children or my husband going my motherinlaw was there to attend to him so he was not alone I did go to see him when he was dying but since he died I have had a nervous breakdown with guilt I am a christian but I believe I may go to hell for this my parents advised me to keep away from my fatherinlaw as well I wish to get better and believe no harm will come to me I never meant to hurt him and I thought I was doing the right thing for my children and my husbands sake please help thanks

Sounds like your faith is working against you. It seems like the people who care about you agreed that you were doing the right thing. Some people are truely evil, and should be avoided at all costs.

Bottom Line: Maybe you should get some healthier spiritual counsel, from those who speak of God's grace more than God's wrath.

 Dear Doc:
My 5 year old son does not listen and makes bad choices. He is very aggressive, has a huge ego, is very bossy, very smart and no matter what the consequences are to his actions he still continues to mis-behave. What do you suggest we do?

He appears to be very strong-willed. Are either of you like that? You need to discover if he is merely stubborn to a fault, or if there is a biological base to his misbehavior.

Bottom Line: Go and get some professional help, from a therapist who has experience with these types of young children.

 Dear Doc:
My husband told me he dosen't love me anymore. We have a 9 month old and i'm 5 months pregnant, how can i win his love back? please help me...

This is such a tough problem, because there is so little time for you to be an in-love couple. Feelings of love can come and go. Hang in there with him, and try to be your best person.

Bottom Line: However, don't take full responsibility for your mutual love. If he's running the other way, you can't control his attempts at an exit.

 Dear Doc:
My husband and I own a music store and we both work at the shop. I play an instrument and am in a band. My husband also is in a band. I grew up playing guitar but a few years ago gave up playing to become an artist. About a year ago, I picked up my guitar and started playing again. My husband always knew me as just a visual artist. Now that I am playing guitar, he gets so jealous that I too am successful at music that he gets very violent and breaks things and tries over and over to sabbotage my attempts to play music with my band and with him too. For me, music is just a hobby but it is a goal of mine to become a great musician. Working at a music store, I am surrounded by it. This is my opportunity to really learn on my spare time. When my husband and I talk about it, he says he has a viseral reaction and pressure on his chest when he thinks about me having musical talent. He says, "you are art, and I am music". I am in a tough position wanting to better myself and grow as a person, but also not wanting to hurt my husband's feelings. I am too stubborn to just quit. I want this to be an opportunity for my husband to mature. When someone is territorial like this, is it instinctual? Is it learned? Can he change? Can I help him? Thank you in advance.

His unhealthy reactions to your growth are not instinctual, but learned. Change is possible, but I wonder if he wants to, and is willing to go through the hard work. You can't do the hard work for him, but you can try to be loving and supportive.

Bottom Line: However, don't you dare give up your healthy growth, because of his unhealthy responses.

 Dear Doc:
My son is an agoraphoic & at times its hard for him to go to his therapist that lives about 1/2 hour away from our home. There are times when it is no problem and there are other times when he has a hard time going. He is on Klonipin & Wellbutrin which works well for him, but there are times when he does well and other times when he does not well at all. Is this the nature of the illness. I am his mom and it is very upsetting to watch my son at the age of 31 to have such a horrrible illness.

It must be most difficult to watch your son struggle with this often misunderstood illness.

Bottom Line: Unfortunately, such behaviors can be a part of this disorder. Hopefully his doctor can help you to understand the illness better, and help you help your son as best you can.

 Dear Doc:
I have been dating a 63year old man and I am 34 years old. We have been dating for three years. Now that I have moved in with him temporary because I lost my job. He now will not do much of anything for me or with me. why?

My guess is that he may want to date, but he doesn't want to live together. He may not want to hurt your feelings by saying that, so he is passively (and maybe subconsciously) acting out his feelings.

Bottom Line: Living together has brought many a good relationship to an end. 24/7 is just too much for some folks.

 Dear Doc:
I HAVE A SON-IN LAW WHO CONSTANTLY MENTALY ABUSES MY GRANDCHILDREN. CAN YOU SEND ME SOME INFO I CAN SEND TO HIM? THE GIRLS HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM.IF THEY GET GOOD GRADES, HE TELLS THEM SO WHAT, THAT DON'T MAKE UP FOR THE TEST THEY FAILED. HE DOESN'T EVEN CHECK THEIR BACKPACKS AT NIGHT TO SEE IF THEY HAVE ASSIGNMENTS.

Unfortunately, mailing him something won't help. This sounds like a horse who doesn't want to drink the water. Hopefully your daughter can put some pressure on him to get some professional help.

Bottom Line: He sounds like a troubled (and hurting) individual, who may well have been treated the same way when he was a child.

 Dear Doc:
I have a 18 yr. old daughter. She moved out cause she didn't like the rules of the house and the boyfriend did'nt like them either. She is still in high school. She is just leaching off of people and could care less about her parents. I is very difficult for us. She is being very irrespectful to us. After all we did. How can we handle this?

You've got to let go of expecting anything from her. For now she is gone, and you've got to move on without her.

Bottom Line: Let's just hope that with the passing of time, she will realize and start to appreciate all your efforts.

 Dear Doc:
I Love my boyfriend so much but there is the sition that we fight to much I would like to save our relationship and so would he. We don;t know how so the question that I am asking is how can we get through this

When two individuals are healthy, their relationship is healthy. You need to discover WHY you fight, before you can learn to STOP fighting.

Bottom Line: Please go get some professional help. With that, you have a good chance of turning things around.

 Dear Doc:
I'm a kid and I am 115 pounds. I know I am slightly overweight so anyway I decided to stop eating. After awhile of this my friends confronted me and another friend of mine who had stopped eating too. At first I thought 'yeah right' then I thought 'maybe I really am in danger'. Then I thought 'yeah right I eat a lot'. Then I think that I'm just playing along to get attention. I'm really confused. I sort of want to tell my mom but I also REALLY don't want to because I think I'm not really anorexic. I don't know what to think. Plus my best friend who was also going anorexic that my friends confronted said she was going to tell her mom. Then she later told me that she couldn't and wouldn't. Now I don't know if we can trust if she's being truthful and I'm worried sick about her. I know I should tell my mom because I don't want to seem untrustworthy to my friends but I don't know how to tell her. Please help me doc. Miss Anorexic?

Yes, you should tell one or both of your parents. You should also see a counselor. Maybe start by talking to someone at your school.

Bottom Line: You are simply too young to deal with this by yourself.

 Dear Doc:
my brother is a prescription drug addict and constantly verbally abuses my dad and mother. he is 45, un-employed and my dad won't allow the rest of us to put him in rehab. My mother is a narcisst and guilt-trips, wants to die, and my wife and I are always caught in the middle. is now the time to walk away and love from a distance?

Run, don't walk!

Bottom Line: The healthiest thing that you can do is break the pattern of family dysfunction, by no longer participating in the sickness games.

 Dear Doc:
We have a 17 year that is so ready to get out but she has no money or no place to go. She is very disrespectful to us and to her siblings. She is very ungrateful for all that we do for her. We have looked into some camps, but find them quite expensive. We really want to do something to help her before she is 18. Other than our daughters attitude our family is very peaceful and loving. How do we handle a spoiled know it all. We really want to do something!

You could spend a fortune sending her away to school, and she'd probably get them to kick her out anyway. I assume that she won't go to therapy. Go then, for your own sanity.

Bottom Line: You can't help her, if she doesn't want to be helped. Admit that, then practice tough love, by telling her that she will have to leave, if she doesn't go with the program. Then be strong enough to let her go out and starve for awhile, until she appreciates all the family does for her.

 Dear Doc:
I am a recently seperated navy wife with a 21/2 year old son with ppd with is propably linked to austism. My son is on the go 24/7 and i donot get any breaks. My psycologist recently diagnosed me having post traumatic stress disorder and my husband also changed the account number so i don't have access to any money what can i do?

Sounds like you had better get an attorney asap.

Bottom Line: There are public and private organizations that are designed to help those with your type of need. If need be, go to the police to find these folks.

 Dear Doc:
I have been happily married for 5 years and recently my sister told me that she thinks that my husband has been moving on her. She also said that he hit her behind once and she expressed her dislike for it and she told him to tell me. He said he didn't tell me because he was afraid of how i would have dealt with it. It recently happened again. I have spoken to both of them and he is sorry about what he did. I am sorry because my sister now feels uncomfortable coming to my home to visit me and her nieces. When I think about the whole situation I get overwhelmed. I am a teacher and I can't even stand up in front of my class to teach. I tried the other day and started to break down can you please help me with some solutions to deal with theis soltion. Also i have spoken to them individually but I feel i need to speak to both of them together. What do you think?

This happens more often than you might think. Go to a therapist for some help. Have your husband and sister go with you. Apparently your husband hasn't been as happily married as you have been.

Bottom Line: Take care of yourself above all else. Don't settle for empty promises. Rather measure him based on his actions, instead of his words. Be willing to leave if he won't work with you, and if his behavior doesn't change.

 Dear Doc:
I'm 16 years old and a former teacher of mine who I hadn't seen in about year because he now teachs somewhere else, recently contacted me. It started with friendly chatting, but he eventually admitted that he'd been sexually attracted to me when I was in his class. Now he wants to meet to just "talk" and catch up, but I'm unsure of his intentions...What should I do?

I'm quite sure of his intentions. He wants to move toward an intimate relationship with you. If you're up for it, it would be good to tell your folks about this. The easiest answer would be to not have any more contact with him. However, the other question is whether YOU want a relationship with this guy.

Bottom Line: There's nothing wrong with friendship, but of course he would be breaking the law if the two of you became intimate. Once you are 18, you are of course freer to make your own choices.

 Dear Doc:
i would like to know the difference between aggression, assertiveness and passiveness to know were i stand.

Aggressiveness and passiveness are two ends of a continuum, and assertiveness is inbetween them.

Bottom Line: When it comes to personal relationships, being too aggressive or passive will harm a relationship, while being assertive should strengthen the relationship.

 Dear Doc:
i have a 20 year old son with a really bad anger problem and am wondering if it could be a symptom of a mental didorder.i have always believed he has had adhd although undiagnosed.he will go off yelling and swearing for no reason at anyone who looks at him the wrong way if he is in a mood.even when he apears happy you have to walk on eggshells around him.he has ended up getting on crystal meth and doing some time in jail.he is off the drug now.this isn't what started his anger problem as he was like this as a child.he refuses to get help and is quite caring and would do anything for anyone but just goes off for no reason.he talks to his girlfreind terribly and will be all loving one minute then calling her every name the next for no reason.he also cannot hold down a job for some reason.he gets a job and gets all exited about it then won't get up and go.he always has these plans to better his life and then never does anything about it.i'm wondering if the anger is caused by some other problem that he has and cannot control.i have a younger son with aspergers and deals with his anxiety with anger and my 20 year old says he probably has that too although i know he doesn't as he doesn't have the same symtoms.i would apreciate any suggestions you may have.i feel his anger is holding him back from having a productive happy life.thank you.

Most likely he has a very real medical problem. The other possibility is that he was chronically abused, but has never dealt with it.

Bottom Line: He absolutely needs professional psychological help. Unfortunately, it is common that those who are the sickest are the least likely to get help. These people are usually dangerous, and should be avoided.

 Dear Doc:
we have been married 45 years have been working and having money. we are at an impasse as he started divorce actionc 10 years ago through behaviors of putting everything in his name and doing what he wanted while i went to church and had friends i ran around with all the time not having a relationship with him and now ive waken up and he wont talk what do ido

Coming out of denial can be a huge shock. Avoiding a difficulty does not make it go away. It usually only makes it worse in the end.

Bottom Line: You'd better get to an attorney, to protect your rights. You can try to work it out with him, but it's probably too late for that.

 Dear Doc:
I am married and have an affair with another married man X. I recently found out that Mr X has another affair with another married woman. I am deeply hurt since i thought i was in love with this guy. What should I do now?

Doesn't it seem odd to think that a man who is unfaithful to his wife would be faithful to you?

Bottom Line: You are playing in a dangerous area. The safest choice would be to exit the game.

 Dear Doc:
my brother disowned me after my divorce of his wife's brother....I had six kids and he had five who were very close It would have been easy if he had just disappeared but he has made a point of accepting my children when they are with their dad and at that(his wife's) side functions and totally ignores my children if they are at a function on our side. I also have two small children he has nothing to do with and has walked by my husbands extended hand numerous times. I just want to move on and him out of my life but I keep getting blindsighted with his appearance and coldness at functions of my now grown children. How do i keep from getting hurt and protect my young children from this?

Unfortunately, you can't protect them. Do your best to help them understand, and then get out of the way and let them figure out what works for them.

Bottom Line: It may seem weird, but you can chose not to be hurt. Maybe you should not attend anything where he is present.

 Dear Doc:
my 59 year old husband goes for a nap happy and wakes up 2 hrs. later mad at me for anything I do or say, goes back for a nap and wakes up as if all is well and loving. not remembering anything up maybe two weeks later.

Just like women, men can have physiologically based mood swings.

Bottom Line: Get him to a doctor. Something biological may be impacting your husband's memory.

 Dear Doc:
Im a young 26 yr old single mother in a relationship with a guy that i really love and he loves me to but we fight about everything oh and hes older than me 9 yrs older than me and thinks he knows everything also was raised very differently and he expects alot from me and im trying really hard to change the person that i am for me and him and sometimes it still is not good enough. Ive had a really rough life and the life that i had has made me the explosive angry person that i am and im trying really hard to change for me,my kids, and him, but he thinks it should happen overnight and in reality it cant i know i need help.But can you help me with this guy.

Change for you, and no one else.

Bottom Line: It sounds like this guy is holding you back, and that you can do better.

 Dear Doc:
I NEED ADVICE!! ME AND MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR 6 MONTHS AND WE ARE STAYING WITH MY PARENTS RIGHT NOW TRING TO GET ON OUR FEET. AT FIRST I INGORED THE PROBLEM BUT IT IS JUST CONTINUING AND NOT GETTING ANY BETTER. WELL MY MOTHER IN LAW EVER SINCE WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED EVERYTHING THAT I SAY I AM GOING TO DO FOR MY HUSBAND SHE SAYS SHE WILL DO IT , LIKE I WAS FEELING BAD THE OTHER DAY AND SHE CALLED ASK HOW I WAS FEELING THEN I TOLD HER I WAS WASHING HIS CLOTHES AND SHE SAID SHE WOULD COME GET HIS CLOTHES AND WASH THEM . THATS ONLY THE TIP OF THE PROBLEM, HIS MAIL WAS COMING TO HER HOUSE AND WE GOT A POST OFFICE BOX AND SHE CALLED HIM AND ASK HIM WHY HIS CAR INSURANCE DIDNT COME AND HE TOLD HER THAT IT COMES TO OUR BOX NOW, WELL WHEN WE FIRST TALKED TO HER ABOUT GETTING A BOX SHE TOLD US IT WOULD COST ALOT. THEN ONE TIME MY HUSBAND TOLD HER ABOUT THE DINNERS THEY HAVE A WORK AND THAT I ALWAYS GO OUT TO GET DESSERT FOR HIM TO TAKE THEN SHE SAID WELL I CAN MAKE YOU HOMEMADE TO TAKE WITH YOU , AND IM LIKE OK I AM HIS WIFE HERE.... WELL YOU SEE WE GOT MARRIED LATER WELL IM 27 HE IS 26 AND I THINK HE LIVED AT HOME WAY TO LONG CAUSE IT WAS JUST HIM AND HER FOR ALONG TIME , SHE DID HAVE A LIVE IN BOYFRIEND WHO SHE DIDNT EXPECT HIM TO PAY ANY BILLS OR TAKE CARE OF HER IN ANYWAY. AND WHEN WE WERE DATING MY HUSBAND ALWAYS HELPED HER DO THE HOUSE WORK AND BEFORE HE STARTING WORKING STEADY HE WOULD SPEND HALF A DAY WITH HER AND HALF A DAY WITH ME THEN SHE GOT MAD AND THROW A FIT ON HIM AND TOLD HIM HE WASNT UP THERE ENOUGH AND HE DIDNT HELP HER ENOUGH. AND WE TRIED STAYING WITH HER SOME WHEN WE FIRST GOT MARRIED AND I STOPED BECAUSE IF WE STAYED WITH HER HE WOULD HAVE TO BE RIGHT THERE LOOKING AT HER THE WHOLE DAY.ITS ALMOST LIKE SHE REPLACED HIM FOR THE MAN IN HER LIFE IN SOME WAYS BECAUSE A YEAR BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED THEY HAD A ROUTINE HE WOULD GET UP AND FIX COFFEE AND GO OUT ON THE PORCH AND TALK BEFORE SHE WENT TO WORK AND SHE USED TO TO THAT WITH HER EX HUSBAND ALL THE TIME AND WHEN WE FIRST GOT MARRIED INSTEAD OF HIM LAYING IN BED WITH ME SHE WOULD PECK ON THE DOOR AND WANTED HIM TO GET UP AT 600AM TO FIX COOFFEE AND DRINK IT WITH HIM. AND NOW BECAUSE HE IS NOT THERE SHE SAID SHE DOESNT DRINK COFFEE ANYMORE. AND HE HAD TO HAVE A LIGHT RUN DOWN IN HIS STOMACH AND WHEN I WAS PLANNING WHEN HE WAS GOING TO HAVE IT DONE SHE SAID ON THE PHONE BEFORE I GOT A CHANCE TO TELL HER WHAT OUR PLANS WAS (WELL WELL MEET HIM FROM WORK AND ILL DRIVE HIM THERE) AND I FEEL LIKE SHE IS NOT LETTING BE A WIFE TO HIM.AND THE LONGEST HE HAS WENT WITHOUT VISITING HER IS 2WEEKS AND 5 DAYSAND THATS BECAUSE HE WAS WORKING 13 DAYS IN A ROLL AND EVERTIME WE COME UP SHE GIVES HIM GUILT TRIPS LIKE SHELL TALK ABOUOT HER DEATH INSURANCE OR SHE GOING TO SELL THE HOUSE OR THAT SHE CANT TAKE CARE OF EVERTHING AT THE HOUSE . AND SHE HAS THE SAME BOYFRIEND BUT HE DOESNT LIVE WITH HER ANYMORE BUT SHE TALKS LIKE SHE CANT STAND HAVING TO DEPEND ON ANYONE BUT YET SHE TRINGS TO MAKE HER SON FEEL GUILTY ABOUT BEING MARRIED . HE EVEN USE TO HELP HER BALANCE HER CHECKBOOK AND WHEN WE GOT MARRIED SHE STILL WANTED HIM TO GO DEPOSIT MONEY FOR HER. SHE GOT A WEDDING GIFT AND ASK IF SHE COULD OPEN IT WERE WE COULDNT COME UP FOR A LITTLE WHILE. SHE OPENS SOME MAIL THAT WE HAVNT GOT SWICHED YET AND SAYS SHE ACCEDENTLY OPENED IT THINKING IT WAS HER MAIL. I FEEL LIKE IM INA BATTLE WITH HER ALL THE TIME TO LET ME BE THE WIFE ROLE ITS STUPID!!! PLEASE HOW CAN I TELL HER THAT THATS NOT HER ROLE ANYMORE???????

Tell her with your feet. Move out asap, even if you have to live in your car!

Bottom Line: Let's hope your husband goes with you. He sounds like he is WAY too close to his mother!

 Dear Doc:
I need to know how to deal with my 9 year old nephew and 6 year old neice. Their mother lives in my neighborhood so her kids and mine are always playing together. My nephew and neice seem charming and normal on the outside but as far back as my nephew was 4 I remember two sides to him. He would do terrible things like kick kids in the face and the other kid would be bleeding all over and my nephew would say it was an "accident" but I knew better. Most of the time my nephew and neice are charming but sometimes when they're parents aren't around and I'm watching from afar I'll see them lash out at each other my nephew will just kick or punch his little six year old sister without provocation.And when I call him on it he'll look confused as if wondering why he is being punished. He and my neice have a playful way about evertyhing they do but dark as well they are always whispering to each other about things sometimes they will say things about wanting to be proffesional killers when they grow up and when they see me get upset and ask them why they would say such things they start talking talking about cutting people up then when I ask them why they would say such things they giggle and run away. I have tried to speak to my sister about her kids but she sees it as playful mischeif. The most atrocious thing my nephew did was when my 7 year old son came to me and told me that my nephew and neice asked him to put a plastic bag over his head and my son seeing it as a game did so then my nephew started choking him for about a second and then let go and my nephew asked him how it felt not to be able to breath then my son ran away and told me. At that point I punished my nephew and neice severly and when my sister came to pick them up I went off on her a little she punished them also but does not seem to think anything wrong with them. Both my nephew and neice have extremely high IQ's and my nephew is a bed wetter. I've heard that combination can lead to no good. The way they act It's seriously like they have a monster locked up in a cage inside them that just lashes out. Is this mischievous behavior or are these kids going to grow up and be antisocials even though they are quite the little charming socialites?

This is very troubling. Children with these symptoms have often been abused. If something doesn't change, they will likely become anti-socials who will do harm to themselves and those around them.

Bottom Line: Those who are the most charming have every ability to also be the most troubled.

 Dear Doc:
I need advice to give to a dear friend of mine, honestly it is not for myself. I just do not know what else to tell her and I know she will not take my advice to speak to a professional. Recently, she explained to me her 7 month mini torture fest from her in-laws which is effecting her marriage. Main points, her father-in-law who makes comments about her weight, what she wears and how she looks, finally stepped up his little evil game and accused her of doing something she did do. A little background, she's rail thin, beautiful, smart and a strong person. The family she married into is a rich, controlling, private, Italian which is dictated by the father. What really frightened me this father-in-law cornered my friend and accused her of doing something she never did and then told her if she told anyone else that he "would make her life really hard." In turn, my friend did not tell her husband what his father accused her of and she has become a hermit. I don't know what to tell her and what would be the next best step. I told her to tell her husband the truth and to never be alone with her father-in-law again. This is eating her alive and this crazy family is emotionally abusing her. Any advice would be great.

You told her the very best thing to do. She will be forever in hell if she does not challenge this tyrannt. With her husband's help they will win, even if they have to walk away from his dysfunctional family.

Bottom Line: The bigger question is whether her husband will support her. Let's sure hope so. Otherwise her marriage should probably end, because it is never healthy to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 Dear Doc:
What is the appropriate response to a physically dominant teen aged boy (6'1", 180 pounds) threatening to punch the face of his mother for removing a privilege (as a consequnece of staying out all night and smoking marijuana)?

This sounds dangerous. I wonder if he's 18. If so, it may be time for him to move out, before you get hurt.

Bottom Line: When kids can no longer accept decent discipline, they need to go out and live on their own.

 Dear Doc:
can long distance relationships work

Usually not for too long.

Bottom Line: People need to be together. Otherwise someone else comes along and fills the need.

 Dear Doc:
I have been in a relationship for the past 2 years with a married man who married out of wedlock 20 years ago to a woman who has a chronic illness, but functioning. This man has not only been my best friend but the love of my life. Our relationship has started unexpectedly and grown overtime. Unfortunately, he is depressed and unhappy in his marriage but is having difficulties making the move to divorce because of fear of hurting his 20 year old daughter and financial loss. I don't know what to believe anymore.

Please believe what you see (something that isn't easy).

Bottom Line: If he's not moving on, you should be!

 Dear Doc:
I am a 33 year old male and my step mother is in her 40's. We've been great friends for years and have drawn very close over the last year. My father is in his 50's and has cheated on her, which in turn has led her to cheat in years past. They have little in common, and he shows little love for her. Her and I have fallen for each other in a big way. We both know what is morally right, but it's like we were both made for each other. We have NOT had sex. What are your thoughts.

Sounds like a very sticky situation.

Bottom Line: Hard to imagine it working out well over time.

 Dear Doc:
My husband says he doesn't love me anymore can he ever love me again

This is a very common occurance. With time, the feelings of love often fade.

Bottom Line: Some people do learn to love again, although it is often not the same type of romantic feeling they had when they first fell in love.

 Dear Doc:
my 10 year old daughter gets sick evertime she goes to her dad's house, what is causing this? Is there something in his house she is alergic to or stress?

This doesn't sound good. No way would I bet on allergies, and stress should not do this continuously.

Bottom Line: There may be something going on over there that is abusive. I hope not, but keep your eyes open, and endlessly try to get her to tell you what bothers her over there.

 Dear Doc:
SINCE I FOUND OUT THAT MY HUSBAND HAD AN AFFAIR, I CAN NOT HELP OBSESSING ABOUT THE OTHER WOMAN. HE SWEARS IT HAS BEEN OVER FOR A WHILE NOW, AND HE REALLY WANTS TO RECONNECT AND MAKE OUR MARRIAGE WORK. WE BOTH WANT THIS, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET OVER "HER". I HAVE NEVER SEEN HER AND THIS HAS ME LOOKING AT EVERY WOMEN I SEE AND WONDERING IF IT WAS HER. I HAVE NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT ME AND MY HUSBAND WILL BE STRONGER IN THE FUTURE. HE CALLED THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP OFF MONTHS BEFORE I FOUND OUT ABOUT IT. HE SAID THAT THEY BOTH AGREED THAT THEY HAD BOTH MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. HE HAS BEGGED ME AND GOD TO FORGIVE HIM. I HAVE FORGIVEN HIM, BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO FORGET. ANY SUGGESTIONS?

You will never forget, so give up on that one. You are scarred, but it sounds like you are not dead to the relationship. So there's hope.

Bottom Line: Yours is the toughest job, as you try to move your mind beyond this understandable obsession. But it is possible. Others have done it. Maybe find a group that will support you in this effort.

 Dear Doc:
My marriage need serious assistance. I have been married for 13 years. My wife and I are in the military. I am active,and she is in the reserves. In Dec 03, she was called up into active duty. It's Oct 2005 and she is finally released from active duty. She found a job where she was located, in Europe, and doesn't want to come home. She intends to stay there for at least a year. She says she's taking care of the family, by getting a job. I am currently in Iraq, and will soon be going back to my duty station. We have a 16 and a 7 year old. She has not seen her little one go to pre-school, kinndergarten, 1st, or 2nd grad. I know she is having an affair over there, but she denies it of course. She is more emotionally attached to this married guy, than to her own husband. Everytime the subject comes up about her staying, we get into an agrument. She gets defensive when the subject gets close to that topic. I want her to come home and find a job where her family is located. Once earlier in our careers we moved and it was financally difficult for us ,and apparently she doesn't want that to happen again. Should I try to work this out or get a divorce? Extremely confused spouse!!!

You can't work it out if she won't cooperate. Don't plead with her. Let her go, and let's see if she will miss you and the family.

Bottom Line: Plan your future without her. You deserve better. If she wants to work on it after you've let go, then maybe there is a chance for the marriage.

 Dear Doc:
My name is Angela. I am a singlr mother with two small children ages 3 & 7. I am fighting for my children with the state of Florida. I am not even fighting false allegations of child abuse because the Court found all allegations that were twisted until they (cps) could classify it as "a reason to file a dependency petition". How nieve I was about the world and how bitter people are and can be when they feel you've challanged 'their authority'. Anyways I am deeply troulbled about the effects this is having and has had on my children. My oldest son was extremely bonded with me, he slept on my chest from the time he was born until I couldn't breathe, I never dated, nor did I have any activities that didn't invovle him (except christmas shopping, etc.). I worked out of my home and he was homeschooled his first year of school, he did have play groups and such but would never stay anywhere. When he was five I had my second child after I dated an old friend for approximatly 4 months- with this exception I didn't date anyone else. When his brother was born I started the parent child bond the same way as he to slept on my chest until I couldn't breathe. I was and am very devoted to my children. They never lacked for anything (within reason. They had all well baby checks, immunizations, we did so many fun things together just being silly. What I'm trying to say is how is this going to effect them long term-the traumatic seperation from me. The oldest was 6 and the youngest almost two and now they are 8 and 3.They have been tossed around like garbage because of full Court dockets, judge reassignings and a lot of other political garbage. I know your probably thinkingh why doesn't she just get a lawyer, yeah well I did I got 6 altogether and all they did was steal my money and never show up for court dates and the Fl. bar is a joke as far as sanctioning lawyers. Do you have any input on how this is going to affect them long term amd how can I help them-if I can help them!

Are they happy the way they are, or do they want to change? If they're happy and you're not, you'd best leave them alone.

Bottom Line: It can be very easy for twins to form a world around just the two of them. If they want to change, then helping them to become individuals with varying interests may help them in the long run.

 Dear Doc:
how can i help my 13 year old girl twins who are shy and have no friends

Are they happy the way they are, or do they want to change? If they're happy and you're not, you'd best leave them alone.

Bottom Line: It can be very easy for twins to form a world around just the two of them. If they want to change, then helping them to become individuals with varying interests may help them in the long run.

 Dear Doc:
My husband was caught recently in an emotional affair with a previous co-worker that he has known for over 5 yrs. He says that it is now in the past. We were all lovey dovey for about 3 weeks and then he went back to his old routine of being too busy for us and not putting any effort back into our relationship. Does his behaviour indicate that he has resumed his affair or that he cannot take the time necessary to re-build our relationship? What do you suggest?

His connection to her probably never went away. It's possible that even with time, and effort on his part, that the two of you cannot rebuild.

Bottom Line: Prepare yourself to be on your own, for surely you deserve better than to stay with someone who can't give their heart to you.

 Dear Doc:
Living with a man 21/2 years. His wife still works out of the same house. He says he doesn't want her but not in any hurry to pay for the divorce either or her half of the house. What would you say is the bottom line with this one?

So are you all in the same house? That would be most unusual. I wonder why she keeps hanging around. Maybe she thinks she can out-last you??

Bottom Line: There's no doubt that some people don't want their marriage, but they are reluctant to go through the financial loss of a divorce. However, if it goes on too long for you, then you will need to leave for your own sanity.

 Dear Doc:
I am writing you in regards to a 7 year old girl who attempted suicide yesterday by runnung into traffic after the kids at school told her that she was better off dead. I am so bewidered by this I am compleltey beside myself. Is ther any advice youcan give me or offer insight to what would posses a child to do something like this without any prior behaviours as to being depressed. She lives with her mother who is a working single mother in a large city and goes to visit her father on weekends . The Father is very uncaring and really has no time for the little girl. He will not display any of her artwork in his home because he says it "doesn't go with the decor". Please I am at a complete loss over this ...anything will help. Thank you for your time and consideration of my question.

Most of the time, what we see on the outside of a person, tells us very little about what is going on inside of the person.

Bottom Line: Let's hope she gets professional help asap. Her behavior probably has something to do with her home-life, and most likely with her dad's unhealthy treatment of her.

 Dear Doc:
i am 48yrs.old and was raped when i was 14 i was taken to a scarey cemitary in the country,i was afraid to tell anybody,i finally told my mother 1yr.ago,more and more everyday this is bothering me.now both of my parents are gone thier house will have to be sold and this creep wants to buy it,i finally told my brothers and sisters and husband,can i still prosecute him

You must contact an attorney in your area, to find out.

Bottom Line: It is true that in some areas there is no statute of limitations, so he still could be prosecuted.

 Dear Doc:
My Mum had a stroke 6 months ago, and already for the past 4 years I had been constantly battling to help a childless aunty and uncle, so my exercise routine suffered, and I began to put on weight. Now since my Mum (who I love to "hang out" with has been paralysed down her right sight with speech problems, I have fallen totally apart and gained even more weight. I have Bipolar (borderline). My overreating is causing me psychological pain.

Get to a doctor for some help. Medicines can definitely help your Bipolar disorder.

Bottom Line: Once you get that in line, start to treat yourself as well as you do others, by exercising more and eating less. You CAN do it!

 Dear Doc:
I've been married for 14 years. I just found out that my husband had a fling with a co-worker. He swears that he never had sex with her, but she did pleasure him 3 times. He has told me everything about it and I do believe him. He said it only went on past a "friendship" for about 3 months. He called it off because he said the guilt consumed him. He says he loves me with all his heart and will never hurt me again. He said he prays for forgiveness from GOD everyday for what he did. I pray that GOD will give me peace about this because I do not want to divorce. We have a 6 year old son. Any advice.

Just like Bill Clinton, your husband has also had sex with another. If you haven't already, go see a therapist, and maybe have him join you.

Bottom Line: This happens to lots of couples. With hard work by both of you, you can get through it, and can continue enjoying your family of three.

 Dear Doc:
I have been divorced from an abusive alcoholic for 6 years. We have a 10 year old son together. My son has informed me that he has been taken into bars, and his dad is drinking around him, along with driving. I live an hour away. The custody order states everyother weekend. I have contacted an attorney to get some advice. The probelm is, my son gets very upset when I try to talk to him about what is going to happen. We are going for a suspended visitation, in lew of counseling for his dad. This whole thing rests on my son talking to the judge, I didn't want to have to put him in the middle, and I have told him this is the only way we may be able to help his dad so my son can spend actual quality time doing the fun things on the weekends. Is there anything I can do to help him prepare for this talk with the judge, and help him to understand why we are doing this.

Both of you would do well to be in therapy throughout what may be your very long legal journey.

Bottom Line: We hate to see our kids go through this hell, but dad's sick behavior requires it. Keep in mind that if you don't take action now, the long term damage will be much greater.

 Dear Doc:
I feel like my husband does'nt love or care for me anymore. I have seen and heard of him being unfaithful and I am so hurt by him. I really just need to know what to do and how to get things back to him loving me and only me.

Maybe leaving him will let you know if he really wants to be with you.

Bottom Line: If he doesn't fight for you once you leave, he's long gone already, and you will help yourself by going out and finding a new and better life!

 Dear Doc:
my ex wifes son visits me every week he is ten years old.. he see his natural father almost everyother weekend.. he asked me the other day if he could live with me what do i tell him. i have been in his life since he was three and we are very close i would love to have him as my own but i know he is not mine.. his mother yells at him all the time.. his sister has moved to her dads house because of my exwife .. i dont know how to handle this please help

What does his mom say? I assume she says "no". If she agrees, then try to work it out. If she says "no", then do your best to continue to help him on a part-time basis.

Bottom Line: Does the dad have any power to have him live with you? Tell him that the choice is not yours, but that you will always be there for him, and that once he grows up, no one can stop him from spending time with you.

 Dear Doc:
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I was always wanting to have sex, but it seem like he could take it or leave it. One day I caught him looking at porn. I was hurt and confused. It didn't seem lke he wanted to have sex with me, but he could be on the computer all night watching other people have sex and look at naked pictures of women?? Everytime I caught him he would tell me some lame excuse. I told him many times that him looking at porn really hurts me. He would get mad and tell me that I'm being paranoid. He would try to cover his tracks on the internet but every once in awhile I would cetch him. There were times I would walk into the room and he would quickly click off from what he was looking at. He would be on the computer all the time when I wasn't there. I found in search history many times sites that dealt with incest, rape, beastiality, and underage girls. He had even been on the personals chatting and recieving photos. His mom and I are very close and I had mentioned this to her. She seemed surprised but she did tell me that when he was a teen he had quite a collection of dirty magezines. Other than his porn addiction, our relationship was fine. I thought I could put all of this behind me, but after five years of this I find myself wondering if there is anything that can be done. Is there a way to help him or should I just leave him???

Packing your bags would be a good plan.

Bottom Line: He doesn't want to be helped. As a result, he will not change.

 Dear Doc:
I have been for alomost 3 years and i just don't know what to do i have these feelings for someone else and i just can't get this guy off of my mind. I don't know what to do or what to tell my husband because i don't like to see my husband in pain. This guy that i can't stop thinkin about tells me that your the one if i ever get married again i would marry you and that would be awesome! He is divored also with 2 kids and i also have 2 kids of my own! Would you please help me on what to do!

Seems like you should first decide whether you want to stay married. There's no doubt that leaving would come at a high price for all.

Bottom Line: I sure wouldn't leave for this guy. It sounds like he's all talk and no action.

 Dear Doc:
My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over six years now, she found out about a year ago that she had Genital Warts. At first she wanted to kill me, saying that she got them from me. At the time I did not have any present, I have since had some appear. She is being treated for them as well as I. The ladies at the clinic that she goes to told her that I had to have cheated on her, since we had been together at that time for over five years. I have never slept or been intimate with anyone else other than my girlfriend while we were together. She says that she has not been with anyone else either. It seemed that she had come to peace with that, and after about a year after finding out that she had Genital Warts, I asked her to marry me. She has said that she needs time to think it over because of the Genital Warts. I talked to a OB/GYN doctor that told me that she or I could have had it for up to seven years and not known it. I do not feel that she has cheated on me. What do I do to try and convince her that I did not cheat on her.

Sounds like you should let go of trying to convince her. It sure is negative energy for you.

Bottom Line: You might be surprised by the outcome. Maybe she'll leave. Then maybe she'll figure out that being away from you was a big mistake. If not, you're better off on your own anyway.

 Dear Doc:
I'M BEYOND BEWILDERED.. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. MY SPOUSE FOR(OFF & ON)7 YEARS REFUSES TO DISCUSS ANYTHING THAT MAY BE CONSTRUED AS CONFRONTATION OR MY DISAGREEMENT. HIM:VERBALLY ABUSIVE, DECEITFUL, CHRONIC LIAR, INTERMIDENT DRUG ABUSE/ALCOLHOL,NON-ATTENTIVE, NEVER EVER WANTS SEX - HE'D RATHER MASTURBATE THAN TAKE THE TIME TO PLEASE ME. ME:FORGIVING,LOVING,HURT BEYOND EXPLAN.- i CAN BE CRYING OUT FOR HIM TO CARE ABOUT HOW HE DESTROYS ME, TREMBLING, PLEADING, STILL KIND, EXPLAING & QUESTIONING HOW ANY HUMAN COULD WALK AWAY W/O ANY CONCERN, NOT A HUG, A KISS.. MAKES PROMISES HE NEVER INTENDS TO KEEP - YET HE'S SO NEGATIVE AND INSECURE.. WE HAVE TO TALK BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND. WHEN HE'S GUILTY ESP. HE PUTS ME DOWN, HATES ME, ETC (TYPICAL) HELP-911-HELP.. i TOLD HIM Y'R 33 NOT A 15 PUNK-KID. IM 45 AND SO MISERABLE, YET NOT IN THE POSITION TO MOVE OUT (AGAIN- last time). i'M INTELLIGENT AND NURTURING, BUT NOT BUYING HIS BS.. THOUGH HE SHOWS HIS IGNORANCE AND INSECURITIES.. hIS UNENDING PUT DOWNS, UGLY WORDS, ETC. HAVE OVER TIMED BECOME CRIPPLING.. NO AFFECTION ANYMORE, CUDDLES, KISSES.. SEX! NOT TO MENTION ALMOST NO RESPECT FOR MY NEEDS, FEELINGS.. SORRY, I JUST FOUND YOU AND I HAVE TO LEAVE IN A FEW MINS. DIDNT MEAN TO RAMBLE. THANKING YOU AHEAD FOR ANY ADVISE.

I'm trying to figure out why you're still with this person, given how bad it is.

Bottom Line: Isn't it amazing how often we stay too long, when the craziness seems so obvious to those looking from the outside in?

 Dear Doc:
I have had a relationship with a woman for the past two years . I love her dearly. However we have issues and we are constantly breaking up. I want to go to some kind of couples counseling. I think it is worth a try .... no matter what the outcome. Am I wrong to suggest this, or should I just move on?

Yours is a great idea, but i wonder if she'll agree. If not, move on, before you get forever stuck in a destructive cycle.

Bottom Line: It can take a lot of bravery to walk away from a sick situation. As the old song goes..."ya gotta know when to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em."

 Dear Doc:
my mother is dying, she has done things to me that are unspeakable. I have forgiven her, but I am still angry!!!!! Should I swallow my pride and go and see her? I wake every morning to a reminder of what happened years ago when I was just 4 years old.

It doesn't sound like you want to see her. Don't go if you don't want to.

Bottom Line: If you go, it should be for your own piece of mind. You're not a bad person if you don't go.

 Dear Doc:
my ex boyfriend who i met during his sepparation has recently went back to his wife, because he misses his kids, hes a great dad. the kids are acting up worse that when he left the first time. they go to marrige,seperate and kids counceling,nothing is changing she always been verbally abusive to him.he has recently told me that he doesnt know why he left exept that he missed his kids dearly. we both love each other very much, and we got along great mentally ,physically, great communication. he said hes still misirable.

Unfortunately his problem becomes your problem. Maybe he should give more focus to the fact that their mom may be messing up the kids. Makes sense that if she is abusive to him, she will do the same thing to the kids, sooner or later. Maybe his goal should be to get them away from that toxic environment.

Bottom Line: But you've got to take care of you. I've seen people never leave these sick relationships. You'd better be ready to move on, because you may die of old age waiting.

 Dear Doc:
My husband is trying to convince me that i am doing things behind his back, and is constintally accusing me of outragious things that he "knows" i am doing.I cant prove othewise. (example:wants to know who's been over while he is at work, cuz there is tire tracks in drive way) calls me a liar, and screams his delusions ,like he has proof...i think he needs to have a mental evaluation, before he drives me nuts...any advise or suggestions?? I live in Texas.

It sure sounds like he needs help, but the sickest one's are often the least likely to go get it.

Bottom Line: Above all else, take care of yourself. If he won't work with you, you must move on without him.

 Dear Doc:
I have a good hard working husband we have two older sons for twenty two years off and on I DONT REALLY know how much he has smoked pot when we first met i told him that or me i dont want to live like that he says he loves me with all his heart and i believe him dont know what to do help.

So do you know for sure that he's smoking it? If he is, and you meant what you said, then you'd better leave. If he isn't, and you're unrealistically accusing him, you've got to work on your own problem.

Bottom Line: Sure sounds like you folks aren't talking, or that someone isn't telling the truth. Not a good predictor that the relationship will last or thrive.

 Dear Doc:
i have been married for 7 years. i feel shy and nervous sleeping or having some rest in the afternoon in the presence of my husband thinking that he will think i am irresponsible and that i do not look after my kids. please help me.

If you haven't already, ask him directly if feels this way. If he doesn't, nap away! If he does, ask him why, and see how you can find a mutually satisfying solution.

Bottom Line: Assumptions and miscommunication can be the kiss-of-death. Let's hope that once you talk to him, that he turns out to be a decent man!

 Dear Doc:
I just got married and I have a wicked 35 year old daughter in law who is trying to make my life miserable. She is doing everything in her power to separate us and is extremely jealous of us!!!! She has said so many horrible things to me and asked me to leave her home and told me I just wanted to marry him just for his money and the entire family felt the same way!!!!

Ideally, these problems should have been addressed before the marriage. Apparently at least one member of your new husband's family feels very threatened by your presence.

Bottom Line: Your husband needs to speak with his kids, and you need to be gracious and loving. That's one tall order, but it will either win them over with time, or they will go away.

 Dear Doc:
I would like to know how it affects kids that are being split between parents and siblings. I am the stepmom of three children ages 15 boy,10 boy and 9 girl. The parents are divorced. The kids stay one week with dad and one week with mom (only the two younger ones) The older chooses not to and only makes contact when he needs something or money. Has no respect for either parents. He wants to live with mother's parents. The situation at this point is that the mother wants to leave the country and stay in the UK. The father says okay to that but wants the 10year old boy to stay with him. The other two chooses to go with the mother. I need to know how this will affect the kids amongst themselves. The 10 year old is confused and not sure what to do as he feels that if he stays with mom he wont see his dad and vice versa. I feel so sorry for them and I would like to help with advice. The 10 year old has asked my opinion and I told him that its best that his parents makes the decision for him and that he should not really worry much about the decision at this point. Its difficult for me to say dont worry because I know he worries. Please advise me on the best way to help him.

A split can be very tough on the kids. However, it doesn'n have to be so difficult, if the parents can cooperate for the benefit of their children.

Bottom Line: It is correct that it is the parent's decision, and not the child's. Tell him that both of his parents love him, and that they will do their very best to weather the changes and moves in ways that will help the family.

 Dear Doc:
I am a 28 year old women looking to file seperation and devorce papers on my husband. We have been married since november of 2003. He has done nothing but make my life extramly hard finacily and mentaly. I feel that the mentale abouse has made me go down a path of destruction. He has told me that if I ever filed for devorce that he would make matters even worse on me. Thank God we don't have children together but that still dosn't make me feel any better about the rough out come that this devorce is going to have on me. Do you know anyone that I can talk to about filing papers that either cheep or is willing to help me? I have no money because of him and with his hurassment at my job I am soon to be truminated. I feel that this is going to get ugly but I don't know how ugly its really going to get. Is it normall for a person to feel frightend in a situation like this? Is it normall for someone to completly lose their mind with fright? I don't know what to do or how to come about doing it.

There should be a women's shelter in your community that will take you in, help you get a lawyer, and protect you during the divorce. Your local police station should be able to give you the number for these helpers. If need be, they will escort you there, and help you file a restraining order against your husband. Worldwide, it is said that 1 in 3 women are abused. This terrible crime will take the efforts of legions, in order to be stopped.

Bottom Line: I commend you for your bravery. Don't let him stop you from leaving. To stay is a sure hell. To leave is the hope of a heaven.

 Dear Doc:
follow up to the 1 1/2 year custody case you responded to ..would it make any difference in your response to know that I allowed his older brother to move at the same age he is now 18 years) and he is now a convicted felon after vandalizing a catholic high school with over $40,000 in damages, has spent time in jail for this and other charges and is on probation for 5 years in two states. He left here with good grades and was in no criminal trouble even though they argue he started drinking here. If the older brother had not moved to the city from our small town I do not belive he would be a felon today but in college on a baseball scolarship. My younger son is at top of his class and scores better then 98% of students in the US in his testing and is involved in sports and school activities here as was his brother. Please respond.

Yes, that info makes a difference. Full-hour therapy is so much better, because then the whole story can be told. It sounds like there may be some big downsides to living with dad. But I wonder why your son, being so bright, still wants to be with dad. I wonder what the attraction is, given that he has seen his brother fall so far. There must be something about life with you that he finds distasteful.

Bottom Line: This needs the time of a full therapy session. Still go, even if your son won't. There may be an upside to keeping him with you, but most judges won't force an adolescent into that corner, because they know that they can be a flight risk.

 Dear Doc:
Just got the results of a 1 1/2 year long custody battle..the judge kept my 13 year old son with me instead of allowing him to move and live with his father as he requested. My son and ex are furious and will do everything possible to get me to agree to turn over custody. My son tells me he will make my life miserable until I do and refused any counseling. How do I handle this?

Although it will be the most difficult, it is the wisest to let him go. At your son's age, he needs to have some choice (even if it turns out to be t